Man Starts Forest Fire In Utah After Trying To Burn A Spider With His Lighter... Obviously
A man in Utah has been arrested on suspicion of reckless burning after he reportedly tried to burn a spider he saw while hiking in the foothills near Salt Lake City. Cory Martin told police that he was indeed the one responsible for the forest fire, but wasn't sure why he decided to try and burn the eight legged creature with his lighter. Luckily for the arachnid assassin, the fire burned less than one square mile and didn't destroy any homes.
Ok let's get something straight here. Who the hell likes spiders? Is there anyone on this planet who doesn't squirm at the sight of one of these real life halloween decorations? I've never met you Cory Martin, but I don't have to hike a mile in your shoes to know I'd do the exact same thing. Hell, I'm going to start carrying a lighter with me on the trials! Burning a few calories AND some of Aragog's offspring seems like an awesome way to spend a summer Saturday (Aragog is a giant spider in Harry Potter for all you loser idiots who've never seen the movies or read the books).
Getting out your trusty lighter and roasting a few eight legged freaks is more than worth the risk of burning a few thousand stupid trees to the ground. Plus my roommates and I had a bidet in our college apartment and I probably saved like 6,000 trees worth of toilet paper over the years, so I'm allowed to sacrifice a few if it means one less devil bug roaming around. There wasn't much more to the story besides the fact that police also found marijuana on the Green Goblin's new best friend. Big deal. Let the man smoke crack for all I care. He's doing God's work.
Anyway, I just hope they don't hit our boy Cory with some absurd punishment for a little forest fire. It burned for less than a square mile... Women in Utah use more than a square mile of cloth making a single dress for Christ's sake.
P.S. I'm sure a lot of you are wondering both what a bidet is, and why the hell we had one in our apartment. Well a bidet is that drinking fountain looking thing in bathrooms that basically power washes your asshole, leaving it clean enough to eat off of. So instead of further mixing your poop and pubes together with handfuls of toilet paper, a bidet actually rinses the shit out off our dupa, leaving you with very little need for any toilet paper.