Fortune Cookie Proves Useful For First Time In Recorded History
Fortune cookies. The pot of worthless, stale gold at the end of every greasy Chinese buffet line. The disappointing freebee you eat before falling into that MSG induced coma we’ve all experienced too many times to count. The graham crackers twisted little, less appealing cousin. The dessert any self respecting adult deserts at the table. The kinda vagina looking cookie wishbone you have to break in half just so you don’t eat fucking paper as you shovel it into your mouth, as if the 12,000 calories of cold fried rice and three week old imitation crab rangoon wasn’t enough for one meal. The... Ok you get the point. Fortune cookies suck. They do. That is until 60 year old Gabriel Fierro decided he would use the numbers from one to win 4 million dollars playing the lottery.
Why the hell didn’t I think of that? Has no one ever tried this before?!? Maybe we’ve been misjudging them all along.
I guess that old saying is correct... Never judge a cookie by the dirty piece of paper someone put in it.
Multi Millionaire Neil Young Set To Lose Hundreds Of Dollars After Heroically Removing Music From Spotify
Oh Neil, you silly goose. I feel bad for the person tasked with trying to explain “music streaming” to this fossil, let alone how much Spotify makes compared to the crumbs they give him after eating all the cookies he baked. If you wanna take your music off Spotify, take it off Spotify. Who gives a shit. Spotify sure doesn’t.
This sad sack of washed up leather knew how to buy drugs for the better part of a century, yet wouldn’t know how to download a podcast if his life depended on it. And that’s AFTER someone spent the length of a Joe Rogan episode explaining to him what a podcast is in the first place.
Perhaps I should back up for a second, if you’re not familiar with this story, to quickly (and probably terribly) summarize it for those of you without the ability to google, Neil Young threatened to take his music off Spotify if they didn’t start censoring some of the coronavirus vaccine related content Joe Rogan and his guests have talked about on his podcast. Basically Neil Young thinks Rogan is spreading misinformation about the vaccine and this misinformation could result in the deaths of potentially thousands, given Rogan’s insane popularity.
In all seriousness for a second, regardless of your opinion on the vaccine, if Neil Young really wants things to change, giving Spotify a childish ultimatum isn’t the way to do it. They couldn’t give less of a fuck about you Neil, they barely care about their most popular artists as it is. If you think Joe Rogan is spreading dangerous misinformation, then go on his podcast and have it out with him. Spark debate. Present your side of the story, tell us why you believe what you believe, show us the data that backs your opinions, and have a damn discussion with the man instead of going to “war” with his boss, a company by the way that eats people like you as an appetizer before breakfast.
As someone who is fully vaccinated and tends to lean left on most social and economical issues, I hate that we can never have conversations anymore. What happened to sitting down with someone and airing out our differences? I don’t know when we lost this ability as a country, but we need to get it back, and fast. Because shit hasn’t just hit the fan. It’s hit the fan, has been left there to dry, and now we all wreak of it. On both sides.
It’s ironic to me, that we’ve lost our ability to have civilized conversations in this country, and then so many of us wonder why a podcast hosted by the dude from fear factor is so popular in the first place. Well, when it comes to having civilized conversations with people both on the right and on the left, that dude from fear factor does it better than anyone else. And if you think otherwise, look at the top ranking podcasts. Look at the unbelievable list of guests he’s had on over the years, and compare that list to any other podcast. There’s a reason his stands alone, in first place.
But hey, at least Neil took a stand and moved his music to Amazon’s streaming platform. Ya know, that company run by a guy so rich he’s making a city dismantle their historic bridge just so his gigantic yacht and tiny dick can pass through.
Oh Neil, the hypocrisy, if you only knew.
Swan Delays London Underground Because It Felt Like It
You ever fuck with a swan? I bet you haven’t. How do I know this? Because everyone in the history of humanity who has ever messed with a swan, either isn’t with us anymore or no longer has eyes to read this blog. Swans are evil, vicious, flying demon birds with teeth sharper than any saw blade you could buy at your local hardware store.
