Running Clothes Need Better Phone Pockets. End Of Story.
I don’t know who else cares this much about the topic of phone pockets in running attire, but I do. And I’ve had enough. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know what else to do. Why the fuck is it so hard for companies to figure out adequate pockets for peoples’ phones in running clothes?!? How? And don’t give me that “oh do you really need your phone when you run?” or “get an arm band” shit. Who the fuck runs without their phone? I have the answer. Not a single person on the face of this earth that I’d ever want to speak to. And arm bands? Really? Yeah let me just delete all my online dating accounts while I’m at it. Everybody knows the reason you run in the first place is to get girls, not the opposite. I might as well carry pepper spray and wear those night club looking strobe lights around my neck so I don’t get laid out by any cars or girls for that matter.
And the nimrods who design these shit phone pockets? They don’t run with their phones because they don’t run at all. Obviously. There’s no way. They’d instantly know just how terrible their own clothing companies’ pockets truly are. Im sick of it. It shouldn’t be this hard. To figure out how to store your gd phone in your gd pants, or shorts, or bra or whatever the hell some of you weirdos wear running. Whatever it may be, there should be a good way to store your phone somewhere within it. And especially for the prices some of you dirtbags charge. Seriously. $130 for a sweatshirt with a few pieces of reflective tape on it and those thumb holes nobody has ever once used literally ever. Really? $130? Oh and it has a one size fits nobody style hood. My bad.
Regardless, everyone runs with their phone nowadays. This shouldn’t be news to what seems like almost an entire industry. I probably own two dozen pairs of either running shorts or pants, and I can count on exactly three fifths hand how many pairs I consider to have adequate phone pockets for running. I’m serious. And no I’m not some insanely picky jogging snob. I don’t have the sticker with the decimal point specifying that last .2 miles on my car or its pathetic little brother. I don’t weave my shoe laces in various patterns depending on how my feet feel that day. Hell I don’t even wear lights when running at night like previously stated. I just don’t like having a slab of precious metals slapping against my thigh for an hour straight as if running wasn’t miserable enough already. So listen up running industry. Here are some tips:
For starters, it would be helpful if the phone pocket, well, was actually big enough to fit a fucking phone. This isn’t 2005. I don’t know if the head of Nike’s running department has held a cellphone lately, but they’re bigger than they used to be. Surprising I know. But this isn’t news. So I don’t know what your plans are with those shitty snap button pockets you’ve been pushing on us for the last 15 years, but I suggest you at least upgrade the size of the pockets to fit something past an iPhone 4. Much appreciated. And if you expect me to carry my phone in a pocket, Nike, could you perhaps put a zipper on the pocket or some other way of actually keeping my phone in said pocket for the entirety of my run? This would also be heavily appreciated. A side note, I once purchased a pair of Nike sweatpants that had such awfully angled and shallow pockets, my phone would fall out of them if it shifted ever so slightly while I was simply walking. Not running. Or cycling. Or swimming. No. You had to be careful on your way to the fridge. That’s the design team they have working at Nike. Strings long enough for a skeleton to pull his shorts tight and then jump rope with the remaining length, yet couldn’t give us a few more inches of pocket material so my phone doesn’t commit suicide every time I move my legs. Just do it. Fire all of them.
Who else? Under Armour? Speaking of sweatpants, what the fuck is your problem? I currently own a pair of Under Armour sweatpants specifically designed for running, and I kid you not the draw strings are like Harry Houdini when it comes to untying knots. Nothing I try stays tied for the entirety of a run. I’ve had shoes where you’ll spend more time trying to untie the laces than time spent on the actual run, yet these “jogging” pants get lose from me repeatedly moving my abdomen a certain way. The laces are so thick and stiff you’d have an easier time trying to tie two trees together than getting these things to cooperate. I’ve seen threesome videos where dudes get their junk intertwined and it takes them longer to untangle their two man Dot’s dick pretzel than it does these laces.
Thank god for some of you. Fabletics. I’ll shout them out. They have a phone pocket built into the compression shorts that are built into your running shorts. Oh and if that’s not good enough, they have another pocket within one of the normal pockets that also works very well, as it keeps your phone from jostling around like some crazed crackhead trapped under their own blanket. That’s how you make running shorts. And once I find a pair of running shorts or pants that I like, I’ll pay whatever. $70-$80 for some shorts? More? If it adequately stores my phone so I don’t have to hold it like I’m running to the opening ceremony of the Olympics then I don’t care. Worth every penny. Step up your game Nike, and everybody else besides Fabletics and probably several other brands I’ve either never heard of or can afford.
Make running great again. Or at least the pocket that stores your phone.
P.S. I’ve never seen two gentleman get their reptiles wrapped around each other to the point of needing to untangle during a threesome. I imagine it happens though. I’ll round up for the cause. Where’s that charity?