The Secret To Finding The Best Barber Around

Why is finding a good barber so hard? Does anybody have a longtime barber they absolutely love? A classic, no frills barber. You sit in the chair, and they cut your hair. Nothing else. And it’s perfect every time. They’re not gonna ask to trim your eyebrows, or give you a neck rub, or clip your toenails or whatever the fuck some of these weirdos do nowadays. Hell they won’t even clean their clippers between cuts. But god damn if that isn’t the best haircut you’ve ever gotten. And every single time too. They’re not gonna ask how your grandma’s hip surgery went or put a hot towel on your neck and get all the itchy hair off after. But you won’t have to adjust your sideburns when you get home or go to another barber to fix whatever the hell they did to your hair. Sure there’s like thirty years of dandruff and zit juice on every tool they have, but maybe it helps get that fade just right. Who am I to judge? I guess the point of this blog is that it seems like finding a good reliable barber is getting harder and harder nowadays.

You ever been to sport clips? That fuckin nightmare. I have a friend who’s into that creepy shit. He’s always telling me… “You need to go to sport clips dude. It’s the best. They wash your hair, massage your head, give you a shoulder rub, flirt with you, you can watch tv…” Uh… do they cut your fucking hair? Or do I need to go down the street to a real barbers after? I’m not paying for someone to be my girlfriend for an hour. I just want a good haircut. And I’ll pay whatever. I don’t know if I’m in the minority as a man, but if I find a good barber, that mother fucker could charge me anything and I’ll pay it. A thousand dollars plus my first born? Sounds good!

So what’s the secret to finding a good barber? Look for a lasagna like layering of zit juice and dandruff on every tool in the shop. If that mother fucker is so focused on cutting your hair that he hasn’t thought to wash his tools in thirty years, you’re in business. So sit back, relax, and get ready to receive the best damn haircut you’ve ever gotten. Zit juice and dandruff included.  

Driver Passes Out Mid Arby’s Order After Going Toe To Toe With A Bottle Of Boone’s Farm

CHASKA, Minn. (FOX 9) - An "extremely drunk" driver passed out behind the wheel of his car in an Arby’s drive-thru after placing an order for curly fries, according to police in Chaska, Minnesota. Officers responded to the Arby’s drive-thru at about 1 p.m. Friday on a report on an unresponsive driver. The 43-year-old man was the only occupant of his vehicle. Another Arby’s patron was able to open the driver’s side door and put the vehicle into park. The man was physically unable to perform a field sobriety test, so officers took a blood sample through a search warrant. During this process, the man admitted to drinking Boone’s Farm wine earlier. "Becoming extremely drunk and then driving to get curly fries is an incredibly selfish decision," Chaska police posted to Facebook. Charges are pending.

Now obviously drinking and driving is no laughing matter. This moron deserves every legal issue and all the embarrassment hopefully coming his way. With that being said, who the hell hasn’t risked it all to get an order of god’s greasy little gifts, also known as french fries. Chowing down on an order of fries when you’re so blacked out you don’t know how you were able to acquire them in the first place, is a feeling of unparalleled bliss only matched by like three other things in life: The first time having sex without a condom (as a dude obviously), watching a train of people eat shit on the same patch of ice, and popping one of those zits that explodes with more force than an atom bomb, leaving its remnants all over the mirror. We’re talking extremely rare air here, so I get where this dude’s head was at.

However, given the fact that we live in America and this idiot clearly just wanted drunk food, I’m going to guess he was within walking distance of no less than a thousand fast food places, all of which I know for a fact serve french fries. So unless Arby’s curly fries were the only thing on this planet that Mr. Fancy Wine over here wanted, I suggest he weigh his options next time and save himself the embarrassment. I’ve never had a bottle of Napa Valley’s finest, but I’m guessing chasing it with an order of curly fries from Arby’s is amazing. As for passing out in the drive-thru as you wait for them? Probably not so much.

Lady Bashes Man’s Head In With Bowling Ball And Then Uses It To Bowl A Strike… Obviously

Montgomery Herald - A Biscoe woman, Brittany Cagle, 34, has blown up social media with a video of her hitting a man in the head with a bowling ball. In addition to going viral a video likely played a role in Cagle's arrest last week on charges of aggravated assault. 

