How Do You Put This On?!?!?

Seriously, though. How do you? And how does she tie that?!? Is that like some pre-tied shirt that’s made to look like that? Or did Lo forget to pack shirts and that’s just a hotel towel? I don’t know but I need answers. Is there like some new, hip, mummy fashion trend I’m not aware of? And look at the buttons on those jeans. Those pants look like something you would find for 90% off because the machine broke midway through making them and now they don’t button up properly. 

Regardless, Lo is and always will be my girl. She was the best personality on The Hills by a mile (Lauren left so she doesn’t count) and she was easily the hottest in my humble opinion. She could wear a dirty bed sheet (or a scarf/towel looking thing) and she’d still be better looking than 99.999999999% of the human race. So I don’t know what the hell that thing is or how many years of working on boats it would take to learn how to properly tie a knot like that, but she’s Lo Bosworth, so it doesn’t matter. 

But guys, seriously, how do you tie that...

The Deadliest Pandemic You’ve Never Heard Of

As deaths from the coronavirus continue to soar, we are constantly reminded of pandemics from the past, both as a warning and, well… because they’re fascinating. You had the black death aka the bubonic plague which ravaged Europe, Africa, and Asia for 8 years in the 1300’s with a death toll believed to be as high as 200 million people, or approximately half of the world’s population. Yes… HALF. There was the flu pandemic of 1918, which killed 20 to 50 million people in three years thanks to its 10 to 20 percent mortality rate among healthy adults. Let’s see, there was the Asian flu in the 1950s that killed 2 million people throughout China and the United States. There’s the ongoing HIV/AIDS pandemic that has killed more than 36 million people across the world since it was first identified in the Democratic Republic of Congo in 1976. I could go on and on and on naming well known and well studied pandemics throughout human history. But there is one, much less talked about pandemic that separates itself from the rest. 

Like any deadly virus, it spread like wildfire, leaving millions dead in its path. The weak were instantly killed, while those strong enough to fend off the impending doom navigated through mazes of corpses on their way to safety. The panic and fear experienced by millions around the world was real, and it was everywhere. So why don’t you have a god damn clue of what I’m talking about? Why haven’t you learned about this deadly pandemic in school? Because it happened… 

In a video game. That’s right. In 2005, millions of players across the globe experienced a deadly pandemic, not in real life, but in the popular game World of Warcraft. “What the fuck?” is right. Now I’ve never played World of Warcraft, so trying to explain to you how a virtual pandemic spread through a video game would make about as much sense as some conspiracy theorist explaining how birds are a government entity used to spy on us. So here’s an excerpt from an article written by Mihai Andrei that explains just what the hell happened: 

“Hakkar the Soulflayer was introduced as a raid boss in World of Warcraft (WoW) on September 13, 2005. Hakkar was a Blood God, a sort of uber-vampire.

As any self-respecting raid boss, Hakkar was also hard to defeat. Max-level characters would party up, go through the gauntlet, and then challenge him. Without careful planning and powerful spells and items, they would almost certainly fail. But, as it always happens, strong parties would outpower him. As Hakkar would feel that he is starting to lose, he would use his last trump card: a strong lifesteal spell.

To combat this last-resort attack, players would intentionally poison themselves — then, as Hakkar would siphon their blood, he would essentially poison himself. Job done, the boss was defeated, parties took their loot and life carried on as normal on the WoW servers.

Until someone (Patient Zero) de-summoned his pet while the poison effect was still active. Without suspecting a thing, Patient Zero went about his business in the WoW world. But later on, when they re-summoned their pet, it was still infected with Hakkar’s plague — and it started spreading like wildfire.

Weaker characters were killed, resurrected, and then killed again after a few seconds. Entire cities were contaminated, and only strong characters could survive — and most abandoned towns entirely, leaving behind piles and piles of infected character corpses.

The corrupted blood effect was only meant to be active in Hakkar’s realm, but due to a coding bug, it was able to spread, making the World of Warcraft servers unexpectedly mirrored a real-life epidemic.”

Got all that? While a tad complicated if you’ve never played the game, a scenario like this one sounds eerily familiar to what we’re experiencing in current times. And not only are there similarities in how the virus both affected players and how it spread, but when the creators of World of Warcraft tried to prevent the virus from spreading further using methods such as telling players to quarantine, many reacted much as people have with the coronavirus, they simply refused. The whole debacle was surprisingly similar to any real life pandemic. So similar in fact, that many epidemiologists have actually studied the virtual outbreak in hopes of using their findings to create more accurate models of disease origins and how to control them. 

Blizzard Entertainment, the company behind World of Warcraft, eventually gave up and had to reset their servers. A simple fix to a very complicated problem. If only we had that option in real life. 

But we don’t. So mask up and get the vaccine when it becomes available to you. And for those of you who refuse to do either, I hope your miserable lives are added to the death toll sooner than later. 

Scientists Discover 24 Planets Better For Life Than Earth… So What’s The Catch?

