Stop Coming Out With New Candy
I have a question. How in the sugary tufts of hell are they still coming out with new candy? How?! It’s sugar and food coloring. That’s it. How the fuck is every candy aisle that long? Really? I don’t think your average American could even walk the entire length of a candy aisle if they had to. Without at least a little break anyway. I mean seriously. What else is there to make? I think we finished candy. Maybe coming up with ways to make sugar taste even better than we already have isn’t what we need right now. I don’t know if you’ve seen the state of our country’s inhabitants lately, but most of us have the ‘sugar’ part of our basic necessities well covered.
No new candy. Enough. Especially when it’s just variations of old candy. Jolly ranchers but just two different flavors on each jolly rancher? Really? Like half is grape and half is cherry. Wow. As if there was no other possible way to ever eat both a grape and a cherry jolly rancher at the same time before they came out with these. Yeah you know what’s way better than ONE jolly rancher that’s two different flavors? Literally any combination of TWO jolly ranchers that you could possibly come up with. Way better. Doesn’t matter. Two watermelons? Yep. Instantly better.
And nobody wants the gummy version of their favorite candy. Not once have I ever contemplated buying gummy jolly ranchers. Ah yes. Let’s take a bag of a hard candy that lasts me weeks and make it a bag of gummies that won’t make it the entire care ride home. Making the gummy versions of classic candies would be like remaking classic mob movies but leaving out all the violence and sex scenes. Plus when you suck hard candies they turn into gummy candies after a while anyways. You’re getting a 2 for 1 deal on candy. Why the fuck would I want my hard candy pre sucked for the same price? I’ll suck my own jolly ranchers thank you very much.
And how many different shades of the same color can you make a fucking skittle? Are there still subsets of the population lurking out there that skittles still hasn’t properly targeted? I have to imagine most people have zeroed in on a bag they like by now. We all know the drill. You either like the red or purple bag. And then if they have the light blue or green bags, you have a favorite between those two for when you’re going alternates. We all have this down by now. So if you’re going to make me try a whole new bag of skittles for some mystery flavor you had the dimwit summer interns drum up, at least take a chance on it. Surprise me. Make it exciting. Like have one taste like Blake Lively’s asshole, or spicy pomegranate or something. I don’t know. But if I’m going to buy a whole new bag just for that white one you better make it something other than fucking pineapple. Got it?
All I’m trying to say is I think we’re probably good for a while on new candy. Maybe invent a new form of weight loss for the sphere shaped generation of kids we’ve been popping out without seemingly a care in the world. Ok?
Let’s maybe curb the candy for a while. That’s all.