Ted Cruz… Not A Good Look, Literally
I could sit here and furiously type out a 10,000 word blog about Ted’s decision to flea to Mexico amid his state’s historic winter emergency, but I’m sure you’ve read plenty of articles perfectly painting that picture, so I’ll spare you from reading another. Let’s disregard that asinine, although unsurprising decision, and instead talk about Cruz’s wardrobe decisions. They are just... well, perfectly Ted.
First of all, there is no way in hell his wife didn’t buy those jeans for him. Those are like the new, slightly more stylish dad jeans. I guess ‘Dad Jeans 2.0′ if you will. Unlike that shirt, the jeans actually fit his fat father physique pretty well. They do a good job of showing off his large lazy ass, while simultaneously hiding the tiny politician penis between his legs. So good choice, Mrs. Cruz.
Next we have the shoes. I can’t quite make out the brand, but they look like some sort of trainer. Another good choice by the wife. Gives the illusion that this fat tub of shit has actually gotten exercise that didn’t involve walking through an airport or to the fridge over the last 20 years. And the shoes also match the gut hugging shirt, so he has that going for him.
Now where this outfit falls apart is the upstairs. Let’s talk about that shirt. While it does match the shoes as I previously stated, it also matches the exact outline of that barrel he’s smuggling into Mexico. If I remember correctly, darker colors usually give a slimming affect as they draw attention away from whatever you’re trying to hide, whereas lighter colors draw attention to the area. Well folks, unfortunately for Mr. Cruz, a god damn black hole couldn’t hide his beer gut. They say everything is bigger in Texas, and in this case, they’re right. The largest Yeti cooler can hold 259 cans of beer according to their website, and this leaves me wondering how many cans of beer it took to make whatever he’s got going on under that shirt. I can only assume he spilled something (probably a beer) on whatever shirt his wife picked out and changed to this last minute because there’s no way she’d let him out of the house looking like that.
And last but CERTAINLY not least, Jesus Christ Ted, that mask. If you’re going to flea the state you get paid to serve, at the very least find a different mask to wear you fucking moron. A Texas mask?!? Really??? Buy one from the airport with a Mexican flag on it and wear that around next time. Or better yet, choke on it and put us all out of our misery. You owe your state at least that much.
Anyways, I know you’re not supposed to drink the water in Mexico, but shitting out a few dozen pounds thanks to terrible diarrhea wouldn’t be the worst thing for that dad bod.