The Salem Witch Trials Are Proof Of Why Women Should Never Eat Carbs

Before you get your broom handles in a knot, settle down. The title is obviously a joke. So please read the rest of the blog before casting some spell on me. Thanks.

Today is March 1st, and for most people in the United States with normal functioning brains, March means one of two things. We are one month closer to summer and March Madness is just around the corner. However, for the minority, for those select few weirdos out there, March means something else. It represents women’s history, and all the good and bad that comes with. Now after having celebrated Black History month in February, this makes for quite a boring month. That’s a joke. March isn’t boring. We have college basketball and melting snow. Wink wink.

Anyways, this month isn’t just about celebrating the many accomplished yet overshadowed women in history, or say, the less accomplished woman sitting next to you currently scrolling through her phone’s camera roll trying to make you pick which photo of the two of you from the weekend you like most so she can post it on Instagram as if you actually gave a rat’s ass. No, luckily for Women’s History month, March 1st brings with it the beginning of the Salem witch trials. Now don’t get me wrong, learning about how Helen Keller communicated with her fingers is quite fascinating, reading articles about Amelia Earhart running out of gas and being bad at directions like the rest of us sends tingles of excitement down my spine, and watching documentary after documentary on Susan B. Anthony and wondering how someone used glasses that small brings me greater joy than you could ever imagine...

Seriously. Look at those things. 

But much more interesting to me, anyway, is the lore surrounding the Massachusetts Bay Colony and all of the shenanigans that took place a little over 300 years ago. Because while we’ve always been told that the Salem Witch Trials were a result of things like church politics, feuding families, and just really old fashioned, simple minded people, a more recent theory has started to gain popularity and it is both fascinating and actually makes a lot of sense. 

In 1976, a researcher named Linnda Caporael presented the first evidence that the Salem witch trials were due in part to an outbreak of rye ergot. Now what the fuck is rye ergot? And why should we trust some lady who spells Linda with two ns (talk about evidence of being a witch). Well, rye ergot is actually a type of fungus that forms hallucinogenic drugs in bread which causes its victims to appear ‘bewitched’ when they’re actually just really stoned. Go figure. And what was the most common, readily available food back then? You guessed it. And not only that, but in a time when people had to eat just about anything to survive, a few black spots on their rye crop wasn’t enough for them to just throw it all away. They were going to eat the shit regardless, and deal witch the consequences later. 

Well, on March 1st of 1692, those consequences came. And over the next few months more than 150 women and some men from Salem Village and the surrounding areas were brought up on charges of satanic practices and dealt with accordingly (And if you’ve lived under a rock your entire life and don’t know how they killed witches google it). 

The whole thing is one of the more fascinating bits of our country’s short history thus far. And the fact that it could have all been caused by some moldy bread just adds to this already crazy sequence of events. The Salem witch trials has sparked generations of pointy hat wearing, broomstick carrying little lads and lasses come every Halloween, and has brought us iconic movies and shows. So thank you ladies of Salem, for your sad yet entertaining contribution to Women’s History month. It’s also a very fitting installment in the endless saga that is women’s oppression throughout history. 

But hey, that’s what you get for eating all those carbs.