Reviewing Nature Valley’s Savory Sack Sweat Nut Crumb Bars… Or Whatever The Fuck They’re Called

Has anyone else tried a box of this bullshit? Emphasis on the shit part too. Well let me just describe to those of you with normal functioning brains that didn’t allow you to buy this crap in the first place, emphasis on crap, to the best of my picture painting ability, what a box of this so called “savory” smokey bbq chalk bars made from asshole dust tasted like…

Picture poop. Whatever size log you want. Preferably of the human variety. Milk chocolate brown with maybe some corn kernels and other various debris from last night’s summer cookout feast. Use your imagination. Now dry it in the sun for a century. Soak it in dark dehydrated piss, then season it with a mixture of Chinese cinnamon and the salt that accumulates from sweat on the underside of a pig’s nut sack, and you have the exact taste of this absolute ass trash. Emphasis on ass AND trash.

Ok here’s maybe a better reference and something more of us can probably relate to… When I was a child I would, on occasion, eat dog biscuits. Why? I honestly don’t know. They tasted like expired cardboard only drier. Like some weird graham crackers you would find deep in the dark depths of your grandma’s cavernous pantry that she forgot about forever ago from some trip to Italy they took in like 1972. Despite the taste and texture, and probably more weird guilt than anything, I still ate dog biscuits every now and again. Who the hell knows. Apparently they didn’t taste THAT bad.

These however? This is a true “one bite” review. That’s all I could do. They’re that bad. And if you don’t believe me you can always help yourself to a box or pallet of. The shelves seem to always be WELL stocked!

;)