Return Your G*d Damn Mother Fucking Shopping Carts You Lazy Hoes
Did I use the * correctly? Don’t want to offend anyone.
Moving on. As someone who grew up in Wisconsin you don’t often experience parking lots with more discarded shopping carts filling up parking spots than the actual cars they were intended for. Not the case here in Florida however. I don’t know what it is with the fine folk of the sunshine state but taking the extra 12 seconds to drop your cart off at the designated cart spot isn’t something these brain fried sun drunk lazy pieces of sandy shit are apparently capable of doing, and for a plethora of good reasons and excuses I’m sure.
And look, I get it. Returning your cart takes brain cells and the ability to walk more than ten feet without huffing and puffing like you’re trying to blow my house down. But maybe if you big fat I mean bad wolves put the vapes down and picked up a good sleep routine, moving your legs a few more times than the bare minimum wouldn’t be such a burden. Either way it’s disgusting. It really is. So without further ado here are the ten most common types of cart c*nts I’ve observed since moving to Florida:
(In no particular order)
Let’s get these absolute assholes out of the way first: There is a special place in hell for the people who leave their cart directly behind other peoples’ cars. I once witnessed a lady in Fort Lauderdale leave her shopping cart behind my very own car in the parking lot of a Publix and there hasn’t been a week that’s gone by that I don’t think about how bad I wanted her drive home to be. I turned into a witch with a voodoo doll level evil with what I wanted to happen to that god damn sorry excuse of a woman or whatever that horrible hoe was. Like to this day I hope her car exploded on the freeway, but after it already flew off the bridge and was away from anyone else or anything that her exploding car could damage. And before you tell me to calm down or that I’ve gone too far… You witness someone parking their cart directly behind your car and then driving off in their shit box base level Romeo like they’re in some exotic supercar without wanting terrible things to happen to them and THEN you can tell me to calm down. Got it? Good.
The people who leave their carts right next to the fucking cart corals. Would you run a marathon and just stop two feet from the finish line? Now I know you’re probably not aware of what a marathon is, or exercise for that matter. But finishing the job is usually a pretty important part. You’re almost there! We’re all rooting for you!
The morons who use far more effort heaving their cart into the wilderness next to the parking lot than pushing it 20 more feet to its proper destination. Seriously how much pulling power and effort does it take to get a metal shopping cart to some of the places people do? You see them on those steep, pretty tall embankments. You see them up on curbs, dragged through wood chips and left in between bushes and trees like some animal carcass left for the rest of mother nature to use.
The dimwits who leave their carts in the spaces meant for the other four wheeled, much larger carts that are meant for transporting groceries and the people who bought them. But you’re close! Right idea. Just too fucking dumb to stick the landing apparently.
The special people who leave their carts in the legit intersections meant for again, the other much larger four wheeled carts. People have enough trouble figuring out who goes next in those things as it is. I mean how many times do we need to honk and wave and signal and… Just fucking follow the signs and go! Anyway, you can’t throw a shopping cart into the mix with these morons. Come on people.
The people who drop their carts off at the designated trash heap in every far right corner of any Walmart in America because why not. Other lazy assholes did and I’m showing solidarity. I get it.
The dumb shits who try to hand off their cart to the cart train conductor like they don’t already have 120 of them to heard back. You’re so helpful. I’m sure they love having to stop and restart that much momentum in the middle of the lawless demolition derby that is any Florida parking lot. Just walk your lazy ass over to any one of the very close cart corals or whatever the fuck you want to call them and put your cart in there. It really isn’t that difficult. I promise you. I once saw a dude with like .35 legs do it. And you can too.
The people who have no problem using their cart as a battering ram while in the store, yet can’t be bothered to ram it into the stack in the cart coral. You rammed it up my ass in the store without a care in the world, but another shopping cart’s back door is a no go? Got it.
And lastly but certainly not least… The ass hats who put their carts in the cart corals, but in the most obviously wrong way humanly possible. In fact, in ways I didn’t know a human was even possible of coming up with in the first place. How do you parallel park a cart in there? Impressive.
Honorable mentions:
The people who leave their carts in the middle of a store with all of the shit they never bought in them. And it’s never like three items. Of course not. That wouldn’t be rude enough to the teenage store employee who now gets to put away the 73 things you threw in a cart. Although a rare sight and always a mystery, you do see it.
People who put trash on shelves because they can’t be bothered to throw it away or hold onto it until they get to a garbage can. You bought the fucking coffee. Do not leave it on a shelf for christ’s sake. And yes they are always empty. These shit heads are always the cheapest of skates. They would never leave a half drank coffee behind. It’s completely on purpose.