The Perfect Male Height
"How tall are you?" Ah yes. The age old question. The physical feat SO important that specific requirements for it grace the Tinder bios of seemingly every hot girl in America. Height. And when it comes to making your case for attractiveness, men... you better have it right.
Any guy who has ever swiped through Tinder knows the drill. You come across a profile of some gorgeous girl… She’s athletic, fashion forward, and seems to spend most of her weekends jet setting across the globe like some skipping stone playing tag with the continents. So you scroll through her pics, stopping briefly to stare at the one of her in a skimpy bikini before making your way to that ever so unoriginal bio that you've read a thousand times before.
After brief paragraphs mentioning how adventurous they are, their love of trying new foods, a warning about their sarcasm, and an FYI that they will never love you as much as they love their dog, you finally get to the bullet points. Oh god.
Sagittarius
Wine
Coffee
Brunch
Travel
Music
Fitness
Hiking
Laughing
Living
Adventures
Old Soul
Reading
Yoga
Family
Friends
Farmers Markets
Cute Dates
Independent
Hopeless Romantic
Honesty
Loyalty
Spring
Summer
Fall
Winter
Blah blah BLAH blah blah. And then comes the inevitable. That last bullet point they strategically place at the bottom of their match making grocery list. The "oh by the way". The last thing they want you to see before swiping left or right. Their requirement for height...
6'
Yep. You knew it was coming. But your heart sinks nonetheless. "Fuckin bullshit" you mumble to yourself as you ponder whether or not she would notice the difference between 6' and 5' 8". It just sucks. What's a little fella have to do to get a decent girl these days? Well I wish I had the answer for you circus attractions, but I on the other hand never have to worry about picking restaurants based on whether or not they have highchairs. I'm 6' 3". And if you're wondering how awesome life is up here, mind your own business. Knowing the view I have 24/7 would just depress you anyway.
So what is the perfect height? Well I'd say it's 6' 3", and not because I just happen to be a gentleman of that stature. 6' 3" is the perfect height because you're not short, yet you're not TOO tall. And you're not right on the edge of being 6 feet tall like those frauds who are 6' - 6' 1". A guy in this range dips below the 6' mark every time he steps in a pothole. Nobody wants to be that guy. I'd rather be 5' 10" - 5' 11" and the king of the kitty pool instead of struggling to stay afloat in the deep end. Being a tall 5 footer is like being a superstar in the minor leagues. Sure it's the minors, but you still get first pick of all the farm club jersey chasers and best seats on the coach bus.
In addition to not being short, at 6' 3" you're also not too tall which is important. Once you start getting into skyscraper range, that height starts to come with deformities that make you less desirable to women. You know those dudes, the slender man looking weirdos who are like 6' 10" - 6' 11" and wobble around like baby giraffes trying to walk for the first time. They usually have deformed faces with big bony noses and bulging foreheads, and they die when they're like 35 because their heart has already put in a full life's work. Once you get too tall, most women are either off the table or standing on one just to get their face in the same area code as yours.
So with that being said, without further ado I present to you the perfect male height...
6' 3"
Update your bios, ladies.
Child In Chucky Costume Scares The Living Shit Out Of Unsuspecting Idiot Neighbors
A neighborhood in Alabama is on high alert after several people spotted a life size Chucky doll roaming their streets earlier this week. The "Dennis the Menace" wannabe has apparently caused quite the ruckus, as people have taken to social media to tell their death defying stories of coming face to face with this skinny jean/overall wearing real life Chucky. Kendra Walden, the lady responsible for the photos of the mid summer trick or treater said at first she thought she was hallucinating. But "when we got closer to him we saw that it was real. It scared the heck out of us."
Wowww. What a harrowing tail from Kendra. I'm just glad she rounded up enough courage to snap photos of the terrifying little creature.