Almost two million years is the catch. Because given our current technology, it would take roughly 1.7 million years to get anywhere near one of these planets. If you think the annual road trip with your annoying family is hard, just imagine how many of your sibling’s farts you’d consume on this vacation from hell.

So what exactly makes these planets so special? A study conducted by Washington State University describes “superhabitable” planets as those that are older, a little larger, slightly warmer, and possibly wetter than Earth. Uh, come again? Older? Larger? Warmer? AND… Wetter?!? Are we talking about the criteria for something I’d want to inhabit or all the elements needed to make good milf porn. I guess if you think about it, they’re one and the same. Any planet worthy of starring in its own x rated space fantasy is definitely good enough to live on.

I didn’t feel like reading the rest of the article, but I’m going to assume they didn’t offer up any ideas on how to reach these planets any quicker. So unfortunately, like any good milf porn, this too will remain a fantasy.

Shucks.

Which Fucking Super Bowl Are We On?

Dear NFL, 

Just tell us it’s Super Bowl 55. For fucks sake. Enough with the god damn tally mark shit we learned a billion years ago in grade school. The Roman empire dissolved in 1453, so I shouldn’t have to use google to tell me what Super Bowl it is in addition to looking up when the Roman Empire was dissolved. So anyways, quit using their shitty numbering system. 

Thanks, 

From literally everyone who isn’t a huge nerd

Championship Winning Teams: Stop Covering Up Your Awesome Jerseys With Crappy T-Shirts

As we await the next winner of the Super Bowl, there’s something we need to talk about. Something that’s been bothering me, and maybe only me, for years now. Why in the hell do championship teams cover up their jerseys with ugly t-shirts?!? Why??? What’s the point. We know you won. We just fucking watched you win. Why do you insist on, year after year, celebrating your hard earned victory in cheap t-shirts that look like they were designed by some stupid intern at 5 pm on a Friday when everyone else is already at happy hour. Honestly. You’ve worn your jerseys all season long. You’ve shed blood, sweat, and tears into the fibers of this battle attire, only to replace them with generic shirts the second the confetti starts falling. Why??? Celebrate in the shirt that was with you from the start, not some new garment that was made three days ago by some underpaid kid in a sweatshop. 

Now, I’m sure there’s pressure on the players to wear these ugly things. And who knows, maybe they even get some sort of bonus from the league. I don’t know. But regardless, they’re hideous and have no place in any championship celebration. So if the leagues absolutely insist on having players wear them, save it for the locker room celebration when everyone is shit faced and spilling beer, champaign, and God knows what other liquids on each other.

I might very well be the only one on earth who cares about this. But seriously, look at the Chiefs’ jerseys compared to those t-shirts and tell me I’m wrong.

Exactly. 

On This Day In 1964: The Most Overrated Music Group Of All Time Brings Their Shitty Music To America

“Groundbreaking, influential, and unique.” These words, among many others, are commonly used to describe the Beatles when talking about their music, style, and story of how they came to be. That’s just great. Who gives a fuck. 

If I was asked to describe the music this group of terrible haired hipsters put out, I’d use the same words too. Groundbreakingly bad. Influentially awful. And uniquely, just… ew. I mean come on. I don’t give a shit about their humble beginnings or how they ironically named their ‘groundreaking’ and ‘‘unique’ band after the most common fucking insect, their music sucks. Seriously. I can’t listen to more than two songs in a row without wishing someone would grant me John Lennon’s same fate. Just because their style of music was new and different doesn’t mean it was great, or even good for that matter. 

And that stupid Abbey Road album cover? Big fucking deal. They claim it only took their photographer Iain Macmillon six photos to get the perfect shot. Even if this were true, who gives a fuck. Congratulations on taking a photo of four dudes using a crosswalk correctly. The only lasting legacy that photo left behind was the fact that thousands of morons block traffic every year taking similar photos. Wow. Amazing. The only photos I’d find interesting were ones taken after a speeding driver decided to photobomb their photoshoot. Show me THAT album cover. 

The only other thing I'll talk about in relation to this terrible band and their horrible music, is their God awful fans. You have nothing better to do than await the arrival of four bozos with bowl cuts? And not only that, but you’re screaming and crying like a bunch of school girls in an 80’s slasher flick. The thousands of photos depicting these pathetic people painted the perfect picture of how crazy you had to be to like this band. 

To end this shit hole of a blog, on this day in history, the Beatles landed in America. They were something new and something unique. But groundbreaking and influential? Ha. Not a fucking chance. 

So any time you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain… from listening to their God awful music. 

Horny Basement Dwellers Ruin TikTok Silhouette Challenge

While this may look like something out of the Red Light District in Amsterdam, it’s far from it, and MUCH more important. This isn’t girls putting their bodies on display in hopes of finding that special someone who’ll shell out $500 for sex with a stranger... No, this is the latest and greatest viral TikTok challenge where girls, of all shapes and sizes, put their bodies on display as part of the body positivity movement. Using a simple red light filter on TikTok, users can now show their thigh gaps, skinny arms, and tight stomachs without showing too much of the goods, ya know, like their tiny outfits do in literally every other video they post. 

