Obvious News Flash: Practicing Irish Goodbyes At Parties Saves You Two Days A Year In Time
Gee you mean sparing those fake goodbyes with people you try to avoid, let alone wanna spend two hours catching up with at some party will save me a shit load of time every year? Oh my god really?!? You probably needed to dedicate a ton of time and money to figure out what any person with a normal functioning brain already knows. That’s why smart people practice Irish goodbyes in the first fucking place. Nonetheless, researchers at the UNSW Time Management Institute asked 2,000 Australians how many parties they went to a year, and then roughly how long they thought it took them to actually leave a party once they decided it was time to go. They concluded that Australians went to roughly 25 parties a year, and actually leaving a party once people determined they wanted to, took about 45 minutes. The geniuses therefore concluded that leaving parties without saying goodbye would save people roughly two days a year in time. Ok I have some questions…
First of all, who are these insane party animals you’re questioning? Is all of Australia just one big hoorah at any given moment? 25 parties every year?!? Jesus Christ. Was this poll taken at a college? Also, as someone from the midwest, a place known for their drawn out goodbyes and friendliness so extreme it borders on intrusive and creepy, 45 minutes to say goodbye?!?!? Are you sure this wasn’t seconds?! Maybe if this was a bunch of old women getting together for their weekly knitting and gossip club, but not anyone below the age of 185, that I know at least. “Alright everyone this party is getting lame and I’m sick of hearing your voices so I’m outta hear. Adios.” Problem solved. How hard was that? You’re welcome. And I get it… It’s obviously easier said than done to just leave a party without telling anyone, but it’s the only logical thing to do if you think about. Because you’ll see your family or friends again so you don’t have to worry about talking to them before you go. And you already talked to the annoying people you never wanna see again, much less say goodbye to for another 45 fucking minutes. It’s really the only logical thing to do if you think about it.
The Irish Goodbye is humanities single greatest invention. Try it some time. Because I promise you. Quietly darting out of a party, only to get a few texts on the way home as people slowly realize you left is one of the best feelings you’ll ever have. “Where’d you go dude?!” “Did you leave already?! I didn’t get to say goodbye!!!”
I know. Let’s keep it that way.
Besides I don’t like goodbyes. I’m more of a “see ya later” type of guy.