Those “Select The Squares With A Certain Object” Tests Are Insanely Difficult
Why the hell are those “select the squares with an image of a whatever” tests to make sure you’re not a robot or cyber terrorist or whatever so god damn difficult? Why? And on my phone too?!? Why am I selecting little squares containing various images of busses on a six inch screen at four in the morning? I’m trying to watch a 16 second video of some drunk chicks fighting over a loser they’ll both hate in a few months, does playing detective really need to be a prerequisite? And of course I can never tell if the fucking bus tire is technically in that other square or not. Every single time. You’d need some 100 inch 8k plasma screen tv to see the level of detail needed to pass some of these damn tests. Do you have to make it that close?! Why do I need robot level vision to prove I’m not a fucking robot?
And to the satan worshipers in charge of creating these impossible I spy games, this may come as news to you, but I don’t know all the legal parameters for what constitutes a fucking bus. Ok? Believe it or not I wasn’t the person tasked with that job. So is that long wire part on those weird hippy electric Canadian busses technically a bus or not?! I don’t fucking know. Is there like a kid version of this I can take?
And don’t get me started on the bicycle ones. Oh my god. I’ve made it through entire ‘Where’s Waldo’ books faster than trying to find all the places you assholes hide bikes in those fucking photos. Pretty sure I once failed one of these because I missed the bike hanging in someone’s living room that I was supposed to spot through the telescope pointing at the apartment window. If I was a Navy Seal sniper in my past life I’m sure I would’ve gotten that.
Just make the fucking things easier. Ok? And who cares if a robot or criminal wants to watch what I’m watching. What’s going to happen? They’ll burn up brain cells consuming this shit too? Oh no!
Look just make the shit easier, ok? Thanks.
Captain Lee Is The Biggest Hardo On Planet Earth
Any realty tv fan worth their salt knows who Captain Lee is these days. The famous realty star/grizzled yacht captain to the ultra rich has made a name for himself with antics like his own personalized onslaught of hardo quotes, weird ethics lectures, and sayings more fitting of captain that fought pirates in the 1700s than from some dude who shuttles billionaires around from one area in a body of beautiful water to another for exorbitant amounts of money and literally no other purpose whatsoever. And we have sir brave heart on tv like “And I’ll be god damned if I don’t finish the job” after having some surgery or whatever as if he’s heading up the ship responsible for transporting much needed medicine across the arctic sea to remote village people in need. Take it easy dude. Take some time away and get better. No need to rush back. The core of society won’t crumble.
In Honor Of O.J. Simpson’s Passing… Here are Ten WAYYYYYYYYYY Better O.J.’s...
Orange juice. Obvious first choice here. Where do I begin? Tastes great. Healthy for you. Didn’t get away with murder. What else?
Orange jammies. Like the ones he was supposed to wear for the rest of his life, but…ya know.
Our justice (system). Ok maybe not this one. For obvious reasons.
Old jars. Who doesn’t love a few nice antique mason jars displayed on some half ass installed shelf to help show house guests where you never dust. And until that cheap shelf comes crashing down and one of those Ball jars murders someone…
Oversized jeans. Hideous in my opinion 100% of the time. Like the percent chance O.J. committed murder to anyone with a logical and normally functioning brain. So still better.
Old Jizz. Who doesn’t love finding an old sticky wad of dried up tunnel tadpoles hiding in an old sock. Just think of all the terrible people those could’ve turned into.
Orange Julius. Like orange juice, also doesn’t get away with murder. Oh and tastes even better than its predecessor.
Oh jeez. What every half assed church going midwesterner says instead of a normal adult phrase like… “oh for fucks sake” or “what the fuck” or “what in THE fuck” or “oh fuck” or “oh jesus fucking christ” or “oh jesus fucking christ for fuck’s sakes what the fuck”. Ya know, any of the normal ones that an actual adult uses after either getting shocking news, or seeing a police chase on the tv, or idk seeing someone get away with murder. Just throwing out examples.
