I Finally Joined The Bad Boys Club
Last weekend it finally happened. After all these years of flying under the radar, passing cop after cop as I sped through their shit towns like my teenage self playing Need for Speed Hot Pursuit… at long last I was given a ticket for speeding. Hallelujah! I’ve been dreaming of this moment since I got my first license. You know that one where you’re sixteen and all excited to get your picture taken, then they hand it over and you look like a cross between some humanoid freak and a normal functioning adult, and now you’re wondering if your face really is shaped like that, or why one of your eyes is droopier than the other, or why the asshole taking the picture didn’t bother to tell you that your colic is photo bombing the most important picture you think you’re ever going to take. Anyways, now that I don’t have a perfect driving record I’m officially part of the bad boys club, and god damn does having to pay the $175.30 entry feel good! Clean driving records are for fucking losers. You virgin nerds.
I wish I had a cool “losing my virginity” story though. If you’re going be the asshole cop that sees someone has a perfect driving record and decide to pop their cherry, at least make it exciting. Let me lead you on a high speed chase for a few miles. Or let us have a duel where one of us gets the pepper spray and the other gets the taser. I don’t know, but something cooler than simply pulling me over because I was going 73 in a 55. Big fucking deal. Amish people in their horse and buggies gallop faster than that and they’ve never even seen Fast & Furious. And yes officer, I saw that it changed from 70 to 55 like ten miles ago, I just took it as more of a suggestion. I’ve been doing it for 15 years and you idiots are finally now just catching me? Shame on you.
Plus I’m technically helping pay their salary, right?. You should actually be thanking me for my reckless driving. What if everyone drove perfectly and no one ever got tickets? What would you hardo wannabes do then?!? Kind of weird when you actually think about it. The officer told me to slow down, but if everyone slowed down and no one sped or texted while driving, or passed in the median, or drove on the sidewalk because they’re 105 and too blind to read let alone operate a moving box of steel… ok you get the point. If we all drove like those losers with the clean records, we’d have no police to pull over us cool kid actual hardos in the first place. Speed demons wreaking havoc on the roadways like myself are literally the reason we have the police force to begin with. How many lives have police officers saved over the years? Why haven’t I been recognized yet? I’m out here racking up debt just so Mr. Flashy Lights can keep doing his job. What a hero I am.
Back the blue? Uh how about me too? You’re welcome.