Ok in all seriousness, are people actually afraid of Chucky? And would you really be afraid of this two foot doll if you saw one walking around in public? It's a fucking doll! What's he gonna do? And don't say "Didn't you see the movies, man?!?" Yeah. I've seen the movies more times than I can count. I'm more afraid of the kid BEHIND the that stupid mask. I mean look at that scowl. For the love of God kid, put the mask back on.
Chucky movies just don't do it for me. HE IS A DOLL. Kick him in the head. Throw him in a wood shredder. Tie him to a tree and shoot him with a thousand bbs. Light him on fire. Make him suffer through one of your sister's stupid stuffed animal tea parties. There are a million things you could do to Chucky and he couldn't do a damn thing about it. If I saw some red headed doll in an ugly shirt and overalls roaming around my neighborhood, I'd simply run him over with my car and move on with my day. Problem solved.
Kid Tries To Cheat Chess Playing Robot And Immediately Gets Finger Snapped In Half
NBC News
A chess-playing robot fractured the finger of its 7-year-old opponent during a tournament in Moscow last week. The incident happened after the boy hurried the artificial intelligence-powered robot, the president of the Moscow Chess Federation told the Russian state news agency Tass. “The robot broke the child’s finger — this, of course, is bad,” Sergey Lazarev said.
Just another day in Russia. I mean we've known forever now that Russia is full of absolutely insane people, but I think a chess playing robot snapping the finger of a child like it's a damn Kit Kat bar is next level bat shit crazy, and don't get me wrong... Fucking hilarious too.
"Break me off a piece of that... child's finger". Not quite, Andy.
Hasn't this kid ever seen "I, Robot?" I'm sure there's a Russian version and I guarantee the robots are a thousand times more disobedient than the one Will Smith tried to slap. This is what happens when you try to outsmart a piece of Russian machinery made to beat you in a strategy game. The kid is lucky he still has nine other properly functioning fingers. Hell for all we know he's probably Brittney Griner's new roommate by now. And as if a chess playing robot breaking a kid's fucking finger wasn't already comedy gold, the quote given by the president of the Moscow Chess Federation is icing on this comedy cake and perfectly sums up this hilariously "only in Russia" news story.
"The robot broke the child's finger. This, of course, is bad."
Haha ya don't say. My god. Only in Russia.
Is Bad BO The Worst Smell Known To Man?
Yes. It is. We all know that person. Either a co worker, family member or friend, with body odor so repulsive we would rather go without breathing than inhale whatever the hell is responsible for that retched smell. Personally, I'd rather smell my dead grandmother's snatch than someone's BO all day. Too far? I take that back. I would rather smell BOTH of my dead grandmothers' snatches over someone's bad BO. Yep. And if you disagree, odds are you've never smelled truly BAD BO because you're probably the one with the assholes for armpits.
However, there's good news for us normal armpitted people. So before you get too grossed out and depressed about having to go in to work tomorrow and smell that familiarly awful set of pits, I have a solution (other than getting covid) to forever end this unjust assault on our nostrils. I've spent months, if not years (probably more like 10 minutes) coming up with a set of rules to solve the stinkiest scent once and for all.
They're simple:
People with bad BO should be forced to either...
A) Put on deodorant more often than I use chapstick (like every 6-10 minutes)
B) Get an armpit transplant (If this isn't yet a thing, well congratulations already understaffed medical field, I just created like six million new jobs so you're welcome)
C) Agree to work for the government as a human torture device because God knows we'll get the truth out of anyone after like five minutes of being exposed to that (I don't normally condone torture, but these monster's already torture innocent humans so why not have them torture more deserving folks)
OR
D) Be put on lifetime house arrest with the threat of a slow and painful death should they ever step foot in public again (Work from home? How about live from home)
That's it. Those are the options. Seems like a pretty fair deal to me. You smelly freaks are finally held accountable, and the rest of us can actually eat around you again without trying to mask your BO with our vomit. Win win.