Orthodox Jews. Probably against their religion to murder someone in cold blood and then claim your innocence for the rest of time because a wet from blood leather glove doesn’t fit anymore and you can afford to have an entire law office of the best lawyers on your team.
Orenthal James (Simpson). The football player. Not to be confused with O.J. Simpson the cold blooded murderer. Certainly a football player could never do something so heinous.
Are Manatees The Most Overrated Animals On Planet Earth?
Look, I get it. I really do. They’re adorable. They’re the size and shape of an old VW bus. They have whiskers like a cat, little flippers, and they sleep and float around all day like that fluffy turd you left in your ex girlfriend’s toilet the night she told you it was over. I get why people with normally functioning brains think they’re cute. With that being said however…
I just don’t see it. Somebody help me understand our culture’s creepy obsession with manatees. What’s so great about them? Really? Is it because they’re so pathetic and helpless? And fat? Have you ever seen a manatee migration? Where they all come hangout together in a big clump for a few days before continuing on their journey to wherever the hell they go for the winter? No? Well there’s schools of them, like fish. And I could quite literally run across their backs like a contestant on that obstacle course show, drowning them one by one with each step. Ok that was too far. Jesus.
Also, nobody ever talks about how dolphins are literally just manatees only better in every way possible. Every single way. Name one thing a manatee can do that a dolphin can’t? What… fuckin’ float better? Get hit by more boats? Have less sex? What? And for those of you who think manatees are cute, have you seen other animals? I can name like 3,200 way cuter animals. They’re so ugly. If they were cute every man in here would be 400 pounds and keep 6 really long whiskers on each cheek when on the prowl for women. Ok I guess that’s basically the entire midwest but you get my point. Ok fuck it. Fine. Maybe Manatees are cute. If they’re good enough for the millions of miserable midwest gals, who am I to judge? Whatever.
But really, evolution. God damn guys. Grow them some fangs or something. Stick up for the poor creatures. How the fuck does a god make an animal so fat and slow, that out of the bazillion different species in the ocean, it’s literally the only one to get repeatedly run over by boats for its entire life. That’s impressive. Hell I once saw a pelican kick the shit out of a manatee while standing on one leg… That’s how pathetic these things are. Give them like a turtle shell or something for some defense at least. What was god trying to make when he debuted this thing anyway? Was he trying to make the hippo worse and less menacing in every way possible?
“There weren’t any motor boats when god made manatees.”
Yeah I know. But I would think someone who could create an entire fucking universe and then also this slow, fat, pathetic waste of a living thing without a single defense mechanism would foresee it having some natural enemies. All I’m trying to say is I think God needs to do a little software update on these things. Or evolution needs to speed up the process a bit. I’m tired of hearing about them and their issues.
Save the manatees? Save it.
Today I Learned That Jeopardy Contestants Aren’t Actually All The Same Height
What is... What the fuck.
How the hell am I just finding out about this in 2021?!? How did I not notice this before? Has anyone else gone this long without picking up on the fact that, either literally every single contestant in the history of Jeopardy! was the same exact height, or there’s some sort of witchcraft going on behind the hideous news desk looking thing. Well apparently... they stand on adjustable platforms. And while this is probably quite obvious to the 99.999% of people who have ever seen a single episode of Jeopardy!, there are HOPEFULLY a few people as dumb as me who either never noticed it or thought there was a super strict height requirement to play America’s favorite game show. (Yes, it’s America’s favorite game show. Wheel of Fortune sucks and I’ve seen fossils that look younger than Vanna White. And don’t even get me started on The Price Is Right. It comes on at like 10am. If you’re not a kid playing hooky from school you shouldn’t be watching it. So shut up.)
Anyways, I still cannot believe I never noticed that the contestants just happen to all be the same height every single episode. Maybe I’m too focused on the game. That’s probably it. I wouldn’t have an average of 1.2 correct questions per episode if it weren’t for my laser-like focus ya know. But nonetheless, this revelation is still life changing. I’ll never be able to watch another game of Jeopardy! without staring at the tops of three strangers heads as I gauge how level they are.
