Answering Life’s Most Important Question: Which Finger Do You Use To Pick Your Nose?
Picking your nose is one of those daily tasks that everyone does, and I’d say most people thoroughly enjoy. Who doesn’t love the feeling you get pulling out one of those massive green nuggets that have been inhibiting your air flow all day? It’s one of life’s greatest joys! So let’s ask the most important question when it comes to cleaning out those facial septic tanks… Which finger do you use to pick your nose? Do you always use the same finger? Or does it depend on the day? For me, I go by which finger deserves it that particular day. Ya know? Because picking your nose is a very important job. It can’t just be any old finger you’re jamming up there. No. The finger I use has to be hand selected each morning. So how do I pick out the perfect picker from the litter? Well let me explain:
The first thing I look for in selecting a digit to dig out my boogers is smoothness. The finger absolutely has to be perfectly smooth. No hang nails, no sharp edges on the nail, no rough skin etc. If you’re not weeding out the roughed up culprits, you might as well just shove a rolled up piece of sandpaper up there. Once I’ve picked out the fingers that fit this criteria, I move on to range of motion. How does bending, poking and prodding feel? Are the joints at all sore? Can the finger easily and repeatedly navigate the maze like tunnels of my nostrils in order to get those deep rooted snot snakes? There’s going to be a lot of heavy lifting and maneuvering in tight spaces for whichever finger is selected, so range of motion and agility is a must. Lastly, you HAVE to make sure that the booger picking finger isn’t also your ass scratcher. There is nothing worse than finally settling on the day’s nose picker only to, upon first use, discover that you also picked it as the day’s butt scratcher. Nobody wants the smell of their own shitty ass shoved deep into their smelling tubes. So I’d recommend picking out your nose picking finger BEFORE you choose an ass scratcher. Everyone knows that ass scratching is much easier than digging out boogers, so the fingers you choose for this job are a dime a dozen. Ass scratching is a minimum wage job compared to the highly specialized field of picking one’s nose.
That’s it. No more walking around in public with disgusting nuggets of hardened slime falling out of your face like you’re a cliff who needs one of those “falling rock” signs because you settled on an underqualified contestant. No. Follow these simple steps and the pageant you hold every morning will pick the perfect digging digit for you, every single time.