Are Manatees The Most Overrated Animals On Planet Earth?

Look, I get it. I really do. They’re adorable. They’re the size and shape of an old VW bus. They have whiskers like a cat, little flippers, and they sleep and float around all day like that fluffy turd you left in your ex girlfriend’s toilet the night she told you it was over. I get why people with normally functioning brains think they’re cute. With that being said however…

I just don’t see it. Somebody help me understand our culture’s creepy obsession with manatees. What’s so great about them? Really? Is it because they’re so pathetic and helpless? And fat? Have you ever seen a manatee migration? Where they all come hangout together in a big clump for a few days before continuing on their journey to wherever the hell they go for the winter? No? Well there’s schools of them, like fish. And I could quite literally run across their backs like a contestant on that obstacle course show, drowning them one by one with each step. Ok that was too far. Jesus.

Also, nobody ever talks about how dolphins are literally just manatees only better in every way possible. Every single way. Name one thing a manatee can do that a dolphin can’t? What… fuckin’ float better? Get hit by more boats? Have less sex? What? And for those of you who think manatees are cute, have you seen other animals? I can name like 3,200 way cuter animals. They’re so ugly. If they were cute every man in here would be 400 pounds and keep 6 really long whiskers on each cheek when on the prowl for women. Ok I guess that’s basically the entire midwest but you get my point. Ok fuck it. Fine. Maybe Manatees are cute. If they’re good enough for the millions of miserable midwest gals, who am I to judge? Whatever.

But really, evolution. God damn guys. Grow them some fangs or something. Stick up for the poor creatures. How the fuck does a god make an animal so fat and slow, that out of the bazillion different species in the ocean, it’s literally the only one to get repeatedly run over by boats for its entire life. That’s impressive. Hell I once saw a pelican kick the shit out of a manatee while standing on one leg… That’s how pathetic these things are. Give them like a turtle shell or something for some defense at least. What was god trying to make when he debuted this thing anyway? Was he trying to make the hippo worse and less menacing in every way possible?

“There weren’t any motor boats when god made manatees.”

Yeah I know. But I would think someone who could create an entire fucking universe and then also this slow, fat, pathetic waste of a living thing without a single defense mechanism would foresee it having some natural enemies. All I’m trying to say is I think God needs to do a little software update on these things. Or evolution needs to speed up the process a bit. I’m tired of hearing about them and their issues.

Save the manatees? Save it.