Floss For Fuck’s Sake

You ever floss like an entire animal out from between your gums? And it reminds you of how fucking gross the people who never floss are? Because that’s immediately the first thing I think of. I might be alone here but my first reaction 100% of the time is “Ew wtf is hiding between THOSE teeth?” What kind of disgusting zoo for Animorphs do THOSE psychopaths have in their mouths? I eat a ham sandwich or god forbid a nice steak and I’m immediately using floss or anything similar to unwedge the carcasses from their hiding places.

Have I ever folded the label from my Burt’s Bees in half and used the edge to dislodge food from between my teeth? Perhaps. That’s the length I’ll go. No distance too far when it comes to keeping my mouth clean. From food debris anyway. And yes, flossing with a chapstick wrapper that I’m sure plays host to a wide variety of germs and bacteria isn’t maybe the most logical thing to do, but you dirty freaks who haven’t wrapped a piece of floss around your disgusting fingers since the towers were standing are some of the most heinous people on earth. So before passing judgement let’s maybe start using some of that free fishing line you’d get had you actually visited a dentist’s office since floss was invented.

All I’m saying is get it together. Floss. Use a water pick. Swish some mouthwash around. Grow your hair longer and use that. Something.

Dirty rotten freaks.