So I wasn’t the least bit surprised when I came across the news that one of these assholes delayed the London Underground simply, well... Because he felt like it. According to multiple reports, trains were both delayed AND even cancelled, all because a single swan decided the middle of the tracks would be a good place to take a load off for an hour or so. Really?!? Cancellations and delays for over an hour. I bet a human lying on the tracks wouldn’t cause this much mayhem. If this was a black swan they probably would have just shot the thing and carried on with their day (Oh God why’d he have to go there?). Idk I’m out of things to say.
Anyway, swans really are assholes. Workers at the station claim the bird was disoriented and seemed too weak to actually fly away. But I call bullshit. This thing knew exactly what he was doing. He was stirring up shit just because he’s a punk ass swan. It’s what they do. Ever hear a swan hiss? Who the hell does that?
Assholes do.
Russia Now Has Actual Light Sabers
Guinness World Records has recently credited Russian YouTuber Alex Burkan with creating the world’s first real, retractable lightsaber. I wish I was joking. But the plasma blade measures over three feet in length and reaches temperatures of over 5,000 degrees Fahrenheit, which is apparently more than hot enough to cut through steel, or more likely the limbs of anyone who defies Russia’s friendly leader. In other words, yes nerds, we now have actual light sabers. Leave it to the Russians.
I know living in Russia must suck. Every video you see online that takes place in Russia is either a crazy, straight out of a movie street fight, or some kid climbing to the top of a skyscraper wearing nothing but a GoPro and a creepy grin on their face that all Russian dare devils seem to have. I don’t know if a combination of vodka and the weather is responsible for that country’s bat shit crazy mentality, but what else is there to do in a place that sees an average of 64 degrees Fahrenheit in the SUMMER for God’s sake. So I guess it shouldn’t come as a surprise that some skin head looking evil scientist/YouTuber created a real life fucking light saber. As if crazy Russians walking around with average BACs rivaling that of a HOF hitter wasn’t scary enough, instead of fighting with their fists and broken bottles, these SOBs will now be wielding hand held laser beams. Filming the next Star Wars movie should be a piece of cake. Just bring your cameras to Russia and wait until bar close for Christ’s sake.
And as if Russians with light sabers wasn’t horrifying enough, according to his interview with Guinness World Records, this maniac is now working on a real life Iron Man suit. Lord have mercy on our souls.
Thanks a lot, George.
French Physicists Put Entire World On Notice After Creating Bubbles That Are Hard To Pop
If you thought ‘Don’t Look Up’ was unnerving, just wait for its sequel... ‘Don’t Look at the Little Girl Blowing Bubbles In The Park’. That’s right. Who gives a shit about some astroid that’s been circling our planet for the last gazillion years. If that bitch still hasn’t fought us, it never will. No. What we should all be deathly afraid of are these French assholes blowing these new, damn near impossible to pop, bubbles.
According to various articles I skimmed through and don’t feel like crediting, evil French scientists at the University of Lille have figured out a way to make bubbles much stronger, so much so that one bubble in particular lasted 465 days before finally popping. That’s insane. Inflatable pools don’t last that long.
Now I know this probably doesn’t worry most of you, but it should. Because how in the hell does someone make a bubble that’s nearly impossible to pop?!? What are these things made out of? Snot? Are these French creeps going to playgrounds and kidnapping the kids with the runniest noses? Are they making these things out of condoms? How the hell are they doing this.
The physicists working on this top secret project claim “Glycerol” is the difference maker. Because of its stabilizing effects, they say “Glycerol” is able to blah blah blah yeah whatever. I call bullshit. The French are up to something. And I don’t think a bunch of weirdos running around blowing bubbles that could be used as floating wrecking balls is in our best interest. Give a bottle of this shit to the wrong kid and you’ve got the next school massacre on your hands.
Fuckin’ French.
