On This Day In 1959: Barbie’s Bitch Ass Made Her Debut
Barbie. The most recognizable doll in the entire universe. And what’s not to like about her? She’s hot, blonde, skinny as a toothpick, and has boobs that belong on a woman a hundred pounds heavier than her. That being said, Barbie’s looks, clothing, and occupation has changed numerous times throughout the decades, but one thing has remained the same, controversy.
Controversy? What do you mean? Well, it may come as a shock to some of you, but a doll with a tiny waste, huge boobs, toothpick arms, and an endless supply of designer outfits, cars, and dreams homes, has rubbed people the wrong way over the years. It’s estimated that if Barbie were a real woman, her measurements would be 36-18-38. Now I have no idea what the hell these measurements mean, but apparently they’re almost impossible to obtain if you’re a real human being which gives the young girls who play with these dolls an unrealistic idea what their body’s should look like, causing them to have a negative body image. What the hell Barbie? Asshole.
In my opinion however, this unrealistic body image that Barbie portrays has nothing to do with her measurements. For starters, look at those fucking eyebrows. How in the world does she pluck those?!? They look like two arrows pointing to that giant fivehead of hers. Ya probably don’t wanna give that double decker forehead anymore attention than it already gets, Barbie. Also, who cares about the size of her boobs. Some women just have big boobs, that’s life. What concerns me more is the fact that Barbie doesn’t have any nipples to go along with them. How is she gonna breast feed?!? What kind of body image does that give to kids? Maybe Barbie had breast cancer and had them removed. Or maybe she’s an alien from a future where breast feeding is no longer necessary so evolution shaved them off. Whatever the reason though, we need answers if I’m going to be ok with little girls running around with nipple-less dolls.
And everybody always talks about Barbie and her unrealistic body. Yeah? Well have you assholes ever seen Ken’s body?!? Just look at this dude:
How in the bloody hell does a guy obtain chest muscles of that nature while maintaining his noodle arms? It’s just not possible. And talk about skipping leg day. The only time this motherfucker works his legs out is apparently walking Barbie’s ass around while she shops for more ugly outfits. Oh, and you always hear women complaining about how painful high heels are, well look at the fucking flip flops Ken is wearing. Those things are like 3 sizes too small for God’s sake. Barbie’s shoes, although hideous, at least appear to fit her.
Oh and the most astounding body feature of Ken’s? His hairline. How old is this mother fucker nowadays? Because his hairline is still PERFECT. I didn’t have a hairline that good looking when I was in high school and this jackass hasn’t lost a single hair to balding over the last 60 years. What’s Ken’s secret to keeping his hair? Changing its color two dozen times? That’s just bullshit.
Anyways, Barbie has changed a lot over the decades, and definitely for the better. She started out looking like some mean alien you wouldn’t want to piss off let alone date or play with, but over the last 6 decades she’s gotten a lot more relatable in the looks department. She’s gotten shorter, put on a few love pounds, and has reduced her boobs by a considerable margin. Barbie actually looks like an actual human being now, and has hopefully given girls a more attainable body image in the process. This is all good, obviously. But the last time I checked (which was approximately around the age of seven), she still doesn’t have nipples. All this progress and yet she still can’t breast feed her baby or start an OnlyFans account without getting made fun of.
I guess it’s a good thing she’s had careers as a zebra hunter (by the looks of her debut outfit), doctor, pilot, astronaut, olympic athlete, politician, architect, geologist, robotics AND rocket engineer, veterinarian, dentist, and surgeon... to name a few. And speaking of what’s attainable, that many career changes? Come on.