The video shows arguing with Reginald Donte Brown at the bowling alley. Cagle has a bowling ball in her hand and as the arguing heats up she swings the bowling ball hitting Brown in the head. Brown immediately falls to the ground while another man yells in the background to throw a strike, which Cagle did. Ignoring the man on the ground, Cagle throws the ball for a strike and returns to her seat while the man remains on the ground. 

Well that’s one way to get back-to-back strikes. I couldn’t find anymore details on this video, so the reason behind bashing some dude’s face in with a six to twelve pound cement sphere will have to remain a mystery. However, using basic reasoning and my prior knowledge of why men and women typically get into felony grade arguments at the local lanes, I’m going to assume these two pleasant individuals are a couple, and the unlucky recipient of that skull crushing crack upside the cranium either ate the last of her nachos, or had his fingers in some holes that didn’t belong to her or the bowling ball that just gave him a lifetime supply of disability checks.

And obviously she bowled a bloody strike right after. Literally bloody, not the British kind. As if going viral for getting your head caved in on camera wasn’t bad enough, this guy has to live the rest of his life (albeit probably a pretty short one) knowing that his darling used his head juices to launch her successful bowling career. Because I’m no expert, but I’ve watched enough ESPN Classic to know a future hall of fame pin pulverizer when I see one, and the form on both of those throws was simply immaculate. I don’t know what was more impressive, the way she casually knocked HIM down, or the ten pins immediately after. Videos like this are why we waste endless hours scrolling on our phones. Every once in a while you really do find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

P.S. Before all you bowling hardos take an entire afternoon hunting and pecking on your keyboards to correct me… I’m aware that bowling balls aren’t made out of cement. I just like alliterations (words that repeat the same sound). There, saved ya another half hour. You’re welcome.

Next Lionel Messi Fakes And Bakes Like You Can’t Believe

Sweet soccer sugar and spice was that nasty. This hunchback baller of Notre Dame (or wherever the hell this is) laid it on those chumps like his momma laid on him when he was a baby. At least I’m assuming that’s how a human being gets crunched like some junkyard car being reduced to a miniature version of its old self. If grainy cellphone videos of pickup soccer games taking place in some jungle have taught us anything over the years, it’s that you never underestimate the dude who looks like he’d be the villain in an old Cartoon Network show. Really. Look at the way he shakes, fakes, and bakes that premiere league ready defender with nothing but a lean left, step right, then back to the left two step shimmy. Dude does more shakin n’ bakin than a housewife in the 1950s. And let’s not even talk about the goalie. The poor lad might as well have been a traffic cone standing in the way of this soccer god. Putting a shirt on is probably harder for this dude than scoring on that goalie, clearly.

Baby Strollers Recalled After Handing Out Free Finger Amputations

nytimes.com - More than 14,000 UPPAbaby brand strollers were recalled on Thursday after a child’s fingertip became caught in a brake and was amputated, according to a federal agency. The All-Terrain RIDGE Jogging Stroller rear disc brakes have openings that “can cause amputation or laceration if a non-occupant child’s fingertip gets caught in the openings while the stroller is in use,” the agency, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, said. People are encouraged to stop using the strollers and contact the company to receive free replacement brake discs. The serial number of the recalled product, which is on the right side of the stroller frame above the rear wheel, begins with 1401RDGUS. Only one incident has been reported, and the child was not in the stroller when it happened, the commission said.

Strollers. Every shitty parent's hail mary when it comes to controlling their cunty kid. Just strap em in, give them a sucker to hopefully choke on, and whisk the little brat away to the next public destination where they will inevitably annoy the living shit out of everyone around them. So what are these contraptions actually used for? Adding more pounds to America's next generation of already obese assholes? Running behind because the handle bar supports half your weight as you show everyone in the neighborhood that you’re better than they are? Carrying your thirty pack of shitty beer? While all correct guesses... It turns out that a stroller is best used when acting as a torture device for your troubled child.