On This Day In 1504: Michelangelo Unveils David’s Penis For All To See
Ok technically on this date in 1504, Michelangelo actually unveiled the ENTIRE statue of David, the made up dude who killed that made up giant in that one made up book. But let’s be honest with ourselves, this statue wouldn’t be nearly as popular if it wasn’t for the, speaking of giants, Goliath dong staring us all in the face. The statue stands 17 feet tall and weighs roughly 12,000 pounds, and I’m no math major, but I’m pretty sure that makes his penis the largest AND heaviest hunk of man meat to ever grace this planet. To put the size and weight of this rock hard penis into perspective, if an earthquake separated David’s junk from the rest of his body and it happened to fall on some horny female tourist, there would be a new art exhibit with yellow police tape around it.
Other than the shear size of his penis, this statue is pretty forgettable if you ask me. I’ve seen better looking men in amateur porn videos, and I didn’t have to travel to wherever the hell this thing is to see them either. Also, the dude has abs, BFD. I had abs for like 6 months in high school and I didn’t walk around naked like some perverted little creep. This statue shouldn’t be on display, it should be in prison.
And worst of all? Apparently it took Michelangelo THREE years to turn that hunk of stone into the world’s most famous bone. Shit, I could make that in like three hours. Ever hear of a 3D printer?
My Anus Almost Released Diarrhea In My Car Today
According to the Bureau of Reclamation (whatever the fuck that is), the base of the Hoover Dam holds back a maximum water pressure of 45,000 pounds per square foot. Now that sounds like a lot, right? You’re probably wondering how some concrete put in place almost a hundred years ago can possibly hold back that much liquid. Well I have news for you... That ain’t shit. Literally. Because the actual shit river my ass cheeks held back while driving today was so unbelievably insane, it makes the pressure of the Colorado River look like the stuttering trickle of piss your grandpa struggles to push out when he goes pee in the middle of the night. Anyway, this all started when I decided to be a responsible adult and get my car serviced after receiving an alert that my blind spot sensors weren’t working. That was my first mistake.
The second, and even bigger mistake I made was deciding to take a “shortcut” on various backroads to get to the appointment quicker. I guess I didn’t realize that woods people apparently don’t need to live even remotely close to gas stations, stores, restaurants, strip malls, bars, Walmart's, rest stops, or literally any other place that contains a god damn public toilet. Because as the slight urge to use the restroom turned into a raging war between my sewage system and the cracked manhole cover containing it, one thing became abundantly clear... This wasn’t going to be a situation of mind over matter for maybe two minutes before I reached the next Kwik Trip. No. As team Minutes continued to run up the score on team Toilet, I realized that I was in this for the long haul.
As if this all wasn’t bad enough, to make matters worse, I couldn’t look up the closest gas station because I didn’t have service, and I couldn’t drive faster because the driver of Target truck number 712 decided that today was the day they were going to take speed limit signs literally. They were going 55 in a 55, meanwhile whatever was in my ass was ready to break all the speed records going 0 to 60. The minutes dragged by, and the sweat raced down my forehead as the hot lava of shit sloshed back and forth in my stomach every time I shifted positions, which was all I could do to keep the brown tsunami at bay. I squirmed around for what seemed like two hours before I finally, at long last, reached a gas station.
And the rest is history.
Thanks for reading a blog about a total stranger almost shitting his pants.
It’s Way Too Fucking Early For This Shit Ft. Healthy Weight
It’s way too early to be talking about fat people, but I just downed two cups of coffee and have to shit like a super model who just ate taco bell for the first time, so let’s do this.
How often do you hear people say “I’m at my healthy weight”? Because I hear it quite often. And it’s never from people who look like they’re actually at their healthiest. You never hear it from people who actually maintain a healthy lifestyle. No. It’s always screamed the loudest from the ones who should probably just keep their mouths shut, and finish chewing whatever candy bar they’re currently chowing down on.
“I’m at my healthy weight.” “If my body wanted me to be skinnier I would be.” “I don’t need to lose weight, my body is just naturally bigger.” Blah blah blah.
