My Anus Almost Released Diarrhea In My Car Today

According to the Bureau of Reclamation (whatever the fuck that is), the base of the Hoover Dam holds back a maximum water pressure of 45,000 pounds per square foot. Now that sounds like a lot, right? You’re probably wondering how some concrete put in place almost a hundred years ago can possibly hold back that much liquid. Well I have news for you... That ain’t shit. Literally. Because the actual shit river my ass cheeks held back while driving today was so unbelievably insane, it makes the pressure of the Colorado River look like the stuttering trickle of piss your grandpa struggles to push out when he goes pee in the middle of the night. Anyway, this all started when I decided to be a responsible adult and get my car serviced after receiving an alert that my blind spot sensors weren’t working. That was my first mistake. 

The second, and even bigger mistake I made was deciding to take a “shortcut” on various backroads to get to the appointment quicker. I guess I didn’t realize that woods people apparently don’t need to live even remotely close to gas stations, stores, restaurants, strip malls, bars, Walmart's, rest stops, or literally any other place that contains a god damn public toilet. Because as the slight urge to use the restroom turned into a raging war between my sewage system and the cracked manhole cover containing it, one thing became abundantly clear... This wasn’t going to be a situation of mind over matter for maybe two minutes before I reached the next Kwik Trip. No. As team Minutes continued to run up the score on team Toilet, I realized that I was in this for the long haul. 

As if this all wasn’t bad enough, to make matters worse, I couldn’t look up the closest gas station because I didn’t have service, and I couldn’t drive faster because the driver of Target truck number 712 decided that today was the day they were going to take speed limit signs literally. They were going 55 in a 55, meanwhile whatever was in my ass was ready to break all the speed records going 0 to 60. The minutes dragged by, and the sweat raced down my forehead as the hot lava of shit sloshed back and forth in my stomach every time I shifted positions, which was all I could do to keep the brown tsunami at bay. I squirmed around for what seemed like two hours before I finally, at long last, reached a gas station. 

And the rest is history. 

Thanks for reading a blog about a total stranger almost shitting his pants.