And I get it, maybe it's not totally your fault you have body odor so obnoxiously horrible that everybody including your own mother hates you and wishes you would overdose on Febreze plugins. Maybe it's genetic or maybe it's your environment. But also... Maybe it just doesn't matter, because you're not the one who contemplates suicide every time you're within smelling distance of yourself. We are. The innocent, honest, hard working normal smelling people. You may not deserve your God given pit gas, but we DEFINITELY don't deserve to smell it. So I'm sorry but this is just the way it has to be.
Get it fixed. Thanks.
A Winnie-The-Pooh Horror Movie Is In Post Production And I Couldn't Be Hornier I Mean Happier
Sweet Jesus Joseph and Mary. In what seems like an article straight out of The Onion, we will soon be blessed with a Winnie-The-Pooh horror movie! The honey craving, pants hating childhood favorite recently hit public domain, and someone sent straight from the horror movie heavens has already made a first ballot HOF cult classic out of the opportunity. And how do I know it will be a cult classic? Just look at that fucking poster and these first images for Christ's sake. Not to mention, the film reportedly took all of ten days to shoot. If that doesn't scream instant classic, what does?
Writer and director, Rhys Waterfield hasn't revealed much about the film yet, but any true fan of a good slasher knows you don't need a captivating plot or big budget to enjoy a movie like this. Winnie and, by the looks of it, his equally evil sidekick Piglet are going to fuck some people up. What the hell more do you need? This movie looks like it has it all.
Hot girl in a hot tub... What do you wanna bet that wine bottle gets turned into a cork screw to remove hot girl's head from her body. Count me in.
Cheap yet oddly creepy masks you could find at any one of those seasonal halloween stores. Wouldn't have it any other way.
The classic stand off scene that takes place on some lightly traveled country road, in the dark no less. You betcha!
They even drive a BMW for crying out loud. "Where'd they get the money?" Who gives a shit that's german engineering. That thing probably runs over bodies like they're nothing more than Lincoln Logs.
And of course, no slasher worth its salt would be complete without a message written in some poor sap's blood. Perfect penmanship and the perfect character count for the number of window panes. It's glorious. Can this movie please just skip the five theaters it'll play in for a weekend and hit Shudder already?
Because it looks sweeter than honey.
Carnival Cruise Threesome Leading to Massive Brawl Is The Most Unsurprising News Ever
According to fellow passengers, an alleged threesome is the apparent culprit for a massive sixty person brawl aboard the Carnival cruise ship "Magic". Witnesses say a threesome between passengers had upset their significant others, resulting in an hour long skirmish that started on the fifth floor and made its way down to the first like some karma avalanche straight from the cruise ship gods. The chemistry between guests was so intense members of the coast guard had to step in and help put an end to the aftermath of this passionate love triangle on the high seas.
First of all, Of COURSE a cruise ship threesome led to a massive brawl that had to be broken up by the god damn coast guard. What the hell else is there to do on one of these floating prisons? After a week of shitty buffet food and watered down cocktails, fucking two complete strangers seems like the only logical decision. I'm pretty sure cheating is at the top of the to-do list for 99% of guests on cruise ships. No happy couple ever decides to spend a vacation stuck on a ship with 80,000 complete strangers. Booking a cruise is just another way of saying "let's take a break and fuck other people for a while before we inevitably break up".
The only question I have is who the rest of the people in the fight were. The threesome plus the scorned lovers would be six people. So who were the 44 other people involved in the melee? Were they just innocent bystanders jealous they weren't asked to participate? Were they other threesome teams fighting for prime threesome having territory? According to witnesses the fight started in the night club, which I have to imagine is some of the best minajatwa real estate one can claim on a cruise ship. You get your own personal DJ for god's sake. What more could you ask for?
Anyways, I'm just glad we finally have video proof of what goes on in international waters, aboard a ship named "Magic" no less.