Uhh... oh yeah? Your... “healthy weight”? I’m pretty sure huffing and puffing after two flights of stairs like you just ran a marathon isn’t a “healthy weight”. And I don’t think eating fast food and treating gas station snack isles like a fucking buffet line everyday is the recommended regime for keeping that “healthy weight”. But sure, let’s keep going with “asthma attacks” as the excuse for not getting those daily steps in. I bet the fifty pound fanny pack of fat you carry around 24/7 has nothing to do with it. If you’re too lazy to exercise and eat even semi-healthy everyday, fine. Live your life. But own it. Don’t make excuses for it. You’re not at your healthy weight. You’re just not. Believe it or not, it’s ok to eat healthy, exercise every day, and not be drenched in sweat because the mail man threw your newspaper twenty feet further away than he did yesterday. There is such a thing as a “healthy weight”, but that weight ain’t at the bottom of your daily large fry.
P.S. Yes I know, skinny people can be unhealthy too. It’s 4am and I needed someone to pick on. I’ll talk about the skinnies another time.
On This Day In 1781: The Greatest Planet Of All Time Is Discovered
On this date almost 250 years ago, the German-born English astronomer William Herschel discovered the single greatest planet in the entire universe. Which planet you ask? Well it should be blatantly obvious to anyone who has anything remotely resembling a brain. When Herschel discovered the planet in 1781 he gave it the name Georgium Sidius, meaning “Georgian Planet” in honor of King George the third of England. Georgium Sidius? What the fuck planet is that? Why is that the greatest planet of all time? Well, thanks to another astronomer, Johann Bode, the planet is now forever known as Uranus.
That’s right. The single greatest planet in the history of planets. If there was a Mount Rushmore of planets, Uranus would be all four. As I stated, William Herschel technically discovered the planet, but no one should give a rat’s ass about him because he wasn’t the one who made this planet so great, Johann Bode did. Georgium Sidius? Who gives a shit about some dead King. Uranus is a name that will forever live in the minds of anyone from immature middle schoolers to the most mature adults It’s like the number 69. It will always be funny, and that’s all thanks to the great Johann Bode. This man deserves a statue outside every school, a street in every town named after him, and an entire chapter dedicated to his life in every science textbook. Schools shouldn’t even bother teaching students how the planet was discovered or why he chose the name ‘Uranus’ because who cares, that’s boring. Just focus on the fact that it’s apparently a very gassy planet, and named URANUS. That’s it. That’s all that matters.
In 1986 the Voyager 2, an unmanned U.S. spacecraft, apparently visited Uranus and found some more moons and a few faint rings around it. Nothing too exciting. But that’s why we need to put 100% of our NASA budget to learning more about our most cherished little ball of gas. Who gives a shit about living on Mars with Elon Musk and his weirdo family, we need to know everything there is to know about Uranus. We should be exploring that sucker everyday for the next thousand years.
I mean come on. Who doesn’t like exploring Uranus?
The Michigan State Spartans Are Officially The Biggest Sellouts Of All Time
Michigan State has always been the pathetic little brother to the University of Michigan. They’re the school nobody wants to go to, but if you’re a moron from Michigan and can’t get into the campus in Anne Arbor, Michigan State is where you unfortunately land. The student body is uglier, the campus is uglier, and now... even their men’s basketball team is uglier. Because in the biggest sellout bitch move of all time, the Michigan State men’s basketball team is now officially named the ‘MSU Spartans Presented by Rocket Mortgage’. Yes. That is correct.
What an absolute joke of a program. The Michigan State Spartans presented by Rocket Mortgage will forever be known as the biggest sellout school of all time. They could win the national championship the next ten years in a row and that would still be overshadowed by the fact that they’re now named after a fucking mortgage company. And now they’ll forever be made fun of every time they play on the road. I can’t wait to see what jokes opposing student sections will come up with. And this also sets a new precedent. Are more schools going to follow suit? Half of me hopes Michigan State will be the only school ever to do this, but the other half of me kind of wants to see what other pathetic schools come up with in terms of sponsors. I can just see it now, some division two or three school with an adult entertainment store patch sewn on to all of their jerseys. The possibilities are truly endless.
So congratulations Michigan State, you have officially become the biggest joke in the history of college sports, the biggest sellouts in the history of college sports, and if you weren’t the butt of EVERY joke circling the Anne Arbor campus, you are now. Hope you’re proud.
And who are you kidding? We all know Sparty is way too stupid to learn how to fly a rocket.