U.S. Postal Service Reveals Its First New Mail Truck In 30 Years And It’s Butt Ugly To Say The Least

I mean seriously... Is this really it? This has to be like when people leak photos of next generation cellphones and the real phone is nothing like it, right? This can’t be what we’re going to have to see driving around for the next three decades. That is assault on the eyes as far as I’m concerned. 

And I don’t give a shit that some of these vehicles are apparently going to be electric. I don’t care if they get a thousand miles in a single charge or spit out money instead of exhaust fumes. That all goes out the window because of how horrendous these fucking things look. If trying to help save the environment by going electric means a truck like this will be the new norm, then fuck mother earth. Shove that big, U.S. Postal Service sized gas nozzle right up her ass. If we continue on the route we’re going and end up ruining the planet for future generations, they better at least put a picture of this thing in every text book because you’re looking at the main culprit. Sorry kids, we wanted to stop global warming but your parents didn’t want something this hideous driving by their house every day. Good enough excuse if you ask me. They’ll understand. 

Jesus christ this angle is even worse. What the hell is with the front? The windshield does not need to be the size of a damn football field. And you can’t tell me that this design is more aerodynamic than their current mail truck. I’m no engineer or wind resistance expert, but I’m pretty sure a 20 by 20 foot piece of vertical glass isn’t what you want when it comes to staying out of the wind’s way. And if I’m wrong and this IS somehow the most aerodynamic vehicle, it’s not because of its shape. The wind will stay away simply because of how unsightly this design is. 

This white hunk of eye cancer shouldn’t be driving around the roads in real life, it should be driven by a raccoon delivering mail in the next Pixar movie. Who the fuck wants to ride around in one of these things. Talk about humiliating.  We already make the postal carriers deliver our junk mail and past due bills in snowstorms, hurricanes, forest fires, alien invasions, and god knows what else, so at the very least don’t make them do it in these guaranteed virginity keepers. The current vehicles are ugly enough as it is. 

Get your shit together postal service. You guys can deliver 150 billion pieces of mail every year. Coming up with a vehicle that doesn’t look like a drawing from a kindergartner shouldn’t be that difficult. Good lord. 

Friday The 13th Is Trending On Twitter And My Dumb Ass Automatically Assumed It Was… Well…

I actually had to look and see if today was indeed, Friday the 13th. Not only is it not even close to the 13th, it’s also not Friday. But whatever, it’s the greatest slasher franchise of all time and deserves to trend on social media on a random Wednesday in February. Fine by me. Also, the poster art for the original movie is the coolest of any slasher film I’ve seen. Back in a time where they actually cared about the poster art, this one reigned supreme. 

I still have no idea WHY it’s trending, but in honor of the coolest summer camp you’d never want to attend, I present to you the single greatest moment in any slasher movie in history. And if I’m spoiling the ending of the first movie for you, consider it punishment for not watching this absolute gem every year come Halloween. 

I wish I had that memory eraser thing from ‘Men In Black’ so I could watch this for the first time again. What a way to end a movie. It’s just so 80′s. It’s perfect. 

Strawberry Burt’s Bees Is Literally The Worst Lip Balm Of All Time

As a user for over a decade now, I consider myself a Burt’s Bees connoisseur. I prefer Burt’s Bees over any other lip balm brand and I’ll be a Burt’s Bees user till the day I die… On one condition though. There is one product, one flavor to be exact, preventing old Burt from having a perfect lip balm lineup, and that is their god damned strawberry flavor. Where do I begin with this shit. If you’re a burtsaholic like myself, surely you’ve shared the same displeasure after using this down right awful flavor. Strawberry?!? My fucking ass. You’d be better off trying to use an actual strawberry to quench your lips thirst than this lip balm. 

First of all the consistency is terrible. It’s like a mix of mashed potatoes and dried semen. So much so that you can never just apply a nice, thin, even layer to your lips because chunks break off and end up all over your face. And nothing in this life is more infuriating than trying to use melted, chunky chapstick (Yes I know, chapstick is a brand not the product name, shut up). But you get it all over your face, on your fingers, all over the actual tube, and chunks of this shit constantly get stuck in the cap. And if you’re one of those weirdos that doesn’t use lip balm then you have no idea what on earth I’m talking about. And congratulations by the way, on having chapped lips that no one wants to ever kiss because that’s disgusting. 

