Dentist’s Aren’t Devils, You’re Just Disgusting
Going to the dentist… It’s something we should all do, a lot of us probably don’t do enough of, and most people absolutely hate. Seemingly everyone you know has a horror story. From having a dentist with the worst breath you could ever imagine, to the time they went in for a routine checkup and came out with less teeth than they started with, the stories are endless. However, for the few and far between, for those of us with those perfectly straight pearly whites, it’s something we actually look forward to. So why is going to the dentist such a pain in the mouth for most people? Why do so many of us treat visiting that building once or twice a year like we’re being shipped off to some horrid concentration camp, never to be seen by any of our loved ones again. What’s so scary about it?
Because this may come as quite the shock to most of you, but if you’re like me and have near perfect teeth, practice the best brushing, flawless flossing, and actually take pride in keeping those 32 rectangles in pristine condition, believe it or not… going to the dentist twice a year is something you can actually enjoy. It’s like going to a car show and having the hottest convertible. From the second you walk through those doors you’re a celebrity. An A-lister. The man about town. The hygienists can’t get enough of em, the dentist walks around aroused the entire time, hell even the people at the reception desk can’t keep their jealous jaws from hitting the floor. It’s quite the sight to see. And it’s a feeling reserved for the best of the best in oral hygiene. For the few of us lucky enough to have that car everybody takes turns gawking at, life is pretty easy, and going to the dentist is our thirty minutes of fame. And I know what you’re thinking… “thirty minutes?!? How the hell are you in and out of a dentist’s chair in thirty minutes?!? There’s no way.” Well average person who practices subpar brushing and lies through their nasty teeth when the dentist asks how often you floss… Try actually picking up a piece of that weird minty string every once in a while. Maybe use that miniature comb looking thing AFTER you down that nightly bag of M&Ms. Here’s a fun little hint… It’s actually 100% legal for you to brush MORE than twice a day. Holy shit is right. Believe it or not brushing in the bathroom at work gets less weird once everyone knows you do it. And if you don’t think a clean mouth at work won’t get you a couple of make out sessions in that back office/storage room nobody uses, you’d be correct. But at least your breath won’t smell like those nasty leftovers you stunk up everyone’s lunch hour with. Just brush your fucking teeth and maybe floss every once in a while. It really isn’t that hard. Or don’t, and be a disgusting slob of shit that nobody wants to talk to because you have various stages of rotting meat stored between your disgusting teeth. I don’t care, more fame for me. However if you’re serious about getting those chompers into the best shape of their miserable lives, here are ten things any moron can do to ensure their next visit to that scary office isn’t so bad:
For the love of God and everything holy in this unholy world of ours… Replace your fucking toothbrush! I’ll make it simple for you monsters… If the head of your toothbrush is messier than your hair after a night of sloppy college sex with someone you’ll hopefully never see again, like that soaked bedsheet, it’s time to replace it. And for all you virgins out there… If your grandparents replace the broom they use to sweep the garage more often than you replace your toothbrush, it’s time to get a new one.
Actually use your Goddamn toothbrush. And don’t take its name literally, believe it or not you can brush ALL of your teeth every time you stick that bad boy in your mouth. Visit the whole neighborhood with that thing, not just the neighbors next door. In order to follow step #1, you’ll have to actually put that thing to good use. Hell if you’re not going to use it on your nasty teeth, scrub the toilet with it. Do something.
That container of fishing line looking stuff you threw in the drawer when you moved in shouldn’t last your entire life. They sell three packs for a reason. And everyone who regularly flosses knows to get the three pack because getting just one never ends well. Because one of them is inevitably going to have a shitty cutter that gets gunked up almost instantly, leaving you to pull line out and cut it with your teeth like some seasoned fisherman on one of those Discovery Channel shows. The floss in the second container you try will eventually break off, leaving half the spool staring back at you from behind its little plastic window. And the third one will work like a charm, from the first mile of twine to the last. The third one is always the charm. That’s what those three packs are meant for. Run that shit between your teeth at least once a day and the next time you go to the dentist, surprisingly, your gums won’t bleed like your grandma when she’s on blood thinners.
Mouthwash isn’t just for your alcoholic grandpa’s driver’s side door. I’m sure you all know at least one coworker with putrid breath, and I hate to tell ya but if you’re not flossing, they’re not the only ones people wanna put a bullet in their heads instead of talking to at 8 in the morning. There are many different types of mouthwash at every one of the grocery stores you go to, a good first step would be buying literally any of them. Take that puppy home, open it up like it’s some fine whiskey your dumb friends convinced you to break the bank buying, take a big swig, swish it around for more than the two seconds most of you do, and you’ll be amazed at how excited other people suddenly are to talk to you.
Chew gum. I don’t care what your retarded health teacher told you in sixth grade. Chew gum. “Did you know that chewing gum for more than 16 seconds at a time can actually cause micro fractures in your teeth?” Yeah and did you know that no one in the history of civilization has ever once needed dental work because they chewed too much gum? How do I know this? Because I have a fucking brain. Because I’m sorry to tell you but if you think your teeth can rip through steak and pretzels every day but not some chewy rubber you’re fucking insane. People had to come up with any excuse for why you shouldn’t chew gum back in the day because it was full of sugar. Sugar free gum solved that problem years ago. Chew it.
Soda isn’t water. And neither is gatorade. If you need more of an explanation, just take a pair of pliers and pull them all out.
If you wake up with a sore jaw every morning, get a mouthguard. You’re grinding those bad boys more than you grinded at all those sweaty basement parties freshman year of college. Let that go untreated long enough and you won’t have to worry about taking care of your teeth anymore.
Brush your teeth before having your morning cup of coffee. Just try it, and you can thank me later.
Stop opening everything with your teeth. You have ten fingers for a reason. Use them. Believe it or not but popping off bottle caps and chewing on ice like you’re a goddamn polar bear may have some consequences.
Schedule your routine checkups between morning break and lunch. 1. You won’t have ten pounds of cheerios and left over pizza stuck between your teeth that your poor hygienist has to dispose of before actually cleaning your teeth. Plus you can parlay the appointment with lunch and then you’re basically working a half day. You’re welcome.