And it’s hard enough watching Jeopardy! these days.
Dear Parents, You’re Texting… Not Writing A Fucking Letter
Text messages, the modern day letter. There are many benefits to texting someone instead of sending them a letter like in the “good” old days. Texting is fast, free, and easy, as it doesn’t require ink, a feather, or the pony express. You can text someone a message, pictures, videos, gifs, your flaccid penis, your flaccid penis accompanied by a message saying it “could get harder if I had a picture of you to look at” and anything else your heart desires. No one cares if you use correct spelling or grammar, and instead of sitting down for an hour to pen out some long letter updating your family and friends on what’s going on in your boring life, you can simply ignore their calls and instead shoot them a text. The conveniences of texting are endless.
However, with all of these great modern day features text messaging has brought us, there are also some not so great ones. And perhaps the most annoying feature of text messaging I can think of, is the fact that our parents can now use it as a way to further annoy the living crap out of you. Because while most parents are kind, loving, and innocent, they’re also the furthest thing from being tech savvy. So them meaning well doesn’t change the fact that my blood boils every time I get a message from my dad reminding me of what my fucking name is, as if my memory is wiped clean every night and I wake up each morning with no prior knowledge of who I am, let alone the name my parents gave me the day I popped out of my mom’s creation cave... Now you’re probably wondering what I mean by ‘reminding me of what my name is’. Well, if your dad is anything like mine, he simply cannot send a text without first addressing you by name...
‘
Ben, what should we make for dinner?’
‘Ben, did you take the garbage out?’
‘Ben, be sure and watch for deer when you drive home tonight because this is the time of year when they’re running around the most.’
‘Ben, how did the interview go?’
‘Ben, what’s the netflux password again?’
I could go on and on and on and on. And I know, it’s clear from these actual text messages my dad has sent me, that he loves and cares about me very much. I get that and it isn’t lost on me. I love my dad very much and appreciate everything he does for me. But Jesus Christ man. I know what my damn name is! You’re sending me a text message asking what we should make for dinner, not writing a letter to inform me of grandma’s passing. This is 2021 not 1762. So unless you used a quill and some parchment paper to write that, I don’t want to see my damn name followed by a comma anywhere in that text message. Addressing me by name makes it seem like you’re scolding me for something, not asking me what the ‘netflux’ password is for the third time this month.
And yes, this is probably a bit harsh. I really didn’t need to write a blog about how my dad addresses me by my name every time he sends a text, but it annoys the hell out of me and I can’t change that. And I know there’s no shortage when it comes to spokesmen for the dad-less justice warriors, so before you get on here and tell us all about how you tragically lost your dad to a drunk driver and the last thing you have from him is a text message telling you how much he loves you blah blah blah. If you think I give a shit you’re barking up the wrong blog. So save that crap for whatever other depressing corners of the Internet you frequent.
If you really need to enlighten me on how lucky I am to still have a dad, I suggest you send a letter instead.
#WhyMenNeverListenIn4Words Is Currently Trending On Twitter
This is why I love Twitter. Nothing on this Earth entertains me more than waking up on a Sunday morning and having a nice cup of coffee while I scroll through the responses to yet another hilarious trending hashtag (Pathetic I know). And man oh man did the responses to this hashtag not disappoint. From the truly absurd, to the hilarious, to the just plain pathetic. When it comes to the frequent users of Twitter, the responses never disappoint.
There are the idiots truly offended by the fact that something like this is trending on social media to begin with. Like this darling lass. Take it easy Hannah. The clever meme you stole from some other insufferable moron should be used sparingly. And responding to a funny hashtag on Twitter probably isn’t one of those times. You’ll maybe wanna borrow their tape and put it over your keyboard next time. Oh well. You’ll learn.
There are the equally stupid people, like Denise Snowflake Uptown Girl Snowman who take hashtags like this VERY seriously as they are no laughing matter, and feel the need to think it over for two hours before releasing this amazing piece of work to the world. I just hope she didn’t use up ALL of her brain power on picking the right gif, as I’m sure this social justice warrior still has many battles left to fight today. Thank you Denise. Stay strong you brave, beautiful soul.