Regardless of how terrible this stuff is, my dumb ass manages to somehow end up with a stick of strawberry a few times a year and every time I am reminded of the horror in trying to use this shit. It’s good for MAYBE three uses before morphing into its true, and downright evil, colors. And if you happen to leave satan’s lip balm in the sun for any amount of time, good luck. This won’t melt like your average lip balm or any of the other Burt’s Bees flavors, no, this shit turns into hot lava. You won’t need lip balm anymore because you won’t have any more lips left. 

There has to be something weird going on here. I’ve mistakenly tried too many different samples of strawberry for this to be a coincidence. Whatever is going on though needs to stop or I’m switching to another brand. I’ll go to their rival Carmex. I’ll do it. In the lip balm world, you’re a free agent the second your last tube is finished. Or in the case of strawberry Burt’s Bees, thrown out.  

It’s just so so bad. It shouldn’t be this damn bad. I mean christ, I’ll take their cucumber mint over strawberry any day and that smells like someone shoved a cucumber up their ass, ate it, and then tried to mask the smell with a breath mint. 

So if we can’t figure out how to improve this horrid flavor, just stop making the shit. Burn it all. Send the rest of the inventory to North Korea. I don’t care, just do something with it that doesn’t involve my lips, please.

Hellen Keller Was Trending On TikTok And Twitter Today Because She Never Actually Lived

The most famous blind and deaf person to ever live was trending on social media platforms today and the internet is trying to figure out why... Because what the hell else is there to do during this pandemic. 

I personally wasn’t very fond of her. I never knew her personally (thank God) and aside from having to learn about her in school, the only positive thing I think she’s brought the world are all the funny jokes about her. They are fucking hilarious, will NEVER get old, and if they offend you, take the blind person cane out of your ass and have a laugh why don’t you. Yes Helen Keller was blind and deaf, but she was born in the 1800s for christ sake. What the hell was there for entertainment? It’s not like people with working eyes and ears back then could enjoy those senses that much anyway. And it was probably nice being blind and deaf back then. You literally had an excuse for never doing anything. 

“Can you do the dishes?” Uhh... I’m blind.

“Can you take the washboard down to the creek and clean the pants I just pooped in?” Well... Yeah again, I’m blind. 

“We need someone to watch the baby today while we’re away in town.” Um... You really want a blind and deaf person watching your bratty kid? 

I mean come on, does that really sound that bad? People worked their fingers to the bone every single day back then. The only time this bitch worked her fingers was when she read brail or flipped you off. Big fucking deal. And don’t even get me started on how she still went to college despite her disabilities. We all know at least a couple of people who are too stupid to read with normal functioning eyes, let alone in brail and they still went to college. It couldn’t have been that hard. And talk about having excuses lined up for when you didn’t do well on an exam. Instead of “my dog ate my homework,” imagine being able to tell your professor you didn’t study simply because your roommate moved your notes to other side of the room. Automatic A every time. 

I could go on and on with my fake/sorta kinda real disdain for Helen, but I feel like you get the point. So why was she trending? It wasn’t her birthday today. It wasn’t the anniversary of the first time she successfully picked her nose without poking her eye (as if it actually mattered). So why? Well, for whatever reason there were many people today who took to social media to spread a theory that Helen Keller never actually existed. Some are also saying that while she maybe did exist, she definitely never wrote a book or did anything worth remembering her for. This just goes to show that the internet will find a way to hate on everyone, including our most beloved blind and deaf person. Does she deserve the hate? Depends who you ask I guess. And in conducting my incredibly thorough research on the matter, the one article I skimmed through said it seems as though the majority of these conspiracy theorist Helen haters are teenagers. Surprising. I know. If there’s one thing this generation of teens has taught us, it’s that absolutely no one is safe when it comes to their online playgrounds. 

But regardless of whether or not she existed or did anything worth mentioning with her dark and quiet life, Helen Keller will forever be a part of our history. Kind of ironic, isn’t it. Someone you read and hear so much about, wasn’t able to do either. 

