How To Lose A Customer In 10 Days: The Dentist
Way #1: If the hygienists that floss between your teeth with the ferocity of a starving wolf pack tearing apart a caribou, it’s gonna be a one and done visit from me. Why do they have to floss so fucking hard? Seriously. And don’t give me that crap about flossing every day and then my gums wouldn’t bleed. I floss every fucking day. Your hygienist just told me I have perfect brushing and flossing habits, so which one is it? And why is that floss so fucking sharp? Don’t you guys use normal floss? Maybe if you weren’t using razor wire they put on fences intended to keep prisoners in their place, I wouldn’t be losing gallons of blood right now.
Way #2: If your job requires your mouth to be six inches from mine the entire time, ya maybe wanna make sure your breath doesn’t smell like one of those creepy body farms at a criminal justice school. A good rule of thumb for all you dentists and hygienists out there… The barista at Starbucks doesn’t take a step back the second just anyone opens their mouth to order, they’re doing that because you have disgusting breath. And they don’t have to lay six inches under it for an hour straight. They say wearing two condoms during sex actually increases the chances of condoms breaking because of the friction it causes, well there’s no increased risk of condoms breaking when you double mask. Or triple. Whatever it takes. A gas mask perhaps.
Way #3: If your dental office has one of those old, huge plastic molars or whatever the hell type of tooth it is sitting in the lobby grossing me out, this isn’t going to work. And it’s not me, it’s you. So unless that’s an ancient tooth from so some prehistoric giant human and it’s worth like a hundred million, I don’t want it in my lobby. And I don’t care if it gives the kids something to do, put a few TVs in the lobby like every other place of business. You can surely afford Nickelodeon.
Way #4: If your dental office was once a law office, or crematory, or whatever the hell else these hideous buildings started out as, you already lost me. The last thing I’m doing when it comes to trusting someone with my pearly whites, is picking the dentist that preaches how much better it is to get a custom fit, night time guard for teeth grinding instead of repurposing a cheap Walmart one meant for sports, when the fucker repurposed an entire building to meet his needs. Yeah. Ok. Wink wink.
Way #5: If a single fucker in your battalion has even a single tooth out of place, I’m never coming there again. If you can’t ensure the perfection of every mouth that works for you, how can I expect perfection in my own mouth? Now while this might sound a bit harsh, let me just remind you of how much a dental visit costs… Yeah. I’ll choose picky for two thousand, Alex. Or whoever’s doing it now.
Way #6: I’m sorry but if you’re younger than me, I don’t want you anywhere near my mouth. Your frugal, environmentally minded generation probably cuts every corner they can if it’s better for mother nature’s animals or the ice caps or whatever. I don’t give a shit how much water it takes washing whatever disgusting vegan friendly shit you put in my mouth, just get it outta there. Besides, if there’s less water in the ocean when the polar ice caps melt, that’s just less water you get on land. Duh. You’re welcome Florida.
Way #7: If you set foot in that curtained room I’m laying in wait in, and there’s a single drop of somebody else’s blood on your lab coat I’m getting the fuck out of there. The glasses are coming off, the bib is gone, and so am I. And you can send me the bill for the late cancel or whatever, I don’t care. I ain’t letting some blood thirsty tooth fairy anywhere near my teeth. I’ve seen the drills you use on people who didn’t get the routine maintenance memo, and you can be assured that there’s no need for anything with a sharp point in my mouth. In fact you can just wheel that damn cart of weapons right back where it came from. I do a perfect job cleaning, there’s no need to use something better suited for John Wick just to scrape nothing but clean off my teeth.
Way #8: If the actual cleaning and x-rays and various meetings with masked people only took an hour, and half of that was me needing to make shopping choices in those drawers of yours, you lost me for good. I’m not five. I don’t care which flavored floss you give me. Just hurry up and put together the goody bag so I can get back to doing literally anything else. Thanks.
Way #9: If any of your employees wear bright colored, happy patterns, that’s a no from me. Going to the dentist isn’t something that’s supposed to be this fun, happy time. No. People should be leaving that place in shambles. That’s a true dentist’s office. None of this modern day shit where they make sure everyone’s comfortable all the time, and everybody goes home a winner whether your teeth are perfect like mine, or rotting out of your head because they haven’t seen toothpaste since Obama was in office.
Way #10: If the glasses you give me to wear during my stay, look like someone shoved them into the middle of an orgy without bothering to wipe them off before their second job as dentist office glasses, it’s a no thank you from me. How can I trust you to clean the shit off my teeth if you haven’t bothered to wipe the few hundred family trees of semen off those damn glasses before handing them to me like I’m supposed to ignore not being able to see for the next hour. Ok. Fuck you too.