Idiot Couple Buys Fake "Suncream” And Proceed To Get Their Asses Kicked By Mother Earth’s Sun
A couple recently took to the inner webs to warn fellow travelers about the dangers of buying fake “suncream” while on a trip to Thailand. Apparently the co-ed dumb and dumber tik tok tag team were enjoying their sun filled getaway until they bought what they thought was “suncream”, only to realize hours later that while it may have been white, something wasn’t quite right. So they did what any responsible retards would do and posted their horror story along with a video to social media, warning other idiots and hopefully getting a ton of sympathy for being left “blistered and burnt” in the process.
Ok first of all this is clearly their first rodeo with sunburns, because you could get a worse burn from tanning under a full moon. The dude’s maroon shorts are more red than that pansy ass “burn” they both took to social media to bitch about.
Second, who the fuck calls it “suncream”??? Maybe that’s your first problem here. Cream?!? Yeah you bought cream alright. Only it probably came from some dude’s std ridden penis. And that’s where the “blisters” came from because they sure as hell didn’t cum from that light shade of kinda red they called a burn.
How does that saying go? Young, dumb, and covered in cum?
P.S. Yes I know I used the word “retards”. I’m not referring to mentally challenged people though, their mom’s know the difference between real and fake sunSCREEN.
Drunk Man Calls Police Six Times To Complain That His Wife Won’t Cook For Him
O Naveen, a hard working 28 year old from India came home after a long week of hard labor Friday evening and simply wanted a home cooked meal. He even did his part, he went to the store, picked out the finest goat meat (or mutton as they call it in India) and hauled it home with the simple hope that his wife would cook them a delicious Friday evening dinner. She of course was honored with the lovely goat meat and happily prepared them dinner. Right? Wrongggggggg.
According to Naveen’s wife, who they didn’t name so I will just refer to her as “horrible devil lady”, Naveen came home once again drunk, as he apparently has a drinking problem she has long been fed up with. Horrible devil lady wasn’t having it this particle night and refused to cook for her providing, albeit drunkard of a husband. Faced with, or should I say... shit faced with the possibility of going hungry and the meat he worked so hard to pay for going to waste, Naveen would do what any logical, fed up husband would. He simply called the police six times.
Who wouldn’t? Instead of yelling at horrible devil lady or cheating on her, or murdering her, Naveen did the mature thing and called the police, hoping they would side with him and make horrible devil lady cook the god damn goat meat. Hell he probably would’ve even done the dishes! But no, apparently the police in India have never read the 1955 Good House Wife’s Guide on how wives should treat their husbands and it shows.
Well unfortunately for them, I have. And as you can see below, Rule NUMBER ONE CLEARLY STATES:
There you go India! Maybe take down some of those worthless wanted or missing child posters from your police station bulletin boards and put a few of these up so starving husbands aren’t at the mercy of their lazy wives anymore. Even worse than the them ignoring Naveen’s hungry pleas, was the fact that the next morning the police had the audacity to arrest this poor soul and leave him to rot in a cellar while his goat meat rotted at home, because we know horrible devil lady sure as hell wasn’t going to touch it.
Probably not the only meat she refuses to touch. But that’s a Good Wife’s Guide rule for another day.
Mom Who Gave Daughter World’s Longest Name Should Be Sentenced To Death
Forget the torture at Guantanamo Bay, or the unbelievable evil that Jewish people endured under Hitler’s reign, the most cruel form of punishment I’ve ever heard of came from a lunatic/1997 Oprah Winfrey guest named Sandra Williams. This ass hat decided to give her daughter the longest name in the history of human civilization. Why you may ask? Because she’s a complete scumbag, and of course the worst mom in the history of human civilization. Seriously? Look at this fucking name. Try and read it. I’ve tried like two and half times and didn’t get through the first 15 letters, let alone the next 60,000.
Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenkescianneshaimondrischlyndasaccarnaerenquellenendrasamecashaunettethalemeicoleshiwhalhinive'onchellecaundenesheaalausondrilynnejeanetrimyranaekuesaundrilynnezekeriakenvaunetradevonneyavondalatarneskcaevontaepreonkeinesceellaviavelzadawnefriendsettajessicannelesciajoyvaelloydietteyvettesparklenesceaundrieaquenttaekatilyaevea'shauwneoraliaevaekizzieshiyjuanewandalecciannereneitheliapreciousnesceverroneccaloveliatyronevekacarrionnehenriettaescecleonpatrarutheliacharsalynnmeokcamonaeloiesalynnecsiannemerciadellesciaustillaparissalondonveshadenequamonecaalexetiozetiaquaniaenglaundneshiafrancethosharomeshaunnehawaineakowethauandavernellchishankcarlinaaddoneillesciachristondrafawndrealaotrelleoctavionnemiariasarahtashabnequckagailenaxeteshiataharadaponsadeloriakoentescacraigneckadellanierstellavonnemyiatangoneshiadianacorvettinagodtawndrashirlenescekilokoneyasharrontannamyantoniaaquinettesequioadaurilessiaquatandamerceddiamaebellecescajamesauwnneltomecapolotyoajohnyaetheodoradilcyana.
The spelling looks like this psychotic woman held her fingers down on a keyboard for ten minutes at the hospital after the nurse asked for the poor kid’s name. Her daughter’s 1,019 letter first name is far and away a Guinness World record. And when asked why she settled on Rhoshandiatelly... (Ok I’m not copying and pasting it again), this devil lady said “I had to do something to break a Guinness World Record. I had to make sure that her name was going to be something unique.” If that isn’t the most selfish thing I’ve ever heard come out of a parent’s mouth... This lady shouldn’t be on talk shows, she should be sitting on death row in the express checkout lane. Operah should’ve had her on one of the twelve days of giving episodes to give this lunatic the biggest ass whooping in the history of human civilization.
And if you’re sick of reading “In the history of human civilization,” imagine being the teachers who had to read off Rhoshandi... yeah you get the point.
Shame on you, Sandra.
Brooklyn Had An 83 Year Old Serial Killer On The Loose With A Haircut As Heinous As The Crimes She Committed
According to the New York Post, Harvey Marcelin, who identifies as a transgender woman (and also apparently a serial killer) spent the majority of her life behind bars for killing two ex girlfriends, and is now the suspect in the murder of another woman after a search warrant turned up the victim’s head in Marcelin’s Cypress Hills home. The old bag of evil’s relationship troubles started back in the 60s when she murdered her first lover, and continued into the 80s when she was let out of prison and within the same year, killed another girlfriend.
Let’s unpack this. For starters, how the hell do you murder someone in the 1960s and not get away with it. I mean for God’s sake, most people thought “DNA” was some weird std back then. Police departments certainly weren’t using it to catch killers. I could murder like 83 people a year and never get caught. I’d be like Jack the Ripper on steroids, and this creep couldn’t get away with murdering ONE person.
Also, how did this weirdo have a better dating life than most of us?!? Not one, not two, but THREE different girlfriends in 83 years? WITH THAT HAIRCUT AND MAKEUP JOB?!? I couldn’t get a girlfriend if I owned a private jet and had a dick the same size, meanwhile this nut ball gets out of prison for the murder of their girlfriend, and within a year has some new hottie they’re immediately so bored with she too turns up dead. Talk about “ghosting”.
And why the hell is she being let out of prison every time? Is there some special treatment for transgender serial killers that I’m not familiar with? Were they forced to free her because they didn’t have a bathroom she felt comfortable using? People spend more time in prison for a few weed charges than this Joker look-a-like did for terrorizing the fine women of Gotham for the better part of a century.
Where the hell is batman when you need him? Or... them. See, I’m accepting too. Put your pitchforks down.
P.S. If you’re offended by the bathroom joke I made just know that I’m all for transgender rights. I was talking about transgender serial killers rights. Completely different debate.