Today I Learned That Jeopardy Contestants Aren’t Actually All The Same Height

What is... What the fuck. 

How the hell am I just finding out about this in 2021?!? How did I not notice this before? Has anyone else gone this long without picking up on the fact that, either literally every single contestant in the history of Jeopardy! was the same exact height, or there’s some sort of witchcraft going on behind the hideous news desk looking thing. Well apparently... they stand on adjustable platforms. And while this is probably quite obvious to the 99.999% of people who have ever seen a single episode of Jeopardy!, there are HOPEFULLY a few people as dumb as me who either never noticed it or thought there was a super strict height requirement to play America’s favorite game show. (Yes, it’s America’s favorite game show. Wheel of Fortune sucks and I’ve seen fossils that look younger than Vanna White. And don’t even get me started on The Price Is Right. It comes on at like 10am. If you’re not a kid playing hooky from school you shouldn’t be watching it. So shut up.)

Anyways, I still cannot believe I never noticed that the contestants just happen to all be the same height every single episode. Maybe I’m too focused on the game. That’s probably it. I wouldn’t have an average of 1.2 correct questions per episode if it weren’t for my laser-like focus ya know. But nonetheless, this revelation is still life changing. I’ll never be able to watch another game of Jeopardy! without staring at the tops of three strangers heads as I gauge how level they are. 

And it’s hard enough watching Jeopardy! these days.

Why Are You Wishing Your Parents A Happy Birthday On Instagram? No One Cares

Just a quick PSA for everybody, if you're wishing a parent happy birthday on a social media platform that your parent isn't even on, instead of making 500 random people scroll past the same paragraph and stupid pictures you posted last year, just send them a text. Ok?

Because I'm sorry to break the news to you, but no one reads past the first few words, and all you're doing is making us hate you more than we already do. Especially you self important idiots who feel the need to wish your parents a happy birthday or anniversary on Instagram. INSTAGRAM. Are your parents on insta?!? I’ll answer that for you... No, they are not. So should you be congratulating them on getting older or wasting away another year with their spouse who they’ve hated for a decade now? I’ll answer that question for you too... No, you should not. 

"Happy 27th anniversary to my two role models, you've taught me so much about life and love, and you're an inspiration to us all. I can only hope to be just as perfect as you two someday and blah blah blah blah BLAH. The only reason, I repeat, the ONLY reason you make these stupid posts is to get likes and attention. That’s it. There is absolutely no other reason to post about your parents birthday or anniversary on a platform they don’t even have. They won’t see the post and you probably told them the same sappy shit in person or over the phone early that day anyway. Actually, you probably didn’t because no one is ever that corny. Ever. Just on social media when it comes to getting attention. If you want attention that badly, post a topless selfie, or a picture of your parents having sex. I don’t know. But spice it up a little bit. 

And if you just have to make these stupid posts every year, if you can’t live unless you type out the same shitty paragraph about how great Bob and Lisa are, then it should be a requirement that you also make a post when they get divorced with all the dirty details about how Bob fucked Lisa’s best friend. I guarantee this would get way more likes, and would definitely be more entertaining to read. So just some things to think about. 

In the meantime however, just text your parents whatever you thought the rest of the world wanted to read. They’ll appreciate it and we won’t have to pretend to. Thanks. 

Mr. Potato Head Comes Out As Gender Neutral... Old News

Mr. Potato Head... A dude with a bushy mustache but manicured eyebrows, pink ears and blue shoes, wears lipstick but no pants, and rocks a bowler hat which was popular in 1800′s Britain, has recently revealed that he isn’t a Mr. or a Mrs., he’s actually gender neutral. Go fucking figure. Just look at this spiffy motherfucker. Does it look like this trend setting staple crop gives two shits about gender identity? Of course not. I wonder why it even took this long for him I mean it to take away the ‘Mr.’ from his name. I mean it’s name, dammit. 

And for those of you who are upset by this recent development (Fox News and company), I have more bad news. If this dapper son of a bitch (I mean offspring of a bitch) doesn’t adhere to society created gender identities, there’s no way in hell that Potato Head identifies as a vegetable, starch, or root or whatever the hell else they’re labeled as nowadays. This bad ass is in its own food group, if it even considers itself a food at this point. I’m guessing not. 

