In Honor Of O.J. Simpson’s Passing… Here are Ten WAYYYYYYYYYY Better O.J.’s...
Orange juice. Obvious first choice here. Where do I begin? Tastes great. Healthy for you. Didn’t get away with murder. What else?
Orange jammies. Like the ones he was supposed to wear for the rest of his life, but…ya know.
Our justice (system). Ok maybe not this one. For obvious reasons.
Old jars. Who doesn’t love a few nice antique mason jars displayed on some half ass installed shelf to help show house guests where you never dust. And until that cheap shelf comes crashing down and one of those Ball jars murders someone…
Oversized jeans. Hideous in my opinion 100% of the time. Like the percent chance O.J. committed murder to anyone with a logical and normally functioning brain. So still better.
Old Jizz. Who doesn’t love finding an old sticky wad of dried up tunnel tadpoles hiding in an old sock. Just think of all the terrible people those could’ve turned into.
Orange Julius. Like orange juice, also doesn’t get away with murder. Oh and tastes even better than its predecessor.
Oh jeez. What every half assed church going midwesterner says instead of a normal adult phrase like… “oh for fucks sake” or “what the fuck” or “what in THE fuck” or “oh fuck” or “oh jesus fucking christ” or “oh jesus fucking christ for fuck’s sakes what the fuck”. Ya know, any of the normal ones that an actual adult uses after either getting shocking news, or seeing a police chase on the tv, or idk seeing someone get away with murder. Just throwing out examples.
Orthodox Jews. Probably against their religion to murder someone in cold blood and then claim your innocence for the rest of time because a wet from blood leather glove doesn’t fit anymore and you can afford to have an entire law office of the best lawyers on your team.
Orenthal James (Simpson). The football player. Not to be confused with O.J. Simpson the cold blooded murderer. Certainly a football player could never do something so heinous.
The Salem Witch Trials Are Proof Of Why Women Should Never Eat Carbs
Before you get your broom handles in a knot, settle down. The title is obviously a joke. So please read the rest of the blog before casting some spell on me. Thanks.
Today is March 1st, and for most people in the United States with normal functioning brains, March means one of two things. We are one month closer to summer and March Madness is just around the corner. However, for the minority, for those select few weirdos out there, March means something else. It represents women’s history, and all the good and bad that comes with. Now after having celebrated Black History month in February, this makes for quite a boring month. That’s a joke. March isn’t boring. We have college basketball and melting snow. Wink wink.
Anyways, this month isn’t just about celebrating the many accomplished yet overshadowed women in history, or say, the less accomplished woman sitting next to you currently scrolling through her phone’s camera roll trying to make you pick which photo of the two of you from the weekend you like most so she can post it on Instagram as if you actually gave a rat’s ass. No, luckily for Women’s History month, March 1st brings with it the beginning of the Salem witch trials. Now don’t get me wrong, learning about how Helen Keller communicated with her fingers is quite fascinating, reading articles about Amelia Earhart running out of gas and being bad at directions like the rest of us sends tingles of excitement down my spine, and watching documentary after documentary on Susan B. Anthony and wondering how someone used glasses that small brings me greater joy than you could ever imagine...
Seriously. Look at those things.
But much more interesting to me, anyway, is the lore surrounding the Massachusetts Bay Colony and all of the shenanigans that took place a little over 300 years ago. Because while we’ve always been told that the Salem Witch Trials were a result of things like church politics, feuding families, and just really old fashioned, simple minded people, a more recent theory has started to gain popularity and it is both fascinating and actually makes a lot of sense.
In 1976, a researcher named Linnda Caporael presented the first evidence that the Salem witch trials were due in part to an outbreak of rye ergot. Now what the fuck is rye ergot? And why should we trust some lady who spells Linda with two ns (talk about evidence of being a witch). Well, rye ergot is actually a type of fungus that forms hallucinogenic drugs in bread which causes its victims to appear ‘bewitched’ when they’re actually just really stoned. Go figure. And what was the most common, readily available food back then? You guessed it. And not only that, but in a time when people had to eat just about anything to survive, a few black spots on their rye crop wasn’t enough for them to just throw it all away. They were going to eat the shit regardless, and deal witch the consequences later.