Now, do many of these girls make money from TikTok? Yes. Do they make money from TikTok because they just happen to post videos of themselves in bikinis so small there wouldn’t be enough material to wipe my ass with? Yes. So are they kind of like prostitutes in a way? Probably. But that’s not the point here. 

The point of this blog is that, as with any half assed movement on the internet, someone will find a way to ruin it. And in the case of the TikTok red light district/body positive virtual prostitutes... ruin they did. The second the red lights were in site, hundreds of horny, basement dwelling incels got off their lonely futons to post educational tutorials on YouTube on how to remove the red light filter, therefore exposing user’s bodies in, well, all their “glory”. Creepy? Very. Intrusive? Obviously. Illegal? I don’t know but it should be. Because as stupid and questionable as the majority of TikTok “challenges” and many of their users tend to be, no one deserves to have their body exposed against their will, ESPECIALLY by some weirdo losers who have never talked to an actual woman who doesn’t require batteries. 

So I don’t know if the FBI is still trying to find more idiots who stormed the capital, but they need to stop whatever they’re doing and lock up some of these mouth breathing scumbag fucks. Because if you’ve never touched an actual boob in real life, you shouldn’t be allowed to expose one on the internet. 

From The Revolutionary War To Sexting, The Camera Has Come A Long Way

Conrad Heyer was born in 1749, not only fought in the Revolutionary War, but crossed the Delaware River with George Washington in 1776 and lived long enough to tell the story for another 79 years. Yes. He died when he was 106. And it’s because of this last little detail, that Conrad Heyer also just happens to be the person with the earliest birth date EVER to be photographed. I mean come on, is this really the same person? If TIME Magazine was around for all of this, they wouldn’t have a ‘Person of the Year’ award, it would be simply the ‘Conrad Heyer’ award.

In addition to Heyer, there are several other soldiers from the Revolutionary War who lived long enough to have their pictures taken. And while there is obviously an infinite amount of old pictures out there, there’s just something about these in particular that I find fascinating. You’re looking at actual pictures, of real life people, who fought for our country’s independence almost 250 years ago. Idk that’s just bonkers to me.

What was once used to take pictures of people who fought side by side with someone like George Washington, can now be used to take a picture of your half chub so you can send it to some girl you’ll never bang.

The camera has come a long way. 

Greenland Sharks Are Really Fucking Old

Scientists believe that Greenland sharks can live to be 400 years old. Yes, 400. That wasn’t a typo. If you think this sounds like bullshit, do what I skeptically did and google this thing. Just look at a picture of one of these floating fossils and tell me that thing doesn’t look every bit of four centuries.

Greenland sharks are members of the ‘sleeper shark’ family, which is probably a good thing because when you’re older than most of the shipwrecks you swim by every day, those long afternoon naps I’m sure are a must. In addition to the ironic family they belong to, these living museums are found primarily in cold water environments like the Arctic Ocean and North Atlantic, thus proving that shivering your whole damn life is obviously the key to living longer than anyone would ever want to. I mean Jesus Christ! Four centuries, just imagine.

To put this into perspective, 244 years ago George Washington gave the United States its birth date when he led the rebels in victory over the British. And somewhere far away, there was a shark swimming around, who could have been old enough to be Washington’s great grandfather, with a life span so long that he’s still swimming around today. That’s a really old shark, folks.

Bored Security Guard Draws Eyes On Million Dollar Painting

Alexander Vasiliev, a security guard at an art gallery in Russia could face prison time after vandalizing a painting reportedly worth up to a million dollars. Prison time for vandalizing a painting?!? You’re probably wondering what he did to the artwork to deserve such punishment (unless you read the title). Did he set fire to the thing? Did he send it through a paper shredder? Rub his dick on it? Did he ok you get the point. But no, none of the above. He, well... simply finished it. 

This was apparently the poor sap’s first day on the job and look, we’ve all been there. The big first day. You’re nervous, you couldn’t sleep the night before, you probably have that anxiety diarrhea we all love, and the last thing you want to do is mess anything up. And not because you actually give two shits about some meaningless job you’re going to quit in a few months, but because you don’t feel like catching an ear beating by some miserable power tripping, micromanaging ass hat with coffee breath and the perfectly putrid combination of body odor and cheap cologne. First days suck, regardless of whether or not you draw eyes on a priceless painting. 

According to news reports, Vasiliev claimed he was told the artwork was done by teenagers and said teenagers even gave him a pen to draw eyes on the painting. Let’s pretend for a second that we believe this lying moron... Why on earth would you be hired as a security guard at a place that displayed artwork done by zit faced kids lacking fully developed brains. What are you guarding? Their virginities? Come on dude. We’ve all been there. You wanna make a good impression on your first day and thought finishing a priceless work of art was a good way to get the boss’s attention. Maybe the artist died of a heart attack right before they were about to add the facial features and you’re just helping them out. We’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re not just a dumbass who was fooled by some giggly girls. 

And I gotta say, that shitty painting does definitely look better with eyes.