In Honor Of O.J. Simpson’s Passing… Here are Ten WAYYYYYYYYYY Better O.J.’s...
Orange juice. Obvious first choice here. Where do I begin? Tastes great. Healthy for you. Didn’t get away with murder. What else?
Orange jammies. Like the ones he was supposed to wear for the rest of his life, but…ya know.
Our justice (system). Ok maybe not this one. For obvious reasons.
Old jars. Who doesn’t love a few nice antique mason jars displayed on some half ass installed shelf to help show house guests where you never dust. And until that cheap shelf comes crashing down and one of those Ball jars murders someone…
Oversized jeans. Hideous in my opinion 100% of the time. Like the percent chance O.J. committed murder to anyone with a logical and normally functioning brain. So still better.
Old Jizz. Who doesn’t love finding an old sticky wad of dried up tunnel tadpoles hiding in an old sock. Just think of all the terrible people those could’ve turned into.
Orange Julius. Like orange juice, also doesn’t get away with murder. Oh and tastes even better than its predecessor.
Oh jeez. What every half assed church going midwesterner says instead of a normal adult phrase like… “oh for fucks sake” or “what the fuck” or “what in THE fuck” or “oh fuck” or “oh jesus fucking christ” or “oh jesus fucking christ for fuck’s sakes what the fuck”. Ya know, any of the normal ones that an actual adult uses after either getting shocking news, or seeing a police chase on the tv, or idk seeing someone get away with murder. Just throwing out examples.
Orthodox Jews. Probably against their religion to murder someone in cold blood and then claim your innocence for the rest of time because a wet from blood leather glove doesn’t fit anymore and you can afford to have an entire law office of the best lawyers on your team.
Orenthal James (Simpson). The football player. Not to be confused with O.J. Simpson the cold blooded murderer. Certainly a football player could never do something so heinous.
Scientists Have 20 Minute Conversation With Whale: Second Date Pending
In a first for humankind and science, a team known as ‘Whale-SETI’ successfully held a conversation with a humpback whale named ‘Twain’. Now why his name isn’t Wain so he can be ‘Wain the Whale’ is as big a mystery to me as I’m sure it is to you, but we’ll move on. Scientists from the SETI Institute, University of California Davis, and the Alaska Whale Foundation teamed up to make this first date a spicy one, as the researchers were actually able to communicate with the magnificent beast over what I’m assuming was the most romantic, candle lit, sensual, sexy, hot to trot first date that has ever been had with a whale. Now as to how the actual conversation worked, you’ll probably wanna check out an actual article on the topic. An article by Eric Ralls in earth.com explains how they were able to communicate with the whale by using a recording of a humpback whale’s ‘contact call played into the ocean using a speaker.’ And scientists apparently shit themselves with amazement when their hot date circled their boat and responded in a conversational manner, as they put it. Throughout the rest of their twenty minute speed dating sesh, Twain consistently matched interval variations between playback calls, which sounds like the nerd way of saying the date went well.
Anyway, I don’t know how you can truly tell if you’re accurately communicating with a whale but I’m also not a scientist so who the hell knows. Like I said, read an actual article.
U.S. Postal Service Reveals Its First New Mail Truck In 30 Years And It’s Butt Ugly To Say The Least
I mean seriously... Is this really it? This has to be like when people leak photos of next generation cellphones and the real phone is nothing like it, right? This can’t be what we’re going to have to see driving around for the next three decades. That is assault on the eyes as far as I’m concerned.
And I don’t give a shit that some of these vehicles are apparently going to be electric. I don’t care if they get a thousand miles in a single charge or spit out money instead of exhaust fumes. That all goes out the window because of how horrendous these fucking things look. If trying to help save the environment by going electric means a truck like this will be the new norm, then fuck mother earth. Shove that big, U.S. Postal Service sized gas nozzle right up her ass. If we continue on the route we’re going and end up ruining the planet for future generations, they better at least put a picture of this thing in every text book because you’re looking at the main culprit. Sorry kids, we wanted to stop global warming but your parents didn’t want something this hideous driving by their house every day. Good enough excuse if you ask me. They’ll understand.