Maybe this will teach kids not to put their fingers where they shouldn't be. And hell, you have ten fingers, is losing one or two really that big of a deal? Imagine all the things you can get out of doing by using the old "I only have nine fingers" excuse. Like… “Oh hey honey, can you help your son with his math homework?” Well, does it involve counting past nine? Or… “Oh hey honey, I’m volunteering at the food pantry tonight, can you watch our son?” Uhhh how the hell can I play peekaboo with nine fingers?!? I’ll be able to see through my hands. Duh. Or how about when it’s your week to volunteer as the crossing guard at your kid’s school and you forget that big dumb stop sign they make you hold? If I only had four fingers there’s no way in hell I’m giving someone the signal to stop. What if holding up five fingers means “STOP” and holding up four means “LAY ON THE GAS”? What then?!? It’s a safety issue at that point and unless parents are fine with their little dumplings getting plowed over, you’ll never have to freeze your ass off or sweat to death directing herds of children and impatient drivers through some crazy intersection for no pay. I guess what I’m getting at is having a few less digits probably comes with a few more benefits than you think.

And America is fat enough as it is, so scaring little children into walking on their own isn't a bad thing. We've all seen those kids that are way too big to be sitting in strollers. If I were their parents I'd get one of these bad boys, chop off a finger or two, and I guarantee your lazy snot machine will never want to ride in their kid cart again. You’re welcome.

Unemployed Husband Has Three Wives And Apparently A Very Big Dick

New York Post - A man who calls himself a “trophy husband” has revealed that not only does he have three wives, but he doesn’t work! Comparing his role in the polyamorous family to that on a chessboard, dad-of-two Nick Davis says he doesn’t have a job because “the king doesn’t move around much” while the queens have all the power. Meanwhile, his three wives – April, Danielle and Jennifer – all have full-time professions. Nick met his first wife, April, at university 15 years ago before they welcomed Jennifer into their marriage nine years later.

“It’s nice to have helping hands with my husband” 

While it might sound unusual, 38-year-old April says she is happy having extra women in the relationship to meet Nick’s “needs”.

“Nick’s a lot to handle. Let’s just say that… in a lot of ways. Nick is a lot to handle in the bed,” she told TLC’s Seeking Sister Wife program.

“Nick’s a lot to handle in general with his personality. It’s nice to be able to have helping hands.”

Trophy husband? Let’s talk about the trophy this winner of life clearly has between his legs. What the hell does this dude have that the rest of us fellas don’t? Landing ONE wife who brings home the bacon is impressive enough, but three?!? There’s something we’re missing here. Clearly. And save some for the rest of us, guy. Christ! Right now there are millions of dude’s moping around because today’s Sunday and they have to go to some shit job tomorrow that barely pays the bills, let alone can provide for their lazy, hussy wives. Meanwhile Mr. Giant Dick has a giant smile on his face as he’s currently kicking his feet up and chowing down on some delicious sandwich one of his wives made him knowing that he’s going to do the same exact thing tomorrow.

And talk about an all time quote from an all time legend… “the king doesn’t move around much” while the queens have all the power. Well sir, you TRULY are playing chess while the rest of us average Joes are struggling to play checkers. Teach us your ways. God damn.

Florida Man Assaults Wife With Christmas Tree After Being Asked To Help Make Dinner

Fox News - A Florida man allegedly threw a Christmas tree at his wife during an argument that was sparked when she asked him to help make dinner, authorities said.

Richard Atchison, 52, “lost his temper” in the couple’s Fruitland Park home Monday evening after his wife asked for help and put a spoon in the sink, accidentally splashing him with water, according to an arrest affidavit obtained by FOX 35 Orlando.

Atchison packed his things and went outside to his vehicle, before returning home because “he had been drinking” and told his wife to leave instead.

When the wife tried to go, deputies say Atchison shoved her, picked up a Christmas tree that was in the corner of the room and threw it at her, striking her. He then allegedly blocked the front door to prevent her from leaving.

Atchison was booked on domestic battery charges and taken to the Lake County Jail without incident.