Well, on March 1st of 1692, those consequences came. And over the next few months more than 150 women and some men from Salem Village and the surrounding areas were brought up on charges of satanic practices and dealt with accordingly (And if you’ve lived under a rock your entire life and don’t know how they killed witches google it).
The whole thing is one of the more fascinating bits of our country’s short history thus far. And the fact that it could have all been caused by some moldy bread just adds to this already crazy sequence of events. The Salem witch trials has sparked generations of pointy hat wearing, broomstick carrying little lads and lasses come every Halloween, and has brought us iconic movies and shows. So thank you ladies of Salem, for your sad yet entertaining contribution to Women’s History month. It’s also a very fitting installment in the endless saga that is women’s oppression throughout history.
But hey, that’s what you get for eating all those carbs.
Hellen Keller Was Trending On TikTok And Twitter Today Because She Never Actually Lived
The most famous blind and deaf person to ever live was trending on social media platforms today and the internet is trying to figure out why... Because what the hell else is there to do during this pandemic.
I personally wasn’t very fond of her. I never knew her personally (thank God) and aside from having to learn about her in school, the only positive thing I think she’s brought the world are all the funny jokes about her. They are fucking hilarious, will NEVER get old, and if they offend you, take the blind person cane out of your ass and have a laugh why don’t you. Yes Helen Keller was blind and deaf, but she was born in the 1800s for christ sake. What the hell was there for entertainment? It’s not like people with working eyes and ears back then could enjoy those senses that much anyway. And it was probably nice being blind and deaf back then. You literally had an excuse for never doing anything.
“Can you do the dishes?” Uhh... I’m blind.
“Can you take the washboard down to the creek and clean the pants I just pooped in?” Well... Yeah again, I’m blind.
“We need someone to watch the baby today while we’re away in town.” Um... You really want a blind and deaf person watching your bratty kid?
I mean come on, does that really sound that bad? People worked their fingers to the bone every single day back then. The only time this bitch worked her fingers was when she read brail or flipped you off. Big fucking deal. And don’t even get me started on how she still went to college despite her disabilities. We all know at least a couple of people who are too stupid to read with normal functioning eyes, let alone in brail and they still went to college. It couldn’t have been that hard. And talk about having excuses lined up for when you didn’t do well on an exam. Instead of “my dog ate my homework,” imagine being able to tell your professor you didn’t study simply because your roommate moved your notes to other side of the room. Automatic A every time.
I could go on and on with my fake/sorta kinda real disdain for Helen, but I feel like you get the point. So why was she trending? It wasn’t her birthday today. It wasn’t the anniversary of the first time she successfully picked her nose without poking her eye (as if it actually mattered). So why? Well, for whatever reason there were many people today who took to social media to spread a theory that Helen Keller never actually existed. Some are also saying that while she maybe did exist, she definitely never wrote a book or did anything worth remembering her for. This just goes to show that the internet will find a way to hate on everyone, including our most beloved blind and deaf person. Does she deserve the hate? Depends who you ask I guess. And in conducting my incredibly thorough research on the matter, the one article I skimmed through said it seems as though the majority of these conspiracy theorist Helen haters are teenagers. Surprising. I know. If there’s one thing this generation of teens has taught us, it’s that absolutely no one is safe when it comes to their online playgrounds.
But regardless of whether or not she existed or did anything worth mentioning with her dark and quiet life, Helen Keller will forever be a part of our history. Kind of ironic, isn’t it. Someone you read and hear so much about, wasn’t able to do either.
On This Day In 1863: Two Short People Got Married For All To See
On This Day in 1863, Lavinia Warren married Charles Stratton… Eh, who married who? Well aren’t we stupid. Because this wasn’t just any ordinary ceremony solidifying the love of two no names for eternity, nah, this was a wedding in which over 10,000 people flocked to New York City just to attend, which in 1863 was no small feat. Lavinia Warren and Charles Stratton were as famous and rich as you could be in America in 1863, and they were far from ordinary.