Steve Irwin Should Have Turned 59 Today… Fuck Stingrays

Well… Today we SHOULD be celebrating the 59th birthday of the greatest crocodile hunter of all time, Steve Irwin. But because some punk bitch ass stingray apparently had a grudge against Sir Irwin, we have to celebrate his birthday without him. And it is one of history’s greatest travesties that every government in the world doesn’t still have a team of experts dedicated to finding the piece of shit culprit. According to a quick google search, stingrays only live between 5 and 10 years, but I bet this son of bitch is still out there, swimming around and bragging to all his friends. Yeah, congratulations dude, you have a fucking spike on the end of your tail and you stabbed an innocent man with it. Real tough.

They say only the good die young, and if that’s the case, this evil motherfucker is probably immortal. He must be brought to justice, and if that means Australia using their entire army to do so then so be it. Hell I’m sure the US would lend them a few hundred thousand troops. And I bet finding this son of a bitch isn’t even that hard. If we dedicated like a million people to the search, all we’d have to do is conduct DNA testing on every stingray’s tail and we would find this mother fucker in like two months. Then we could torture him for like ten years, stab him a bazillion times with his own tail spike barb thing, then cook him up and serve him to the public, burry his remains in a cemetery far away from any other graves, and every year on Steve’s birthday the entire country of Australia could dance around this asshole’s headstone. Sounds like a pretty great way to celebrate his birthday. 

But again, first we actually need to locate this lower than life sea scum. So what the fuck are you doing Australia? You can’t tell me you have better things to do right now than find Steve’s cold killer. Hell he probably wasn’t even this serial stingray killer’s first or last victim. This bitch should be at the top of every ‘most wanted’ list in every country that borders an ocean. If things don’t change before Steve’s next birthday, I think the United Nations should seriously look into charging Australia’s Prime Minister with crimes against humanity. 

Well anyway, happy birthday Steve Irwin. 

Get Vaccinated You Fucking Morons

“Keep your needles away from my kids!”... I will fucking stab you lady. And not with a needle.

When it comes to ranking idiots on planet Earth, number one is unanimous. Needle fearing morons have a monopoly on the top spot and it’s not even close. Just look up pictures of these fucking bozos and their signs and tell me these aren’t the dumbest, brain dead idiots you’ve ever laid your eyes on. Seriously. If you’re an anti-vaxxer you shouldn’t be allowed to have offspring. It should literally be against the law, and I’m dead serious. If you’re an anti-vaxxer and decide to make another human being with the same moronic genes as you, you should be killed and fed to animals at the local zoo because the world doesn’t need any more of you morons walking around. And as for the kid? I don’t know, lock him up in an attic or something so that dimwit never sees the light of day. They’d probably be better off up there anyway. 

I wish insane asylums were still around because we could fill them up with all of you bat shit crazy dumb fucks. And listen up idiots… All your conspiracy theories… Give me one single god damn shred of proof that any of them are true. One shred of fucking proof please. Just one. Now I know, you idiots don’t deal in actual facts and statistics because that would just be crazy. Why need any proof of your theories? That’s no fun. It’s much easier just to believe that article your cunty friend posted on Facebook warning everyone not to vaccinate their kids because Karen got her kid vaccinated and now they have 3 eyes, 4 arms, and an extra asshole. So watch out everyone! Shit… Your kid could use another asshole to shit out all the bullshit you feed them. 

But anyways, just get vaccinated for fuck’s sake. Either stab yourself with a needle or stab yourself with a knife because if you’re that stupid, we don’t need you on this planet. The world is crowded enough as it is. And if you really think that the vaccine is some new way for the government to track us, I have news for you fools. They already do. It’s called the fucking phone you carry around in your pocket. And they SHOULD be tracking you. They should track all you anti-vaxxers because you’re terrorists. Terrorists against common sense. Every single one of you anti-vaxxers should be required to get a tattoo on your foreheads that reads “IDIOT” so us humans with normal functioning brains can cross the street when we see you coming. We don’t want to share the same sidewalk with you let alone breathe the same air. It’s probably contaminated and smells because I’m sure you morons are against using toothpaste too. Probably created by the government to do god knows what. 

