Hotel Guests Given Squirt Guns To Fend Off Annoying Birds

When you think of Venice Italy, what comes to mind? Love? The canals? The poor souls in old fashioned prison clothes rowing tourists around in those big ass boats in said canals? Great food? Well, probably all of the above. However, for those lucky enough to save up the trillion dollars it costs to take a trip to Venice, add sea gulls to the list. And lots of them. 

In a news story straight out of The Onion, sea gulls have become such a nuisance to tourists, some hotel owners have reportedly resorted to arming guests with squirt guns to scare away those pesky birds. Yes, mother fucking squirt guns. 

Francesco Boemo, a hygiene and environment expert (and obvious virgin) said “The huge number of seagulls, in addition to being an aggressive and annoying presence for people, represent a problem for health and hygiene, as well as for buildings and the environment.” And that’s why according to The Guardian, hotel associations in Venice are currently in the process of creating a plan to fend off the “aggressive and annoying” seagulls. However, apparently not fast enough as some hotel owners have taken matters into their own hands. Those things you used as kids to annoy the living crap out of every prissy girl or chubby neighbor boy are now being utilized on the front lines of the great battle between birds and brains, or apparently lack there of. 

Because I can already tell you what’s going to happen, and it’s going to be absolutely awesome. I can’t wait for the videos to start flooding YouTube, of Karens up and down every canal wielding everything from gift shop spritzers to the most expensive of super soakers, trying to fend of these flying terrorists as they spray everything but the target that just took off with pieces of their overpriced lunch. There will be more lawsuits from people getting their eyes hosed out than from the occasional bird crap creamer in one of these idiot’s lattes. It’ll be ‘The Birds’ remake we’ve all been waiting for. 

Now, some hotel owners are already claiming that the water weapons are working. Yeah bullshit. Paolo Lorenzi of the Gritti Palace (and certified liar) claims that the birds fly away “as soon as they see the pistols.” Mhmmm. Sure they do. We’ve all been to the beach. And we’ve all played tug of war with a seagull over that half eaten bag of sand covered chips you were done with anyway. These assholes aren’t afraid of shit, and they sure as hell aren’t afraid of Karen’s shit aim. You could spray one of these fuckers with a fire hose and it would come back 15 minutes later to try and take your virginity, let alone your food. They don’t give a damn about anything. So good luck intimidating thousands of them with some iPhone emoji looking squirt gun. 

I guess it’s back to the drawing bird.