So who the hell was this power couple of the 19th century? They were P.T. Barnum’s star performers in his world famous traveling circus. Back in a time where physical oddities and disabilities were thought to be “curiosities,” Lavinia and Charles cashed in on the country’s curiosity with anybody different from themselves. While small in stature, the duo combined for quite the large spectacle as they traveled across the country as part of Barnum’s circus, and in particular, his ‘freak shows’, politically correct, I know. The couple became so large in fact, that their marriage made the cover of Harper’s Weekly, was written about in The New York Times and Saturday Evening Post, and came with a $75 entrance fee for the 2,000 people lucky enough to attend the reception dinner. 75 bucks back then is roughly $1,550 today. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! That’s quite the price for such a “short” occasion. Wink wink.
The couple lived happily married for two decades and continued to be the center piece for P.T. Barnum’s circus before Charles died unexpectedly from a stroke in 1883. Although long gone, the success of Lavinia Warren and Charles Stratton serves as a lesson to us all. Size doesn’t matter, especially when you can charge people the equivalent of $1,550 just to attend your fucking wedding reception. I mean seriously. That’s over three million dollars in today’s money. THREE MILLION.
Talk about having a Napoleon complex.
The Deadliest Pandemic You’ve Never Heard Of
As deaths from the coronavirus continue to soar, we are constantly reminded of pandemics from the past, both as a warning and, well… because they’re fascinating. You had the black death aka the bubonic plague which ravaged Europe, Africa, and Asia for 8 years in the 1300’s with a death toll believed to be as high as 200 million people, or approximately half of the world’s population. Yes… HALF. There was the flu pandemic of 1918, which killed 20 to 50 million people in three years thanks to its 10 to 20 percent mortality rate among healthy adults. Let’s see, there was the Asian flu in the 1950s that killed 2 million people throughout China and the United States. There’s the ongoing HIV/AIDS pandemic that has killed more than 36 million people across the world since it was first identified in the Democratic Republic of Congo in 1976. I could go on and on and on naming well known and well studied pandemics throughout human history. But there is one, much less talked about pandemic that separates itself from the rest.
Like any deadly virus, it spread like wildfire, leaving millions dead in its path. The weak were instantly killed, while those strong enough to fend off the impending doom navigated through mazes of corpses on their way to safety. The panic and fear experienced by millions around the world was real, and it was everywhere. So why don’t you have a god damn clue of what I’m talking about? Why haven’t you learned about this deadly pandemic in school? Because it happened…
In a video game. That’s right. In 2005, millions of players across the globe experienced a deadly pandemic, not in real life, but in the popular game World of Warcraft. “What the fuck?” is right. Now I’ve never played World of Warcraft, so trying to explain to you how a virtual pandemic spread through a video game would make about as much sense as some conspiracy theorist explaining how birds are a government entity used to spy on us. So here’s an excerpt from an article written by Mihai Andrei that explains just what the hell happened:
“Hakkar the Soulflayer was introduced as a raid boss in World of Warcraft (WoW) on September 13, 2005. Hakkar was a Blood God, a sort of uber-vampire.
As any self-respecting raid boss, Hakkar was also hard to defeat. Max-level characters would party up, go through the gauntlet, and then challenge him. Without careful planning and powerful spells and items, they would almost certainly fail. But, as it always happens, strong parties would outpower him. As Hakkar would feel that he is starting to lose, he would use his last trump card: a strong lifesteal spell.
To combat this last-resort attack, players would intentionally poison themselves — then, as Hakkar would siphon their blood, he would essentially poison himself. Job done, the boss was defeated, parties took their loot and life carried on as normal on the WoW servers.
Until someone (Patient Zero) de-summoned his pet while the poison effect was still active. Without suspecting a thing, Patient Zero went about his business in the WoW world. But later on, when they re-summoned their pet, it was still infected with Hakkar’s plague — and it started spreading like wildfire.