And if you’re getting ready to furiously type out some idiotic comment about how wrong I am, save yourself the time. Instead, take those same fingers, shove them up your ass, and then smell them. That’s what the bullshit you’re about to spew out smells like. 

“Trust in God not vaccines”... Yeah because we all know how well that’s worked throughout history. Fuck you. 

On This Date In 2010: Tiger Woods Apologizes For Doing What Every Average Joe Could Only Fantasize About

On February 19th 2010, Tiger Woods took to CNN to apologize for doing what every single regular guy on the face of the earth wishes they were rich and famous enough to do. You know it. I know it. Come on. Let’s stop pretending already. 

In 2010, Tiger Woods was arguably the most iconic athlete in the world. He had roughly half a billion dollars in the bank, and he was hot, both on and off the golf course. I mean come on. The dude could have slept with a hundred gorgeous girls a day if he wanted to. He could have hosted a Victoria Secret fashion show at his house every weekend and then sleep with every single model afterwards just for the hell of it. But he didn’t. He only slept with a total of 120 women throughout the course of his marriage to his then wife. That’s pretty damn impressive if you ask me. Christ most guys in his position would have 120 notches on their bed post within a week if they were even half as rich and famous. There isn’t an honest guy in the world who would tell you he’d remain faithful given Tiger’s circumstances. It’s literally impossible. 

It’s also impressive that Tiger was able to keep track of all the women he slept with. 120? Wouldn’t you just say, “Around 100?” Would it really make a difference at that point? What, one less wack to his Cadillac from his golf club swinging wife? And again, while 120 women sounds like a lot to the average guy, remember, the dude slept with like 0.000000001% of the women he could have. That’s some serious restraint. 

And if you’re his wife at the time, he is basically paying you a few hundred million dollars to cheat on you. I can think of a lot worse things than instantly becoming a multi-millionaire simply because your stupid ex husband couldn’t keep the golf club between his legs in his own bag. Not a bad trade off if you ask me. 

Tiger Woods has made twenty hole-in-ones over his professional career, but as for his love life, a hole in just one, simply won’t do. 

Ted Cruz… Not A Good Look, Literally

I could sit here and furiously type out a 10,000 word blog about Ted’s decision to flea to Mexico amid his state’s historic winter emergency, but I’m sure you’ve read plenty of articles perfectly painting that picture, so I’ll spare you from reading another. Let’s disregard that asinine, although unsurprising decision, and instead talk about Cruz’s wardrobe decisions. They are just... well, perfectly Ted. 

First of all, there is no way in hell his wife didn’t buy those jeans for him. Those are like the new, slightly more stylish dad jeans. I guess ‘Dad Jeans 2.0′ if you will. Unlike that shirt, the jeans actually fit his fat father physique pretty well. They do a good job of showing off his large lazy ass, while simultaneously hiding the tiny politician penis between his legs. So good choice, Mrs. Cruz. 

Next we have the shoes. I can’t quite make out the brand, but they look like some sort of trainer. Another good choice by the wife. Gives the illusion that this fat tub of shit has actually gotten exercise that didn’t involve walking through an airport or to the fridge over the last 20 years. And the shoes also match the gut hugging shirt, so he has that going for him. 

Now where this outfit falls apart is the upstairs. Let’s talk about that shirt. While it does match the shoes as I previously stated, it also matches the exact outline of that barrel he’s smuggling into Mexico. If I remember correctly, darker colors usually give a slimming affect as they draw attention away from whatever you’re trying to hide, whereas lighter colors draw attention to the area. Well folks, unfortunately for Mr. Cruz, a god damn black hole couldn’t hide his beer gut. They say everything is bigger in Texas, and in this case, they’re right. The largest Yeti cooler can hold 259 cans of beer according to their website, and this leaves me wondering how many cans of beer it took to make whatever he’s got going on under that shirt. I can only assume he spilled something (probably a beer) on whatever shirt his wife picked out and changed to this last minute because there’s no way she’d let him out of the house looking like that. 

And last but CERTAINLY not least, Jesus Christ Ted, that mask. If you’re going to flea the state you get paid to serve, at the very least find a different mask to wear you fucking moron. A Texas mask?!? Really??? Buy one from the airport with a Mexican flag on it and wear that around next time. Or better yet, choke on it and put us all out of our misery. You owe your state at least that much. 

