Carnival Cruise Threesome Leading to Massive Brawl Is The Most Unsurprising News Ever

According to fellow passengers, an alleged threesome is the apparent culprit for a massive sixty person brawl aboard the Carnival cruise ship "Magic". Witnesses say a threesome between passengers had upset their significant others, resulting in an hour long skirmish that started on the fifth floor and made its way down to the first like some karma avalanche straight from the cruise ship gods. The chemistry between guests was so intense members of the coast guard had to step in and help put an end to the aftermath of this passionate love triangle on the high seas.

First of all, Of COURSE a cruise ship threesome led to a massive brawl that had to be broken up by the god damn coast guard. What the hell else is there to do on one of these floating prisons? After a week of shitty buffet food and watered down cocktails, fucking two complete strangers seems like the only logical decision. I'm pretty sure cheating is at the top of the to-do list for 99% of guests on cruise ships. No happy couple ever decides to spend a vacation stuck on a ship with 80,000 complete strangers. Booking a cruise is just another way of saying "let's take a break and fuck other people for a while before we inevitably break up". 

The only question I have is who the rest of the people in the fight were. The threesome plus the scorned lovers would be six people. So who were the 44 other people involved in the melee? Were they just innocent bystanders jealous they weren't asked to participate? Were they other threesome teams fighting for prime threesome having territory? According to witnesses the fight started in the night club, which I have to imagine is some of the best minajatwa real estate one can claim on a cruise ship. You get your own personal DJ for god's sake. What more could you ask for? 

Anyways, I'm just glad we finally have video proof of what goes on in international waters, aboard a ship named "Magic" no less.