Jesus christ this angle is even worse. What the hell is with the front? The windshield does not need to be the size of a damn football field. And you can’t tell me that this design is more aerodynamic than their current mail truck. I’m no engineer or wind resistance expert, but I’m pretty sure a 20 by 20 foot piece of vertical glass isn’t what you want when it comes to staying out of the wind’s way. And if I’m wrong and this IS somehow the most aerodynamic vehicle, it’s not because of its shape. The wind will stay away simply because of how unsightly this design is.
This white hunk of eye cancer shouldn’t be driving around the roads in real life, it should be driven by a raccoon delivering mail in the next Pixar movie. Who the fuck wants to ride around in one of these things. Talk about humiliating. We already make the postal carriers deliver our junk mail and past due bills in snowstorms, hurricanes, forest fires, alien invasions, and god knows what else, so at the very least don’t make them do it in these guaranteed virginity keepers. The current vehicles are ugly enough as it is.
Get your shit together postal service. You guys can deliver 150 billion pieces of mail every year. Coming up with a vehicle that doesn’t look like a drawing from a kindergartner shouldn’t be that difficult. Good lord.
On This Date In 2010: Tiger Woods Apologizes For Doing What Every Average Joe Could Only Fantasize About
On February 19th 2010, Tiger Woods took to CNN to apologize for doing what every single regular guy on the face of the earth wishes they were rich and famous enough to do. You know it. I know it. Come on. Let’s stop pretending already.
In 2010, Tiger Woods was arguably the most iconic athlete in the world. He had roughly half a billion dollars in the bank, and he was hot, both on and off the golf course. I mean come on. The dude could have slept with a hundred gorgeous girls a day if he wanted to. He could have hosted a Victoria Secret fashion show at his house every weekend and then sleep with every single model afterwards just for the hell of it. But he didn’t. He only slept with a total of 120 women throughout the course of his marriage to his then wife. That’s pretty damn impressive if you ask me. Christ most guys in his position would have 120 notches on their bed post within a week if they were even half as rich and famous. There isn’t an honest guy in the world who would tell you he’d remain faithful given Tiger’s circumstances. It’s literally impossible.
It’s also impressive that Tiger was able to keep track of all the women he slept with. 120? Wouldn’t you just say, “Around 100?” Would it really make a difference at that point? What, one less wack to his Cadillac from his golf club swinging wife? And again, while 120 women sounds like a lot to the average guy, remember, the dude slept with like 0.000000001% of the women he could have. That’s some serious restraint.
And if you’re his wife at the time, he is basically paying you a few hundred million dollars to cheat on you. I can think of a lot worse things than instantly becoming a multi-millionaire simply because your stupid ex husband couldn’t keep the golf club between his legs in his own bag. Not a bad trade off if you ask me.
Tiger Woods has made twenty hole-in-ones over his professional career, but as for his love life, a hole in just one, simply won’t do.
Ted Cruz… Not A Good Look, Literally
I could sit here and furiously type out a 10,000 word blog about Ted’s decision to flea to Mexico amid his state’s historic winter emergency, but I’m sure you’ve read plenty of articles perfectly painting that picture, so I’ll spare you from reading another. Let’s disregard that asinine, although unsurprising decision, and instead talk about Cruz’s wardrobe decisions. They are just... well, perfectly Ted.
First of all, there is no way in hell his wife didn’t buy those jeans for him. Those are like the new, slightly more stylish dad jeans. I guess ‘Dad Jeans 2.0′ if you will. Unlike that shirt, the jeans actually fit his fat father physique pretty well. They do a good job of showing off his large lazy ass, while simultaneously hiding the tiny politician penis between his legs. So good choice, Mrs. Cruz.
Next we have the shoes. I can’t quite make out the brand, but they look like some sort of trainer. Another good choice by the wife. Gives the illusion that this fat tub of shit has actually gotten exercise that didn’t involve walking through an airport or to the fridge over the last 20 years. And the shoes also match the gut hugging shirt, so he has that going for him.