Weaker characters were killed, resurrected, and then killed again after a few seconds. Entire cities were contaminated, and only strong characters could survive — and most abandoned towns entirely, leaving behind piles and piles of infected character corpses.
The corrupted blood effect was only meant to be active in Hakkar’s realm, but due to a coding bug, it was able to spread, making the World of Warcraft servers unexpectedly mirrored a real-life epidemic.”
Got all that? While a tad complicated if you’ve never played the game, a scenario like this one sounds eerily familiar to what we’re experiencing in current times. And not only are there similarities in how the virus both affected players and how it spread, but when the creators of World of Warcraft tried to prevent the virus from spreading further using methods such as telling players to quarantine, many reacted much as people have with the coronavirus, they simply refused. The whole debacle was surprisingly similar to any real life pandemic. So similar in fact, that many epidemiologists have actually studied the virtual outbreak in hopes of using their findings to create more accurate models of disease origins and how to control them.
Blizzard Entertainment, the company behind World of Warcraft, eventually gave up and had to reset their servers. A simple fix to a very complicated problem. If only we had that option in real life.
But we don’t. So mask up and get the vaccine when it becomes available to you. And for those of you who refuse to do either, I hope your miserable lives are added to the death toll sooner than later.
On This Day In 1964: The Most Overrated Music Group Of All Time Brings Their Shitty Music To America
“Groundbreaking, influential, and unique.” These words, among many others, are commonly used to describe the Beatles when talking about their music, style, and story of how they came to be. That’s just great. Who gives a fuck.
If I was asked to describe the music this group of terrible haired hipsters put out, I’d use the same words too. Groundbreakingly bad. Influentially awful. And uniquely, just… ew. I mean come on. I don’t give a shit about their humble beginnings or how they ironically named their ‘groundreaking’ and ‘‘unique’ band after the most common fucking insect, their music sucks. Seriously. I can’t listen to more than two songs in a row without wishing someone would grant me John Lennon’s same fate. Just because their style of music was new and different doesn’t mean it was great, or even good for that matter.
And that stupid Abbey Road album cover? Big fucking deal. They claim it only took their photographer Iain Macmillon six photos to get the perfect shot. Even if this were true, who gives a fuck. Congratulations on taking a photo of four dudes using a crosswalk correctly. The only lasting legacy that photo left behind was the fact that thousands of morons block traffic every year taking similar photos. Wow. Amazing. The only photos I’d find interesting were ones taken after a speeding driver decided to photobomb their photoshoot. Show me THAT album cover.
The only other thing I'll talk about in relation to this terrible band and their horrible music, is their God awful fans. You have nothing better to do than await the arrival of four bozos with bowl cuts? And not only that, but you’re screaming and crying like a bunch of school girls in an 80’s slasher flick. The thousands of photos depicting these pathetic people painted the perfect picture of how crazy you had to be to like this band.
To end this shit hole of a blog, on this day in history, the Beatles landed in America. They were something new and something unique. But groundbreaking and influential? Ha. Not a fucking chance.
So any time you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain… from listening to their God awful music.
From The Revolutionary War To Sexting, The Camera Has Come A Long Way
Conrad Heyer was born in 1749, not only fought in the Revolutionary War, but crossed the Delaware River with George Washington in 1776 and lived long enough to tell the story for another 79 years. Yes. He died when he was 106. And it’s because of this last little detail, that Conrad Heyer also just happens to be the person with the earliest birth date EVER to be photographed. I mean come on, is this really the same person? If TIME Magazine was around for all of this, they wouldn’t have a ‘Person of the Year’ award, it would be simply the ‘Conrad Heyer’ award.
In addition to Heyer, there are several other soldiers from the Revolutionary War who lived long enough to have their pictures taken. And while there is obviously an infinite amount of old pictures out there, there’s just something about these in particular that I find fascinating. You’re looking at actual pictures, of real life people, who fought for our country’s independence almost 250 years ago. Idk that’s just bonkers to me.
What was once used to take pictures of people who fought side by side with someone like George Washington, can now be used to take a picture of your half chub so you can send it to some girl you’ll never bang.
The camera has come a long way.