Attention Air Mattress Companies… Make Your God Damn Bags Bigger
Fewer things in life are more difficult than properly putting an air mattress back in its dime bag sized pouch at the end of a rambunctious sleepover. Seriously. The last thing on Earth you want to do first thing on Sunday is wrestle a deflated bounce house into a pouch I couldn’t fit my two fucking nuts into. It’d be easier to win the Daytona 500 driving a logging truck backwards than steering one of these deflated swimming pools back into its kangaroo pouch after a night of debauchery with the boys. You’d have an easier time running a sumo wrestling convention in a doll’s sleeping bag than getting that cloth condom back in its ziplock sized satchel. I’d rather try to parallel park a Model T in someone’s asshole than try to get a god damn air mattress back in the bag it came with once it’s been unleashed from its impossibly tight confines. You would have better luck trying to ok enough examples you get the point.
But honestly, why do they make the god dang bags so small? I’m not participating in some cross fit event. Could we get literally one millimeter more of bag material? Jesus christ. I get that some sophisticated robot with the grip strength of Godzilla packed that at the factory for you, but until they’re cheap enough for every household to own we’d appreciate a little more bag material, ok? And yes, I’m sure there’s some dimwit out there who thinks they have the secret “trick” or whatever the fuck to get these things back in their bags, but your air mattress is probably one of those tiny twin ones I couldn’t fit a single ass cheek on, let alone the rest of my body and perhaps a lady of the night. Everyone knows when it comes to buying air mattresses you either go big or stay home. If I have to sleep on a god damn swimming floaty all night, the bitch better be big enough. Plus those cheap bastards probably only make one bag size, god forbid. So of course you can fit a twin into that thing. Hell you probably don’t even need to deflate it. Yeah. Try getting an Alaskan King into that same bag “Do they even make Alaskan King sized air mattresses?” If you can afford the $170 price tag they do. But I get it, ballin’ ain’t for everyone.
The moral of this blog is they need to start making adequately sized bags for air mattresses because this is getting rediculous. With the two fossils currently fighting for the presidency of this crazy country, you’d think one of them would talk about this hot button issue because I’m tired of getting my ass kicked by these things and their inflated egos.