When the dust finally settles and those of you devastated by the news are able to move past this, I’m sure there will be more toys and cartoon characters who will come out as gender neutral, gay, bi-sexual, trans, and whatever else you idiots still have a hard time accepting. So I just hope this isn’t too much for you folks to handle. Just know that there are resources available to you, to help get you through these tough times. 

Fuck. As I was typing this shitty blog I read another article on the matter and apparently Hasbro is just changing the brand name to Potato Head, but is keeping the Mr. and Mrs. Potato head characters. But I already wrote this much so I’m not deleting it. God dammit Hasbro. I guess Potato Head is a Mr. after all. 

Whatever. That’s what you get for taking the time to a write a fucking blog about a toy potato. 

Friday The 13th Is Trending On Twitter And My Dumb Ass Automatically Assumed It Was… Well…

I actually had to look and see if today was indeed, Friday the 13th. Not only is it not even close to the 13th, it’s also not Friday. But whatever, it’s the greatest slasher franchise of all time and deserves to trend on social media on a random Wednesday in February. Fine by me. Also, the poster art for the original movie is the coolest of any slasher film I’ve seen. Back in a time where they actually cared about the poster art, this one reigned supreme. 

I still have no idea WHY it’s trending, but in honor of the coolest summer camp you’d never want to attend, I present to you the single greatest moment in any slasher movie in history. And if I’m spoiling the ending of the first movie for you, consider it punishment for not watching this absolute gem every year come Halloween. 

I wish I had that memory eraser thing from ‘Men In Black’ so I could watch this for the first time again. What a way to end a movie. It’s just so 80′s. It’s perfect. 

Which Fucking Super Bowl Are We On?

Dear NFL, 

Just tell us it’s Super Bowl 55. For fucks sake. Enough with the god damn tally mark shit we learned a billion years ago in grade school. The Roman empire dissolved in 1453, so I shouldn’t have to use google to tell me what Super Bowl it is in addition to looking up when the Roman Empire was dissolved. So anyways, quit using their shitty numbering system. 

Thanks, 

From literally everyone who isn’t a huge nerd

Championship Winning Teams: Stop Covering Up Your Awesome Jerseys With Crappy T-Shirts

As we await the next winner of the Super Bowl, there’s something we need to talk about. Something that’s been bothering me, and maybe only me, for years now. Why in the hell do championship teams cover up their jerseys with ugly t-shirts?!? Why??? What’s the point. We know you won. We just fucking watched you win. Why do you insist on, year after year, celebrating your hard earned victory in cheap t-shirts that look like they were designed by some stupid intern at 5 pm on a Friday when everyone else is already at happy hour. Honestly. You’ve worn your jerseys all season long. You’ve shed blood, sweat, and tears into the fibers of this battle attire, only to replace them with generic shirts the second the confetti starts falling. Why??? Celebrate in the shirt that was with you from the start, not some new garment that was made three days ago by some underpaid kid in a sweatshop. 

Now, I’m sure there’s pressure on the players to wear these ugly things. And who knows, maybe they even get some sort of bonus from the league. I don’t know. But regardless, they’re hideous and have no place in any championship celebration. So if the leagues absolutely insist on having players wear them, save it for the locker room celebration when everyone is shit faced and spilling beer, champaign, and God knows what other liquids on each other.

I might very well be the only one on earth who cares about this. But seriously, look at the Chiefs’ jerseys compared to those t-shirts and tell me I’m wrong.

Exactly. 

From The Revolutionary War To Sexting, The Camera Has Come A Long Way

Conrad Heyer was born in 1749, not only fought in the Revolutionary War, but crossed the Delaware River with George Washington in 1776 and lived long enough to tell the story for another 79 years. Yes. He died when he was 106. And it’s because of this last little detail, that Conrad Heyer also just happens to be the person with the earliest birth date EVER to be photographed. I mean come on, is this really the same person? If TIME Magazine was around for all of this, they wouldn’t have a ‘Person of the Year’ award, it would be simply the ‘Conrad Heyer’ award.

In addition to Heyer, there are several other soldiers from the Revolutionary War who lived long enough to have their pictures taken. And while there is obviously an infinite amount of old pictures out there, there’s just something about these in particular that I find fascinating. You’re looking at actual pictures, of real life people, who fought for our country’s independence almost 250 years ago. Idk that’s just bonkers to me.

What was once used to take pictures of people who fought side by side with someone like George Washington, can now be used to take a picture of your half chub so you can send it to some girl you’ll never bang.

The camera has come a long way.