Anyways, I know you’re not supposed to drink the water in Mexico, but shitting out a few dozen pounds thanks to terrible diarrhea wouldn’t be the worst thing for that dad bod.

On This Day In 1863: Two Short People Got Married For All To See

On This Day in 1863, Lavinia Warren married Charles Stratton… Eh, who married who? Well aren’t we stupid. Because this wasn’t just any ordinary ceremony solidifying the love of two no names for eternity, nah, this was a wedding in which over 10,000 people flocked to New York City just to attend, which in 1863 was no small feat. Lavinia Warren and Charles Stratton were as famous and rich as you could be in America in 1863, and they were far from ordinary.

So who the hell was this power couple of the 19th century? They were P.T. Barnum’s star performers in his world famous traveling circus. Back in a time where physical oddities and disabilities were thought to be “curiosities,” Lavinia and Charles cashed in on the country’s curiosity with anybody different from themselves. While small in stature, the duo combined for quite the large spectacle as they traveled across the country as part of Barnum’s circus, and in particular, his ‘freak shows’, politically correct, I know. The couple became so large in fact, that their marriage made the cover of Harper’s Weekly, was written about in The New York Times and Saturday Evening Post, and came with a $75 entrance fee for the 2,000 people lucky enough to attend the reception dinner. 75 bucks back then is roughly $1,550 today. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! That’s quite the price for such a “short” occasion. Wink wink. 

The couple lived happily married for two decades and continued to be the center piece for P.T. Barnum’s circus before Charles died unexpectedly from a stroke in 1883. Although long gone, the success of Lavinia Warren and Charles Stratton serves as a lesson to us all. Size doesn’t matter, especially when you can charge people the equivalent of $1,550 just to attend your fucking wedding reception. I mean seriously. That’s over three million dollars in today’s money. THREE MILLION. 

Talk about having a Napoleon complex. 

Your Birthday Isn’t Special And Neither Are You

Last Friday was my birthday, and every year it rolls around, and every year I hate it more. I just don’t like my birthday. I don’t like the attention, and I’m 28 so getting older hasn’t been fun for years now. 

This had me thinking... About the people on the other end of the spectrum. Not the normal people who celebrate their birthday for a day or maybe for a weekend, no I’m talking about the other people, the one or two weirdos in every friend group who don’t just celebrate for a day or two, no, they have to celebrate for an entire week. You know any of these clowns? I think they tend to be of the female variety but that’s just my personal experience. They come in all shapes and sizes, all hair colors, styles, walks of life, and they live in every town in the world. They’re all so different, yet all the same, because they all have one thing in common, one MAJOR, thing in common. And that’s the need for unwavering, undying, and undivided attention. These birthday bitches mope around for fifty one weeks a year, obsessed with the idea that once again, come birthday week, they can demand the world from anyone and everyone “lucky” enough to cross their path. For fifty one weeks a year, these pathetic scavengers have to scour every nook and cranny of life for every last crumb of attention they can find, but come birthday week… Those crumbs become one enormous, ego fattening, birthday cunt cake.

These fools need everything to be absolutely perfect for the entirety of their week, and God forbid a single day doesn’t go exactly as planned. You know what I’m talking about. The week consists of constant announcements and reminders that it’s their special time. There are birthday brunches, birthday lunches, birthday dinners, birthday parties, birthday trips, and birthday cake. There are birthday songs, birthday posts on Facebook, birthday posts on Instagram, birthday posts on Twitter, birthday posts on Snapchat, birthday texts, birthday calls, birthday balloons, birthday sashes, birthday presents… You get the point. 

And I mean seriously, what’s up with those gold birthday balloons and the stupid sashes? Why don’t you use those to celebrate when you actually accomplish something? Because I’m sorry but living for another year isn’t an accomplishment, it just means you annoyed everyone around you for another 365 days. Congratulations. 

“IT’S MY BIIIIIRRRRRRTTTTTTHHHHHDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

We know, Becky. We just don’t care. 

P.S. No mean comments. It was my birthday last week.