There are the thirsty thots like Char Barley who will take any opportunity to show us their goods in hopes of getting a few more OnlyFans subscribers. She calls herself the “Big Booty Queen” and has over 1,500 posts on her page, yet has to offer a 14 day free trial. Guys are “Staring at my ass” but apparently aren’t paying for the privilege. Times must be tough.
And lastly... there are the more stereotypical, yet accurate responses to the #WhyMenNeverListenIn4Words hashtag... And my personal favorites. Like this gem:
I mean, he’s not wrong. Yes this is a stereotype, but I think it’s a pretty accurate one. It is biology after all. We’re only human. We’re gonna stare. Because I’m sorry, but looking at a nice butt on a war summer day is far more enjoyable than listening to you go on and on about how Jennifer didn’t invite you to her birthday party. And you wouldn’t have gone anyways because you hate her this week for god know’s what reason, but she still should have invited you because it’s the mature thing to do, plus she invited Becky and everyone knows how close you and Becky are, and you’re the one that introduced her to Becky in the first place when she was new in town and didn’t have any other friends. And now her and Becky are becoming closer and you’re worried Becky might like Jennifer more than she likes you even though Becky is supposed to hate Jennifer this week because you hate her oh look a nice butt.
Sorry what were you saying?
“We don’t all talk like that!” Yeah, you’re right. And WE don’t all stare at butts all day and watch sports 24/7, even though a lot of us would like to. Men don’t listen and women don’t listen. You ever try to talk to your girlfriend when the Bachelor is on? No. Because you know better after “the incident”.
But regardless of how stupid these hashtags may be, and the equally as stupid people who get offended by them, they definitely provide us with entertainment and for that I’m forever thankful.
YouTube Doesn’t Have Ads If You’re Not A Complete And Total Moron
Something that never ceases to amaze me is the number of people I see complaining in comment sections on YouTube about how many ads there are. It doesn’t matter if I’m watching a clip from a stand-up comedy special, a video from CNN talking about some idiotic thing Trump said, or a ‘How-To’ on picking your nose in public without getting caught… if I’m scrolling through comments, I’ll inevitably see at least one or two dip shits complaining about the number of ads on YouTube.
Uhhhh… I thought everyone knew how to get around this? Hasn’t this been old news for like a decade now? Ads? On YouTube? Hahahahahaha. What’s that like? It must be ROUGH. Luckily though I’ll play hero for the day with this extremely complicated bit of advice for all of you sad souls living in ancient times. AD BLOCKER. I repeat… AD BLOCKER. Get a goddamn ad blocker you absolute morons. How have you been living your lives on the interwebs without a fucking ad blocker for all of these years?!? Seriously. How??? If I didn’t have an ad blocker attachment on chrome I would have found an old ethernet cable and hung myself with it years ago. It’s so easy to install one! If you can wipe your ass you can install an ad blocker.
And for those of you who have ad blockers, yes I know, a lot of sites ask you to disable them nowadays, but luckily for us YouTube still isn’t one of them. And yes, I also know that you can’t put an ad blocker on the YouTube app on your phone. Just put an ad blocker on your phone’s web browser and you’re all set. Duh.
Also, ad blocker isn’t just useful for YouTube. I’ve been able to watch the free version of Peacock without ads because of my ad blocker. Sure Peacock asks me to disable it every time I log in, but who the fuck is going to listen to a bird. Mind your own business. And if I wanted to pay for yet ANOTHER streaming service I would. But you bastards stole ‘The Office’ from us and now have the audacity to only let us watch the first two seasons WITH ADS unless we pay? Yeah you can go fuck yourselves Peacock. The next time I’m at a zoo and see one of you fuckers I’m feeding you rat poison.
