Are Manatees The Most Overrated Animals On Planet Earth?
Look, I get it. I really do. They’re adorable. They’re the size and shape of an old VW bus. They have whiskers like a cat, little flippers, and they sleep and float around all day like that fluffy turd you left in your ex girlfriend’s toilet the night she told you it was over. I get why people with normally functioning brains think they’re cute. With that being said however…
I just don’t see it. Somebody help me understand our culture’s creepy obsession with manatees. What’s so great about them? Really? Is it because they’re so pathetic and helpless? And fat? Have you ever seen a manatee migration? Where they all come hangout together in a big clump for a few days before continuing on their journey to wherever the hell they go for the winter? No? Well there’s schools of them, like fish. And I could quite literally run across their backs like a contestant on that obstacle course show, drowning them one by one with each step. Ok that was too far. Jesus.
Also, nobody ever talks about how dolphins are literally just manatees only better in every way possible. Every single way. Name one thing a manatee can do that a dolphin can’t? What… fuckin’ float better? Get hit by more boats? Have less sex? What? And for those of you who think manatees are cute, have you seen other animals? I can name like 3,200 way cuter animals. They’re so ugly. If they were cute every man in here would be 400 pounds and keep 6 really long whiskers on each cheek when on the prowl for women. Ok I guess that’s basically the entire midwest but you get my point. Ok fuck it. Fine. Maybe Manatees are cute. If they’re good enough for the millions of miserable midwest gals, who am I to judge? Whatever.
But really, evolution. God damn guys. Grow them some fangs or something. Stick up for the poor creatures. How the fuck does a god make an animal so fat and slow, that out of the bazillion different species in the ocean, it’s literally the only one to get repeatedly run over by boats for its entire life. That’s impressive. Hell I once saw a pelican kick the shit out of a manatee while standing on one leg… That’s how pathetic these things are. Give them like a turtle shell or something for some defense at least. What was god trying to make when he debuted this thing anyway? Was he trying to make the hippo worse and less menacing in every way possible?
“There weren’t any motor boats when god made manatees.”
Yeah I know. But I would think someone who could create an entire fucking universe and then also this slow, fat, pathetic waste of a living thing without a single defense mechanism would foresee it having some natural enemies. All I’m trying to say is I think God needs to do a little software update on these things. Or evolution needs to speed up the process a bit. I’m tired of hearing about them and their issues.
Save the manatees? Save it.
Scientists Have 20 Minute Conversation With Whale: Second Date Pending
In a first for humankind and science, a team known as ‘Whale-SETI’ successfully held a conversation with a humpback whale named ‘Twain’. Now why his name isn’t Wain so he can be ‘Wain the Whale’ is as big a mystery to me as I’m sure it is to you, but we’ll move on. Scientists from the SETI Institute, University of California Davis, and the Alaska Whale Foundation teamed up to make this first date a spicy one, as the researchers were actually able to communicate with the magnificent beast over what I’m assuming was the most romantic, candle lit, sensual, sexy, hot to trot first date that has ever been had with a whale. Now as to how the actual conversation worked, you’ll probably wanna check out an actual article on the topic. An article by Eric Ralls in earth.com explains how they were able to communicate with the whale by using a recording of a humpback whale’s ‘contact call played into the ocean using a speaker.’ And scientists apparently shit themselves with amazement when their hot date circled their boat and responded in a conversational manner, as they put it. Throughout the rest of their twenty minute speed dating sesh, Twain consistently matched interval variations between playback calls, which sounds like the nerd way of saying the date went well.
Anyway, I don’t know how you can truly tell if you’re accurately communicating with a whale but I’m also not a scientist so who the hell knows. Like I said, read an actual article.
Scientists Discover 24 Planets Better For Life Than Earth… So What’s The Catch?
Almost two million years is the catch. Because given our current technology, it would take roughly 1.7 million years to get anywhere near one of these planets. If you think the annual road trip with your annoying family is hard, just imagine how many of your sibling’s farts you’d consume on this vacation from hell.
So what exactly makes these planets so special? A study conducted by Washington State University describes “superhabitable” planets as those that are older, a little larger, slightly warmer, and possibly wetter than Earth. Uh, come again? Older? Larger? Warmer? AND… Wetter?!? Are we talking about the criteria for something I’d want to inhabit or all the elements needed to make good milf porn. I guess if you think about it, they’re one and the same. Any planet worthy of starring in its own x rated space fantasy is definitely good enough to live on.
I didn’t feel like reading the rest of the article, but I’m going to assume they didn’t offer up any ideas on how to reach these planets any quicker. So unfortunately, like any good milf porn, this too will remain a fantasy.
Shucks.
Greenland Sharks Are Really Fucking Old
Scientists believe that Greenland sharks can live to be 400 years old. Yes, 400. That wasn’t a typo. If you think this sounds like bullshit, do what I skeptically did and google this thing. Just look at a picture of one of these floating fossils and tell me that thing doesn’t look every bit of four centuries.
Greenland sharks are members of the ‘sleeper shark’ family, which is probably a good thing because when you’re older than most of the shipwrecks you swim by every day, those long afternoon naps I’m sure are a must. In addition to the ironic family they belong to, these living museums are found primarily in cold water environments like the Arctic Ocean and North Atlantic, thus proving that shivering your whole damn life is obviously the key to living longer than anyone would ever want to. I mean Jesus Christ! Four centuries, just imagine.
To put this into perspective, 244 years ago George Washington gave the United States its birth date when he led the rebels in victory over the British. And somewhere far away, there was a shark swimming around, who could have been old enough to be Washington’s great grandfather, with a life span so long that he’s still swimming around today. That’s a really old shark, folks.