Now where this outfit falls apart is the upstairs. Let’s talk about that shirt. While it does match the shoes as I previously stated, it also matches the exact outline of that barrel he’s smuggling into Mexico. If I remember correctly, darker colors usually give a slimming affect as they draw attention away from whatever you’re trying to hide, whereas lighter colors draw attention to the area. Well folks, unfortunately for Mr. Cruz, a god damn black hole couldn’t hide his beer gut. They say everything is bigger in Texas, and in this case, they’re right. The largest Yeti cooler can hold 259 cans of beer according to their website, and this leaves me wondering how many cans of beer it took to make whatever he’s got going on under that shirt. I can only assume he spilled something (probably a beer) on whatever shirt his wife picked out and changed to this last minute because there’s no way she’d let him out of the house looking like that.
And last but CERTAINLY not least, Jesus Christ Ted, that mask. If you’re going to flea the state you get paid to serve, at the very least find a different mask to wear you fucking moron. A Texas mask?!? Really??? Buy one from the airport with a Mexican flag on it and wear that around next time. Or better yet, choke on it and put us all out of our misery. You owe your state at least that much.
Anyways, I know you’re not supposed to drink the water in Mexico, but shitting out a few dozen pounds thanks to terrible diarrhea wouldn’t be the worst thing for that dad bod.
Scientists Discover 24 Planets Better For Life Than Earth… So What’s The Catch?
Almost two million years is the catch. Because given our current technology, it would take roughly 1.7 million years to get anywhere near one of these planets. If you think the annual road trip with your annoying family is hard, just imagine how many of your sibling’s farts you’d consume on this vacation from hell.
So what exactly makes these planets so special? A study conducted by Washington State University describes “superhabitable” planets as those that are older, a little larger, slightly warmer, and possibly wetter than Earth. Uh, come again? Older? Larger? Warmer? AND… Wetter?!? Are we talking about the criteria for something I’d want to inhabit or all the elements needed to make good milf porn. I guess if you think about it, they’re one and the same. Any planet worthy of starring in its own x rated space fantasy is definitely good enough to live on.
I didn’t feel like reading the rest of the article, but I’m going to assume they didn’t offer up any ideas on how to reach these planets any quicker. So unfortunately, like any good milf porn, this too will remain a fantasy.
Shucks.
Horny Basement Dwellers Ruin TikTok Silhouette Challenge
While this may look like something out of the Red Light District in Amsterdam, it’s far from it, and MUCH more important. This isn’t girls putting their bodies on display in hopes of finding that special someone who’ll shell out $500 for sex with a stranger... No, this is the latest and greatest viral TikTok challenge where girls, of all shapes and sizes, put their bodies on display as part of the body positivity movement. Using a simple red light filter on TikTok, users can now show their thigh gaps, skinny arms, and tight stomachs without showing too much of the goods, ya know, like their tiny outfits do in literally every other video they post.
Now, do many of these girls make money from TikTok? Yes. Do they make money from TikTok because they just happen to post videos of themselves in bikinis so small there wouldn’t be enough material to wipe my ass with? Yes. So are they kind of like prostitutes in a way? Probably. But that’s not the point here.
The point of this blog is that, as with any half assed movement on the internet, someone will find a way to ruin it. And in the case of the TikTok red light district/body positive virtual prostitutes... ruin they did. The second the red lights were in site, hundreds of horny, basement dwelling incels got off their lonely futons to post educational tutorials on YouTube on how to remove the red light filter, therefore exposing user’s bodies in, well, all their “glory”. Creepy? Very. Intrusive? Obviously. Illegal? I don’t know but it should be. Because as stupid and questionable as the majority of TikTok “challenges” and many of their users tend to be, no one deserves to have their body exposed against their will, ESPECIALLY by some weirdo losers who have never talked to an actual woman who doesn’t require batteries.
So I don’t know if the FBI is still trying to find more idiots who stormed the capital, but they need to stop whatever they’re doing and lock up some of these mouth breathing scumbag fucks. Because if you’ve never touched an actual boob in real life, you shouldn’t be allowed to expose one on the internet.
