Ladies Who Wear Birthday Sashes Into Adulthood… Let’s Talk
You see it all the time. At any bar, club, resort, theme park, restaurant. Anywhere. It doesn’t matter. You cannot physically go to a place with other people in the United States of America without seeing at least one person of the female spectrum past the age of nine wearing a birthday sash and I need answers. And before we get too far into this sarcastic shit box of a blog that I’m sure will be liked by literally no one… Let’s make sure we don’t mix the fine bachelorette party sash wearing ladies into this mess because you crazy boss bitches have your fun! The sash is your mother fucking thing anyway! You earned it. For starters you had to let a dude fuck you. Ew. And not only that but the same dude’s dick, forever? Uhhh no thank you. You ladies keep your sashes. Personally I’d hang myself with mine if that was my fate, but to each their own. Anyways, just wanted set the record straight on that. Bachelorette party leaders have full justification in wearing the coveted celebration sash. Keep doing yo thang ladies!
Ok back to you crazos. So why? Why is this a thing? I’ve never understood it and I have yet to get an answer that makes any sort of sense to me or anyone else with a logically functioning brain. Why wear a piece of cloth that says a variation of “today my exact age can be evenly divided by 365”? So everyone who sees it gets to guess in their heads how old they think you are? (Jk nobody cares even remotely close to that much so please don’t think they do) In case you or a someone else needs a belt? Or someone breaks their arm and thank god part of your wardrobe included a Civil War era sling? Is that it? You’ve always wanted to be in one of those battle reenactments as a nurse working on her birthday? No? Then why? Why else on earth would anybody go out of their way to wear a fucking sash around themselves like they were just crowned Miss America?
Because it’s fun? Ok. Now we’re getting somewhere. So what’s fun about it? Really. Let’s do some counseling here for those of you ladies that so obviously need it. What’s so fun about wearing a strap that isn’t connected to a bag around your shoulder all day and night like you participated in some costume contest as a half assed mummy? Is it fun to feel the material rub your skin raw? Or keep falling down so you and your friends have to constantly readjust it all night? The extra warmth from the material? What’s so fun about it? Seriously. I’m out of guesses. Oh wait… I think I know. No it couldn’t be… Surely adult women wouldn’t do it for this reason… No. Never.
ATTENTION!!! Yes! That’s it! Attention from total strangers because you’ve been around for another 365 days! Yay!!! Omg!!! Amazing!!! Everybody look at me!!! I came out of my mommy’s vagina on this day 27 years ago!!! And because of that every single person in the vicinity is going to not only know about it, they’re going to see about it, hear about it, and best of all, participate in SINGING to me about it! Yay!!! Isn’t this fun for everyone and not just me!!! Speaking of… Look at me!!! Everybody here! Anyone who can hear or see me! I want, need, and crave your attention! Please!!! Look over here!!! I’m a different number now!!!
All I’m saying is jesus christ ladies who do this, get it together.
P.S. I’m aware that other people do this type of shit too. But lucky for me I’m writing a blog, not reporting the news. Fair and balanced is their problem, not mine.