You Don’t Like Mushrooms… You Like Butter and Salt
My dad has tried, for the entirety of my life, to get me to like mushrooms. Everything. He’s tried to hide them in dishes. Sneaking those little bastards into some salmon he had to over sauce in an attempt to counteract the true taste and texture of mother nature’s natural rubber. He’ll camouflage them, with so much seasoning it tastes like you’re eating pieces of said rubber from a tire that rolled through the McCormick factory. But try as he might, I hate mushrooms. Why? Because mushrooms are disgusting. That’s why.
“I love mushrooms.” No you don’t. I’m sorry but you don’t. You don’ttt… And look, this isn’t something I want to do. This is something I have to do. This has gone too far and somebody has to put a stop to this movement of mushroom eaters that has seemingly spread into every last grove and grain of this country’s great food culture. So I’ll say it once and for all… Mushroom eaters. You don’t like mushrooms. You don’t… You like everything you put on the mushrooms. You like copious amounts of butter and salt, and olive oil and whatever other seasonings you use to taste literally anything but the actual mushroom. You know I’m right. If you claim to love mushrooms so much, why do you spores of satan eat them with the help of your entire spice rack? Huh? Yeah. Because they’d taste like earthy, dried up dick raisons without.
See, what you’re confusing your love for mushrooms with is actually something called a noodle. It serves the same basic function your mushrooms currently do: Imports large shipments of butter, salt, and whatever else you’re craving into your pie hole without others questioning the sanity of someone who inhales half a month’s worth of sodium in one sitting. I suggest you try them out, quit lying to yourselves that mother nature’s dirt dicks actually taste good, and then you won’t be so mentally unstable that a few documentaries about how magical they are have you scavenging in the woods like some forest dwelling rodent looking for their next meal. I like butter and salt too. I just know what a noodle is.
You’re welcome.