Bored Security Guard Draws Eyes On Million Dollar Painting
Alexander Vasiliev, a security guard at an art gallery in Russia could face prison time after vandalizing a painting reportedly worth up to a million dollars. Prison time for vandalizing a painting?!? You’re probably wondering what he did to the artwork to deserve such punishment (unless you read the title). Did he set fire to the thing? Did he send it through a paper shredder? Rub his dick on it? Did he ok you get the point. But no, none of the above. He, well... simply finished it.
This was apparently the poor sap’s first day on the job and look, we’ve all been there. The big first day. You’re nervous, you couldn’t sleep the night before, you probably have that anxiety diarrhea we all love, and the last thing you want to do is mess anything up. And not because you actually give two shits about some meaningless job you’re going to quit in a few months, but because you don’t feel like catching an ear beating by some miserable power tripping, micromanaging ass hat with coffee breath and the perfectly putrid combination of body odor and cheap cologne. First days suck, regardless of whether or not you draw eyes on a priceless painting.
According to news reports, Vasiliev claimed he was told the artwork was done by teenagers and said teenagers even gave him a pen to draw eyes on the painting. Let’s pretend for a second that we believe this lying moron... Why on earth would you be hired as a security guard at a place that displayed artwork done by zit faced kids lacking fully developed brains. What are you guarding? Their virginities? Come on dude. We’ve all been there. You wanna make a good impression on your first day and thought finishing a priceless work of art was a good way to get the boss’s attention. Maybe the artist died of a heart attack right before they were about to add the facial features and you’re just helping them out. We’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re not just a dumbass who was fooled by some giggly girls.
And I gotta say, that shitty painting does definitely look better with eyes.
Hotel Guests Given Squirt Guns To Fend Off Annoying Birds
When you think of Venice Italy, what comes to mind? Love? The canals? The poor souls in old fashioned prison clothes rowing tourists around in those big ass boats in said canals? Great food? Well, probably all of the above. However, for those lucky enough to save up the trillion dollars it costs to take a trip to Venice, add sea gulls to the list. And lots of them.
In a news story straight out of The Onion, sea gulls have become such a nuisance to tourists, some hotel owners have reportedly resorted to arming guests with squirt guns to scare away those pesky birds. Yes, mother fucking squirt guns.
Francesco Boemo, a hygiene and environment expert (and obvious virgin) said “The huge number of seagulls, in addition to being an aggressive and annoying presence for people, represent a problem for health and hygiene, as well as for buildings and the environment.” And that’s why according to The Guardian, hotel associations in Venice are currently in the process of creating a plan to fend off the “aggressive and annoying” seagulls. However, apparently not fast enough as some hotel owners have taken matters into their own hands. Those things you used as kids to annoy the living crap out of every prissy girl or chubby neighbor boy are now being utilized on the front lines of the great battle between birds and brains, or apparently lack there of.
Because I can already tell you what’s going to happen, and it’s going to be absolutely awesome. I can’t wait for the videos to start flooding YouTube, of Karens up and down every canal wielding everything from gift shop spritzers to the most expensive of super soakers, trying to fend of these flying terrorists as they spray everything but the target that just took off with pieces of their overpriced lunch. There will be more lawsuits from people getting their eyes hosed out than from the occasional bird crap creamer in one of these idiot’s lattes. It’ll be ‘The Birds’ remake we’ve all been waiting for.
Now, some hotel owners are already claiming that the water weapons are working. Yeah bullshit. Paolo Lorenzi of the Gritti Palace (and certified liar) claims that the birds fly away “as soon as they see the pistols.” Mhmmm. Sure they do. We’ve all been to the beach. And we’ve all played tug of war with a seagull over that half eaten bag of sand covered chips you were done with anyway. These assholes aren’t afraid of shit, and they sure as hell aren’t afraid of Karen’s shit aim. You could spray one of these fuckers with a fire hose and it would come back 15 minutes later to try and take your virginity, let alone your food. They don’t give a damn about anything. So good luck intimidating thousands of them with some iPhone emoji looking squirt gun.
I guess it’s back to the drawing bird.