Ok before we immediately judge this wonderful gentleman from the Sunshine State, we need to ask a couple hard hitting questions. Let’s get to the bottom of why he tried to use his wife as a human tree topper before we pass any judgement… Do we know how complicated this dinner was? Was it reheating pork chops or cooking a Thanksgiving feast? Did she ask him to cut up a tomato? Or chop up a 50 pound bushel of onions? What kind of help are we talking here? Don’t get me wrong, everyone should pitch in to help make dinner, I’m not a misogynistic barbarian. Hell I don’t even know how to spell misogonie. But I think it’s important that we know the level of help his wife was asking for here. Does the crime fit the cooking request?

Also, how big was this Christmas tree? This was in Florida after all. Again I’m not going to pass any judgment, but based off this story, that mugshot, and the fact that this took place in Florida, I’m gonna go ahead and assume this was a tree of the very small and plastic variety. Unless this dude is roided up pumping iron every day, I don’t think southern Santa Clause is just casually tossing trees across the room. Although I hear meth is one hell of a drug. Who knows. Anyways, there’s a lot they left out. And I don’t feel comfortable judging the character of a man whose flip flops I’ve never walked a sandy mile in.

P.S. In all seriousness, I hope he didn’t break any family heirloom ornaments. Talk about REALLY pissing off the wife.

Husband Refuses To Forgive Wife For Flatulence

DailyMail.com - A wife is at a loss for what to do after farting in front of her 'disgusted' husband nine years into the relationship.

The Australian woman, Emma*, said her husband Rob* refuses the forgive the 'disgusting and unladylike' offence despite friends insisting he is the one in the wrong.

Emma told Kidspot she had always known Rob hated women farting or burping, and for the duration of their nine year relationship she made a conscious effort never to do either in front of him.

She is still trying to live down the night she accidentally 'let one rip' as she was falling asleep after eating too much pizza.

'Farting is the most unladylike thing a woman can do, especially in front of her husband,' Rob said to her after the incident.

Her friends are outraged at Rob's behaviour and can't believe anyone could be so upset over a natural bodily function.

However, Emma said she is still feeling conflicted and although she knows farting is normal, she also respects how distasteful her husband finds it and doesn't want to disappoint him as he is 'wonderful' in every other way.

*Names have been changed

We’ve all been there. After a good first couple of months dating someone new, you’re now banging it out on the regular, you’re starting to feel comfortable with each other’s bodies, and now comes the ultimate test in making the new relationship and love for one another official. Farting. Yep. Let ‘er rip!!! Let those gas bubbles belt out that beautiful bodily love song. Because a heck of a lot more goes into professing your love for someone than simply saying those three words. Anyone with a working word box can claim to love somebody, that isn’t anything special. But feeling comfortable enough to release that greasy, shit food induced air that’s been held captive by your clenched asshole for the last several hours in front of the person you just let lick said area? That’s the real ‘I love you’.

As for the unfortunate case of Emma and Rob, or whatever their names are as they’ve been changed, probably like Edwin and Shirley. Dude definitely seems like an Edwin. Anyways… As for Emma/Shirley and Rob/Edwin I guess TRUE true love is hard to find. Emma/Shirley wants the ability to sneak out the occasional body buzzer without her husband thinking she’s a disgusting sorry excuse for a woman, and Rob/Edwin simply wants his wife to wait until he’s not around before she sends a few of her own clouds into the atmosphere. Barring any judgement on either party, I’d say this relationship has come to a rumbling end. And for Emma/Shirley, if letting one rip is the reason her marriage has been ripped apart, I say good. Grab a clean pair of underwear from that sacred drawer, hop in the shower, scrub that muffler out, and get back in the game. You’ll find true love. If farting in front of your partner doesn’t tug at their heart strings, it’s time to find a new instrument to play. Because tugging on that skin flute isn’t the only way to show your man just how much you love him.

Good luck Emma/Shirley.

Future Hero Uses Fake $100 Bill At 11 Year Old's Lemonade Stand

How does that saying go? When a man gives you a counterfeit $100 bill for your overpriced lemons, post the interaction on YouTube, let it go viral, and someone will surely start a GoFundMe for you that'll raise like six trillion times more than the initial goal. Or something like that.  

