How To Lose A Customer In 10 Ways: Hipster Coffee Shops
Way #1: Hipster coffee shops. We get it. But can I please get a god damn plastic straw? Please? I’m begging you. I just paid 18 dollars for a coffee that tastes like you stuck the brown crayon up your ass, ground it up with your sweaty butt cheeks, shit it into a glass, and now expect me to pay the price of an oil change for it. Well if I’m going to shell out as much as you assholes charge, the very least you could do is give me a straw that actually lasts the entirety of how long it takes me to drink the fucking thing in the first place. I mean come on. My exhaust pipes probably melted half the living room of some poor polar bear family just getting here. I don’t think the straws are the problem.
Way #2: Why do you have 82 different varieties of beans? Nobody needs that many choices. I’m tired. My nagging girlfriend is in the car waiting for her mocha latte half almond milk half milkshake stirred twice with a splash of caramelized espresso whatever the fuck it is. I don’t have time to sit behind some dude wearing those bike shorts with the padded asshole as he questions the overly excited barista about what bean varieties pair best with his hazelnut scone.
Way #3: Do you really need to have your coffee beans sitting there in those over pretentious hemp sacks? We get it. You only buy organically sourced beans that were probably hand picked by people with health insurance. The smelly brown sacks are a bit much, and certainly not the first thing I need to smell at six in the morning. Is this a coffee shop or some dusty tobacco warehouse in turn of the century Havana.
Way #4: For the love of God, we get it with the french press. It’s the superior way to make coffee. Sure. I don’t give a shit. Whatever gets the caffeine into my veins the quickest. I don’t need to watch you work a full shift making my coffee. Plus you know they probably added half the steps in there just to make it look harder. Like they’re back there stirring shit, pouring froth into machines, measuring out individual granules of sugar, punching buttons, contacting NASA’s satellites, whatever they have to do to make me feel like $42 is an acceptable amount to charge for two cups of diarrhea water. I guarantee you my Keurig can make just as good of a cup of coffee as the moonshine still you built behind the counter.
Way #5: Why are all you hipster coffee shops so annoyingly environmentally friendly? I’m all for loving our planet and doing what we can to ensure it’s around for future generations, but you can’t tell me that washing your glasses in recycled bath water or whatever you weirdo hippies do is somehow better for the polar bears and still cleans the glasses just as well as coffee shops with normal thinking owners.
Way #6: Can we cut it out with the witty anti wifi signs? It’s a coffee shop. What the fuck else am I supposed to do while I’m in here? Is this a prison sentence? And I’m certainly not going to chit chat with the morons sitting at any of the tables next to me. What are we going to talk about? The newest sewing stitch they’re learning? What? Just give me the password so I can check the boxscores before your absurdly uncomfortable chair cuts the blood supply to my lower extremities. That’s another thing.
Way #7: Why is it that the more expensive and hipstery a coffee shop is, the smaller and less useful their furniture is? It’s like they don’t want you staying longer than it takes the ungodly small chair to make your legs numb. Do you actually want us using them? Are they just for show? If I’m going to spend half my paycheck every week choking down your overpriced caffeine gasoline, the least you could do is splurge on some faux leather couches or padded chairs big enough to fit both cheeks on at the same time. And can we knock it off with the tiny tables? I get it. You don’t like wood because plants have feelings or whatever. But if I don’t have enough space for my computer, phone, coffee, chapstick, AirPods case, loose pair of women’s underwear, or whatever else I accumulate over the course of a coffee shop sesh, this isn’t going to work. And it’s not me, it’s you. I have more flat surface space to set a coffee down in my damn car than I do at a lot of these hipster watering holes.
Way #8: Don’t even get me started on the bathrooms. My god. For starters, I can see in HD through your toilet paper it’s so thin. How is it more environmentally friendly to use tissue paper when you need to use half the fucking roll cleaning up those turbocharged caffeine craps your well rested bowels shoot out at 600 miles per hour every morning. And for the love of everything holy on this earth, just give me some god damn paper towels please. PLEASE. I’m begging you. Nobody wants the mini jet engines blowing shit particles and sperm debris all over them. Kinda hard to appreciate clean hands when the rest of you is covered in other peoples’ germs and dried up body juices.
Way #9: I don’t need a science fair styled poster board exhibit full of depressing pictures from whatever cause you’re guilting me into donating to. I’ll gladly round up. I’m already paying $9.50 for a fucking coffee, what’s another 50 cents so little Charlie gets his disgusting cleft lip fixed. Done. You can save us the sob story.
Way #10: