On This Day In 1504: Michelangelo Unveils David’s Penis For All To See

Ok technically on this date in 1504, Michelangelo actually unveiled the ENTIRE statue of David, the made up dude who killed that made up giant in that one made up book. But let’s be honest with ourselves, this statue wouldn’t be nearly as popular if it wasn’t for the, speaking of giants, Goliath dong staring us all in the face. The statue stands 17 feet tall and weighs roughly 12,000 pounds, and I’m no math major, but I’m pretty sure that makes his penis the largest AND heaviest hunk of man meat to ever grace this planet. To put the size and weight of this rock hard penis into perspective, if an earthquake separated David’s junk from the rest of his body and it happened to fall on some horny female tourist, there would be a new art exhibit with yellow police tape around it. 

Other than the shear size of his penis, this statue is pretty forgettable if you ask me. I’ve seen better looking men in amateur porn videos, and I didn’t have to travel to wherever the hell this thing is to see them either. Also, the dude has abs, BFD. I had abs for like 6 months in high school and I didn’t walk around naked like some perverted little creep. This statue shouldn’t be on display, it should be in prison. 

And worst of all? Apparently it took Michelangelo THREE years to turn that hunk of stone into the world’s most famous bone. Shit, I could make that in like three hours. Ever hear of a 3D printer?