Well that's just what happened to 11 year-old lemonade stand owner/operator Jeremy Ryzhonkov earlier this summer when a man decided to use his freshly printed fake Benjamin to buy $20 worth of snacks and drinks, thus getting $80 back in real money from the young entrepreneur. The kind of funny yet VERY egregious act was caught on camera as the lemonade tycoon was apparently filming for his YouTube channel at the time. Very convenient...

And as these things typically do, the story went viral shortly after local police decided to take it public. A neighbor then started a GoFundMe for the poor sap which has already raised over $25,000 (hopefully in real bills). I guess it pays to be paid in fake money. 

So what's the moral of the story? Good always defeats evil? Nice guys finish first? GoFundMe is proof that people will always have money to blow on someone who experiences a slight inconvenience? Film yourself selling overpriced sugar water to people until some dirt bag pays you in monopoly money and you'll walk off into the sunset having won the karma lottery? I don't know what the moral of this story is but this kid is definitely benefiting from the scammers lack of having any. Heck, he should be sending this crappy criminal a thank you card with a real hundred included so the dude has something to go off of when printing the next batch. 

And as for that crappy criminal, at least he was smart enough to wear sunglasses when looking directly into the camera. That should delay his capture by at least a couple of hours. And cut the guy some slack. I can only imagine how hard it is to find a good place to burn a fake Benjamin. Anyone who has ever watched more than 15 minutes of any criminal show on TV knows counterfeit $100s are by far the hardest bills to not only accurately recreate, but also use. They aren't like those $1 or $5 bills that your grandma could make with a printer she bought 30 years ago. And hell, spending a fake $100 seems even harder than actually making the fucking things. Where would you rather try to spend one? A bank? Or some half assed lemonade stand run by a kid with one of those part mohawk, part whatever the hell you wanna call it haircuts. And you know anyone walking around with that hairdo has harmed at least a couple small mammals. We all know the prequel to a serial killer when we see one. 

I think the real moral of this story is always scam a soon to be serial killer whenever you can. Get their name out there. Get their fingerprints off of whatever shitty dixie cups they gave you their overpriced lemonade in. The police will thank you some day. 

Man Starts Forest Fire In Utah After Trying To Burn A Spider With His Lighter... Obviously

A man in Utah has been arrested on suspicion of reckless burning after he reportedly tried to burn a spider he saw while hiking in the foothills near Salt Lake City. Cory Martin told police that he was indeed the one responsible for the forest fire, but wasn't sure why he decided to try and burn the eight legged creature with his lighter. Luckily for the arachnid assassin, the fire burned less than one square mile and didn't destroy any homes. 

Ok let's get something straight here. Who the hell likes spiders? Is there anyone on this planet who doesn't squirm at the sight of one of these real life halloween decorations? I've never met you Cory Martin, but I don't have to hike a mile in your shoes to know I'd do the exact same thing. Hell, I'm going to start carrying a lighter with me on the trials! Burning a few calories AND some of Aragog's offspring seems like an awesome way to spend a summer Saturday (Aragog is a giant spider in Harry Potter for all you loser idiots who've never seen the movies or read the books). 

Getting out your trusty lighter and roasting a few eight legged freaks is more than worth the risk of burning a few thousand stupid trees to the ground. Plus my roommates and I had a bidet in our college apartment and I probably saved like 6,000 trees worth of toilet paper over the years, so I'm allowed to sacrifice a few if it means one less devil bug roaming around. There wasn't much more to the story besides the fact that police also found marijuana on the Green Goblin's new best friend. Big deal. Let the man smoke crack for all I care. He's doing God's work.

Anyway, I just hope they don't hit our boy Cory with some absurd punishment for a little forest fire. It burned for less than a square mile... Women in Utah use more than a square mile of cloth making a single dress for Christ's sake. 

P.S. I'm sure a lot of you are wondering both what a bidet is, and why the hell we had one in our apartment. Well a bidet is that drinking fountain looking thing in bathrooms that basically power washes your asshole, leaving it clean enough to eat off of. So instead of further mixing your poop and pubes together with handfuls of toilet paper, a bidet actually rinses the shit out off our dupa, leaving you with very little need for any toilet paper.