Baby Strollers Recalled After Handing Out Free Finger Amputations
nytimes.com - More than 14,000 UPPAbaby brand strollers were recalled on Thursday after a child’s fingertip became caught in a brake and was amputated, according to a federal agency. The All-Terrain RIDGE Jogging Stroller rear disc brakes have openings that “can cause amputation or laceration if a non-occupant child’s fingertip gets caught in the openings while the stroller is in use,” the agency, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, said. People are encouraged to stop using the strollers and contact the company to receive free replacement brake discs. The serial number of the recalled product, which is on the right side of the stroller frame above the rear wheel, begins with 1401RDGUS. Only one incident has been reported, and the child was not in the stroller when it happened, the commission said.
Strollers. Every shitty parent's hail mary when it comes to controlling their cunty kid. Just strap em in, give them a sucker to hopefully choke on, and whisk the little brat away to the next public destination where they will inevitably annoy the living shit out of everyone around them. So what are these contraptions actually used for? Adding more pounds to America's next generation of already obese assholes? Running behind because the handle bar supports half your weight as you show everyone in the neighborhood that you’re better than they are? Carrying your thirty pack of shitty beer? While all correct guesses... It turns out that a stroller is best used when acting as a torture device for your troubled child.
Maybe this will teach kids not to put their fingers where they shouldn't be. And hell, you have ten fingers, is losing one or two really that big of a deal? Imagine all the things you can get out of doing by using the old "I only have nine fingers" excuse. Like… “Oh hey honey, can you help your son with his math homework?” Well, does it involve counting past nine? Or… “Oh hey honey, I’m volunteering at the food pantry tonight, can you watch our son?” Uhhh how the hell can I play peekaboo with nine fingers?!? I’ll be able to see through my hands. Duh. Or how about when it’s your week to volunteer as the crossing guard at your kid’s school and you forget that big dumb stop sign they make you hold? If I only had four fingers there’s no way in hell I’m giving someone the signal to stop. What if holding up five fingers means “STOP” and holding up four means “LAY ON THE GAS”? What then?!? It’s a safety issue at that point and unless parents are fine with their little dumplings getting plowed over, you’ll never have to freeze your ass off or sweat to death directing herds of children and impatient drivers through some crazy intersection for no pay. I guess what I’m getting at is having a few less digits probably comes with a few more benefits than you think.
And America is fat enough as it is, so scaring little children into walking on their own isn't a bad thing. We've all seen those kids that are way too big to be sitting in strollers. If I were their parents I'd get one of these bad boys, chop off a finger or two, and I guarantee your lazy snot machine will never want to ride in their kid cart again. You’re welcome.