Regardless though, people, come on. Get your damn lives together. It’s free, super easy to install, and works so well that I haven’t seen a single YouTube ad since, well, they started using ads. I didn’t even know there were ads on YouTube to begin with. And several ads in a single video? No idea. Must be nice having to put up with all that hassle when it would take you all of 30 seconds to put an ad blocker extension on your web browser. Google it if you don’t know how and be sure to thank me in the comment section of this blog. You’re welcome. Sorry for calling you all kinds of names but my god. Get it together.
Most ad blockers also tell you how many ads they’ve blocked in total. Wanna take a guess at how many ads on YouTube I’ve blocked over the years? I won’t say. That’ll just depress you.
Why Are You Wishing Your Parents A Happy Birthday On Instagram? No One Cares
Just a quick PSA for everybody, if you're wishing a parent happy birthday on a social media platform that your parent isn't even on, instead of making 500 random people scroll past the same paragraph and stupid pictures you posted last year, just send them a text. Ok?
Because I'm sorry to break the news to you, but no one reads past the first few words, and all you're doing is making us hate you more than we already do. Especially you self important idiots who feel the need to wish your parents a happy birthday or anniversary on Instagram. INSTAGRAM. Are your parents on insta?!? I’ll answer that for you... No, they are not. So should you be congratulating them on getting older or wasting away another year with their spouse who they’ve hated for a decade now? I’ll answer that question for you too... No, you should not.
"Happy 27th anniversary to my two role models, you've taught me so much about life and love, and you're an inspiration to us all. I can only hope to be just as perfect as you two someday and blah blah blah blah BLAH. The only reason, I repeat, the ONLY reason you make these stupid posts is to get likes and attention. That’s it. There is absolutely no other reason to post about your parents birthday or anniversary on a platform they don’t even have. They won’t see the post and you probably told them the same sappy shit in person or over the phone early that day anyway. Actually, you probably didn’t because no one is ever that corny. Ever. Just on social media when it comes to getting attention. If you want attention that badly, post a topless selfie, or a picture of your parents having sex. I don’t know. But spice it up a little bit.
And if you just have to make these stupid posts every year, if you can’t live unless you type out the same shitty paragraph about how great Bob and Lisa are, then it should be a requirement that you also make a post when they get divorced with all the dirty details about how Bob fucked Lisa’s best friend. I guarantee this would get way more likes, and would definitely be more entertaining to read. So just some things to think about.
In the meantime however, just text your parents whatever you thought the rest of the world wanted to read. They’ll appreciate it and we won’t have to pretend to. Thanks.
Mr. Potato Head Comes Out As Gender Neutral... Old News
Mr. Potato Head... A dude with a bushy mustache but manicured eyebrows, pink ears and blue shoes, wears lipstick but no pants, and rocks a bowler hat which was popular in 1800′s Britain, has recently revealed that he isn’t a Mr. or a Mrs., he’s actually gender neutral. Go fucking figure. Just look at this spiffy motherfucker. Does it look like this trend setting staple crop gives two shits about gender identity? Of course not. I wonder why it even took this long for him I mean it to take away the ‘Mr.’ from his name. I mean it’s name, dammit.
And for those of you who are upset by this recent development (Fox News and company), I have more bad news. If this dapper son of a bitch (I mean offspring of a bitch) doesn’t adhere to society created gender identities, there’s no way in hell that Potato Head identifies as a vegetable, starch, or root or whatever the hell else they’re labeled as nowadays. This bad ass is in its own food group, if it even considers itself a food at this point. I’m guessing not.
When the dust finally settles and those of you devastated by the news are able to move past this, I’m sure there will be more toys and cartoon characters who will come out as gender neutral, gay, bi-sexual, trans, and whatever else you idiots still have a hard time accepting. So I just hope this isn’t too much for you folks to handle. Just know that there are resources available to you, to help get you through these tough times.
Fuck. As I was typing this shitty blog I read another article on the matter and apparently Hasbro is just changing the brand name to Potato Head, but is keeping the Mr. and Mrs. Potato head characters. But I already wrote this much so I’m not deleting it. God dammit Hasbro. I guess Potato Head is a Mr. after all.
Whatever. That’s what you get for taking the time to a write a fucking blog about a toy potato.